tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80878915515371587882024-02-20T14:33:34.425-08:00 In the LightAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-4566302865716692015-08-11T09:23:00.000-07:002015-08-11T09:23:21.551-07:00Reflections on Robin Williams' Suicide, One Year LaterI still vividly remember walking out of a water park with my two sons one year ago today, checking my phone, and learning that Robin Williams had taken his life. I couldn't comprehend it, I wanted to believe it wasn't true. It couldn't be true. But it was, and it haunted me for several weeks. It is still very sad to me now. It's still hard for me to watch his movies or TV shows. It is sad because he touched my life and the lives of millions. It is sad because he did so much good in the world, and it seemed he still had so much to give. The same can be said of every one of the 40,000 people who choose to take their lives each year. They all still had more to give, but the pain and suffering just became too much. <br /><br />Most, if not all, who take their lives do not have the fame, fortune, and reach of Robin Williams. However, each of these people have parents, siblings, friends and loved ones left behind. I have never experienced the loss of someone that close to me to suicide, but I know that those who do are scarred for life. They experience extreme guilt, sadness, and regret. And I'm sure much more. While there is likely healing over time, I'm told by those who have experienced this type of loss that the pain is always there. <br /><br />Perhaps the one truth that stands out to me as I reflect on this day is the intense power of depression. Robin Williams had everything. He had fame, money, family, adoration, and an incredible amount of talent. It was still no match for the depression and despair he must have felt that led him to take his own life. Mental illness does not discriminate, it is an equal opportunity illness. We are all vulnerable.<br /><br />It is often said that you have to be strong to fight mental illness. And I think that's true. I know my experiences have strengthened and challenged me. However, for me it is equally, if not more, important to acknowledge my weakness in my fight against depression and anxiety. I am extremely fortunate that the medication I take really controls my symptoms, and that the work I have done in life has healed many of the emotional scars I developed from growing up with this illness. I have not experienced a major episode of depression in nearly 4 years. At some points, my head even tries to trick me into believing it is gone altogether. It's not.<br /><br />However, I have a consistent awareness that I still have the illness. I know it can strike at any moment, and that it is more powerful than I am. When I have symptoms, negative thoughts, or signals I have learned can lead to an episode I don't try to "fight" them off. Suppressing them or blaming myself only makes things worse. I listen to them. I let them be with the knowledge that they usually pass. I remind myself that it is the illness, and that there is nothing wrong with me. And when none of that works, or it becomes too hard, I get support. Through therapy, writing, talking to a friend, or sharing it in an online support group where I know I will be understood and affirmed. Thankfully this continues to work for me.<br /><br />I'm mindful that it doesn't work for everyone. Not all people experience depression the same way, and not all depression responds to treatment. Some people can go to therapy, get support, eat well, exercise, take their medication, and still experience intense depression. It is not their fault. It's not because they are weak. They have an illness, as do I. And at times, as it was for Robin Williams, it is fatal.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-3570445688313111022015-06-24T20:42:00.001-07:002015-06-24T20:42:21.147-07:00Speaking publicly about mental illness<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
Hello. My name is Danny Price. I am a 4th grade teacher, a
father of two teenage boys, a husband, a son, a youth worker for my church and
a friend to many. I also live with mental illness. Today I will be
talking about something I kept secret for many years,. Something I was
once ashamed of. I have learned, though, over the last several years that
living with a mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. I live with major
depression and anxiety. It is an illness, a medical issue, just like
diabetes or cancer.<br />
<br />
I have lived with major depression and anxiety since my teenage years.
As I think back I first noticed something seemed wrong when I was a young
teenager. I felt different than everybody else. I had friends and lived
an outwardly normal existence, but on the inside I was filled with fear, shame,
and pain. My high school years were very difficult emotionally, but
because I was scared and ashamed I didn't tell anyone about it. There was
not much awareness about mental health 30 years ago, and I didn't understand
what was happening. My family also didn't understand or recognize the
symptoms, therefore I did not receive any help or support with my
problems. This continued into college.<br />
<br />
Around the age of 20 I first took action to do something about this pain I
felt. I don’t remember how it happened to be honest. I first
started therapy and antidepressants in my early 20s. I stayed in
the same therapy group for 7 years and it changed my life. The work was
very hard and slow. During this time and after I would go off of my
medication once I started to feel better. This went on for years I
would have long periods of doing well. But eventually it would always
creep back in. And not only that, but each time the interval between
episodes would get shorter, and the intensity of the episode would be
stronger. This continued, and about 4 years ago I hit a breaking point.<br />
One of the misperceptions about depression is that it is a reaction to bad
things happening in your life. While this can be true, it isn't always
this way. sometimes things can be going along just fine and depression will hit
anyway. This is where I was in the summer of 2011. Everything
in my life was going well, and I quickly fell into a deep depression.
This made it really hard for me. What's wrong with me that I feel this
way when I have so many good things in my life? I should just be grateful
for all that I have. It was the end of summer and I was getting
ready to go back to work. I had tapered off of my medication with help
from my doctor. The depression hit quickly and harder than ever. I worked
very hard to keep up the appearance of normalcy on the outside, but inside I
was falling apart. Over the next several weeks as I went back to work
things got worse. I had trouble making it through the work day. I
didn't feel like myself anymore. I felt a constant heaviness, I couldn't
smile, I wasn't able to sleep, and I often cried for no apparent reason. I was
losing control of my life. It was incredibly scary. Depression
tells me lies, it tells lies to everyone who suffers. And when you are in
the middle of it, it's easy to believe the lies. The worst part of this
particular occurrence of depression was that I became absolutely convinced that
I was a burden to all those around me and that everyone would be better off if
I was not alive. I did not actively seek to end my life, but I did wish I
wasn't alive. The pain was so unbearable that I did not want to live.<br />
<br />
I was very scared, and I realized I needed help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had never had an episode of depression this
bad before. I took it more seriously than I had in the past.
Instead of just going to my regular doctor, I went to see a psychiatrist and
got back on medication. It was the first time I had been officially diagnosed.
I have recurrent major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety
disorder. I also went back to see my therapist. This was different
also. In my work there I began to recognize how difficult it was for me
to pretend that all is well when it isn't. I didn't want to live this way
anymore.<br />
I slowly began the process of coming out in the open with my illness.
I started this process by having conversations with friends and family.
It was very scary, and I wasn't sure how people would respond. I was
afraid people would judge me, think less of me, or discount my
experience. To my surprise many people shared with me ways in which their
lives had been affected by mental illness. Some had struggled themselves,
many had friends or family members with depression or other mental illness, and
sadly some had lost loved ones to suicide. I realized that by talking
about my struggles I gave permission to others to do the same. Realizing the
healing effect talking about my illness had both on me and those around me I
decided to do more. <br />
<br />
Since that time I have become outspoken about mental illness and have become
an advocate. Through social media I have met many other advocates from
around the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I now live openly with my mental illness. I
had no idea how freeing that would feel. It was like a huge weight was
lifted off my shoulders. Living openly has taken away much of the power
depression holds over me. Depression thrives on secrecy, it makes you
think it is all your fault. But the good news is it's not. It's an
illness. A chemical imbalance in your brain. Like any illness it's
hard to manage, but it can be done. I take medication daily and still go
to therapy twice a month.<span style="color: red;"> </span><span style="color: black;">I</span><span style="color: red;"> </span>have a strong
support system in real life and through social media . Having come to
accept my mental illness, and seeing the effect it has had on me has made me
want to speak out even more. And that is why I'm here talking to you
today.<br />
<br />
I speak out is because I know firsthand how isolating it can be trying to
fight this illness alone. I speak out because I know that two thirds of
the people with mental illness do not seek help. I speak out to let
people know that they are not alone, and to end the stigma surrounding mental
illness. I speak out because over 40,000 people die each year in the
United States to suicide, with nearly a million making attempts. And
finally, I speak out because I know in doing so it can change and save lives.<br />
<br />
We can all do things to help decrease the stigma. The first is to take action
and seek help for ourselves if we are struggling. Also, we can have
conversations with others and challenge stereotypes about mental illness when
we hear them. <span style="background: white;">The last point I will leave
you with is that we who struggle with mental illnesses become masters at hiding
our pain and struggles. </span> Therefore, the most important thing to do
is to treat each other with compassion because we may not know for sure who is
suffering. <span style="color: black;">Listening to each other
is valuable, and I</span><span style="color: red;"> </span>thank you for
listening to my story. <br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-87749699364264925252015-03-21T16:35:00.000-07:002015-03-21T16:35:38.429-07:00I also have Social AnxietyI have written a lot about my experience with depression, but I also suffer from various forms of anxiety including social anxiety. Yesterday I attended a four hour training that will lead to my becoming a public speaker for Stop Stigma Sacramento. I'd love to tell you it was a powerful experience and I felt so connected and empowered to be around other people who understand and experience mental illness. I was surrounded by people who understand, but I did not feel connected and empowered. I participated, but it was difficult.. I actually left feeling a bit down and disconnected.<br />
<br />
It often amazes me that even though I've lived with major depression and anxiety for over 25 years that I continue to grow and learn new things about my illnesses and how to manage them all the time. Sometimes in social situations, and almost always when I am in a new situation, I feel very anxious. My heart beats fast, I worry what others are thinking, and I can't fully relax. I also tend to think that other people there don't like me and that I don't fit in. This was all going on yesterday at the training. I never really realized until recently that these symptoms are common for people with social anxiety and that I'm not the only one who experiences them. <br />
<br />
<br />
There is great power for me in knowing I'm not alone. And in simply acknowledging this experience exists for me. In the past I would have tried to hide this and push away and hide the feelings, all the while berating myself for not being able to "be like everyone else". But yesterday I just rolled with it for the most part. It was still unpleasant at times, but I had the awareness that it was just a part of how I experience things and that it would pass. I noticed the feelings and participated when I could. I also allowed myself not to participate when I didn't feel up to it, and to just listen. Most of the time without judgment. That is huge progress for me.<br />
<br />
Knowing all of this now it doesn't surprise me that I've historically avoided things that bring me anxiety. I don't like making phone calls, returning items to a store, making small talk with strangers, and many other social situations. It's a part of my anxiety, and it's not a reflection of who I am as a person. There's nothing wrong with me, I have social anxiety. Thankfully, between the hard work in therapy and my medication the symptoms are pretty manageable. And once I'm comfortable somewhere, such as work, the anxiety does not interfere with my functioning much at all. You would think that with all of this that I prefer to be alone, but that's not the case. I'm an extremely social person and love connecting with others, it usually energizes me. <br />
<br />
Having said all that, I still wonder if it's a good idea for me to take on a volunteer position as a public speaker about very personal things as someone living with social anxiety. This is sort of an experiment I guess. I believe I can do it, but if for whatever reason it doesn't work out I will be okay with that. I'm going to just take it one step at a time and allow myself to move very slowly and feel awkward and vulnerable. I will be going the next two Fridays to "practice sessions" where I get to practice my speech and get feedback and help from the leader. I'm excited, and I'm not going to let my social anxiety stop me from doing this important work. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br /><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-55002158938821385022015-03-01T19:36:00.000-08:002015-03-01T19:36:33.604-08:00Bringing Mental Illness into the Light<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
Good morning. I want to thank Pastor Don for giving me the opportunity
to speak to you today. About 2 months ago he approached me and asked me
if I'd like to speak at church about my experiences living with depression and
anxiety and the work I have been doing over the last couple of years to raise awareness
and end the stigma surrounding mental illness. I have been open with Don
and many others about my struggles and successes, and he thought it would be a
good message to share with all of you. I was very reluctant, mostly
because I don't much like public speaking and the idea made me really
nervous. Especially given the topic. Today I will be speaking
openly with you about things I worked very hard for many years to keep
secret,. Things I was once ashamed of. I have learned, though, over
the last several years that living with depression is nothing to be ashamed
of. It is an illness, a medical issue, just like diabetes and
cancer. <br />
<br />
However, many people don't see it this way. Some think of those of us
who suffer as weak, or believe our mental illnesses are character flaws.
Still others don't even believe mental illnesses exist. These stereotypes
are the result of stigma. Stigma is a mark of disgrace which sets a
person apart from others. Stigma is a very large part of living with a
mental illness, and some, such as bipolar disorder and schizophrenia carry an
even greater stigma than others.. I avoided facing stigma for the most part
because I kept my depression and anxiety from other people. However, self
stigma has really affected me a great deal. I have learned recently that
my greatest issue with stigma is the stigma I hold towards my own
illness. This is a work in progress, but it is coming along.<br />
<br />
It is because of this stigma that over the years I have chosen to fight my
depression like many people do, in secrecy. I chose this because I didn't
really think there were any other options. You don't just go around telling
people you have depression. Well, at least that's what I thought
then. Obviously I've had a change of heart, I have been in and out
of therapy and on and off medication since around the age of 20. It
has been very helpful and has definitely changed my life for the better.
I don't see mental illness as just black and white. There are different
levels of the illness, and also two people with the same diagnosis can present
very differently. I'm fortunate in that my depression responds well to
medication, when I am on medication my symptoms are greatly reduced.
However, because I didn't want to see myself as someone with a mental illness I
always chose to go off of my medication once I started feeling better.
Inevitably, the symptoms would return.<br />
<br />
In the summer of 2011 I was again not on any medication. I had gone
off several months before, with my doctor's help, because I hadn't had any
symptoms of depression for several months. Near the end of the summer I
slipped into one of the worst episodes of depression I have ever had. It
really just hit me out of the blue, and it hit me hard. Things were going
fine. I was getting ready to go back to school and on the outside
everything was pretty normal. But inside I was falling apart. When
the depression gets really bad I feel like an entirely different person.
I don't feel like myself anymore. There's no joy or smiling. I wasn't
sleeping normally, I wasn't functioning very well at work, it was hard to
concentrate, and I felt hopeless. Depression is an illness of the brain
and it makes my thinking really negative. I can remember getting home
from work, which I was barely able to get through during that period, and just
crying for long periods of time for no apparent reason. Depression tells
me lies about myself and my life. Intrusive thoughts are negative
thoughts that you cannot control. This was what was happening with me. I
remember so clearly I had the absolute belief that everyone in the world would
be better off if I wasn't here. I didn't ever attempt suicide, I didn't
have a plan, but I was absolutely convinced that life would be better for
everyone else if I were gone. In those moments I didn't want to be
alive. It was a terribly scary thing to experience, and I really didn't
know if I was going to make it through. There was a sense of losing
control. I didn't know from one moment to the next how I would feel.<br />
<br />
So at this point in my life I did what I had done several times
before. I made an appointment with my doctor to get back on medication
and went back to my therapist. This was definitely the scariest episode
of depression I had ever been through, and I was very afraid. Slowly I
began to come out of the depression, and at that point something began to shift
in me. I became extremely aware of how difficult it was for me to
keep my depression to myself. I didn't want to live in the darkness alone
anymore, I was done hiding it, so slowly I began telling the people in my
life. The conversations were scary and difficult at first. I still
feared what people would think. But with each conversation it got easier
and more importantly it was a huge weight off of my shoulders. <br />
<br />
Around this time I became involved in something that would impact me even
more. In the summer of 2012 I participated in the American Foundation for
Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk in San Francisco with
three friends. It is an 18 mile walk from sunset to sunrise that raises
money for suicide prevention. There were about 2,000 of us walking that
night. Most walk because they have lost someone to suicide, while others
of us walk because of our own experiences of living with mental
illnesses. One of the most empowering parts of the experience was the
wearing of the honor beads. There are different colors of necklaces that
represent different connections to the cause. The green necklace of honor
beads I wore that night signified that I had personally struggled with a mental
illness. While it made me feel rather vulnerable at first, I quickly
realized I was surrounded by people that understood, that didn't judge me, and
whose lives had also been touched by mental illness. It was a community
full of love, tears, acceptance, and healing. <br />
This walk had such an impact on me that I decided to do it again this last
summer in Seattle. There were many aspects of the walk in Seattle this
year that affected me, but one short conversation I had right as I arrived was
the most memorable. When you arrive you have to fill out some medical
paperwork as part of checking in. The woman who was helping me was very
friendly and gracious.. She thanked me multiple times for walking, and we
were just having a pleasant conversation. I asked her if she was also
going to be walking, and she said she wasn't ready yet because she had just
lost her son to suicide 8 months before. It's not everyday a stranger
tells you upon meeting you the most painful thing that has ever happened in
their life. This woman, who I have managed to stay in touch with thanks to
social media, had her life turned upside down by this illness. Her
son was 17 at the time and had just been diagnosed with depression a few days
before he took his life. At that point they tried to get him into an
inpatient program immediately for his own safety as she believed he was at
risk. However, the insurance required an intake process, so they had to
wait 4 days. Three hours before that appointment he took his life.
The fact that had the insurance company not delayed treatment he likely would
have lived only makes this more difficult for her and her family. And
yet, she is already using her experience to help others by advocating for
treatment and awareness of mental illness. She, and so many others I met
at the walk, are using their suffering to bring healing and hope to
others. I knew that was something I wanted for myself as well. This
is indeed an epidemic, with millions of Americans suffering from mental illness
and nearly 40,000 each year taking their lives. <br />
<br />
This experience lit a fire under me. It has been just over three
months since I walked in Seattle, and I have been busy with my work as an
advocate. I have started a private Facebook page, which now has about 60
people involved, for anyone who has been affected by mental illness. This group
has been a place of healing for me as well as others. Connecting with
others who understand has been an essential part of my healing. Creating
this safe space to really talk about our daily struggles and receive support is
so powerful. A big part of being able to hold off episodes of depression is
having people to talk to. <br />
<br />
Shortly after this I decided I was going to start a blog to write about my
life with depression. I was very scared about this step, because I knew I
was opening doors that could not be closed. This would be public, anyone
could read it. Coworkers, friends, family, parents of my students,
anyone! People in all of these groups have now read it, and it's
okay. There have been so many people who have come out in support of
me. Many have shared their struggles with me thanked me for opening up
the conversation. I feel that for people that have been affected, which
is so many of us, there is a need to talk about these things but not always a
place to do it. By sharing my experiences, I realize now I have given
others permission to do the same.<br />
<br />
So now I am completely out in the open about the fact that I have depression
and anxiety. It is one of the most freeing and healing things I have ever
done. I have finally come to believe that there is no shame in having
depression. I am ready to use my struggles to help others and let them
know they are not alone. But it's still there. I still live with my
depression and anxiety and take steps each day to keep it at bay. I go to
therapy every week, I have support groups and people to talk to and connect
with, and if things get rough I have a lot of tools and people to help me
through. I've accepted that this is something I will live with and have
to work on for the rest of my life, but the difference between now and where I
was even last year is that I know now there is nothing wrong with me as a person
and that I'm not alone.<br />
<br />
In the scripture reading this morning it talked about our weaknesses making
us stronger. "The weaker I become the stronger I get".
That has certainly been my experience these last several years. The more
I acknowledge my struggles, share my vulnerability, and let people know what I
really experience the stronger I feel. I don't know what lies in
store for me, but I am committed to using my experiences to help others.
And for this, I am extremely grateful. <br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-76310382849837166042015-02-14T19:39:00.002-08:002015-02-14T19:39:52.009-08:00Happy Valentine's Day???I don't really like Valentine's Day. Pretty much any holiday that is designed to point out connection, family, and love can trigger negative thoughts and feelings for me. I don't like the idea of making up a day where you are "supposed" to behave and feel in a certain way. Shouldn't every day be a day to let others know you care about them? <br />
<br />
When I was a teen and young adult I really disliked most holidays, especially Valentine's Day and New Years Eve. I felt so disconnected and alone, and the holidays just intensified that for me. I often ended up spending them alone. I had friends and people in my life, but because of the depression and anxiety I always felt disconnected and alone anyway. This still happens to a lesser degree at times, it is a part of living with this illness for me.<br />
<br />
Now that I do often feel connected with my family and many friends I am not triggered in the way I once was, but I still don't really like the holiday. I love my wife very much, but I don't need a special day designated by someone else to tell me that I should buy her something. I also know a lot of people who struggle with depression and loneliness, and I know for many of them this is a hard day. While I feel a great deal of gratitude today for all I have, I am very mindful of the millions of people out there feeling even more alone and isolated than they do on a "regular" day. It is mainly this reason that I wish this holiday didn't exist.<br />
<br />
Amy and I don't really celebrate Valentine's Day. When we want to go out and spend time together we just do it. When I want to buy her flowers I do. Valentine's day is just not our thing. As a matter of fact, we aren't even together this evening. She is with our older son at a church fundraiser providing childcare for couples who do want to go out. I am at home with Mark. We took the dogs to the dog park and tonight we are just relaxing and doing the things we like. He's watching NBA All Star Saturday, and I'm writing (and also getting distracted watching basketball). We both tend to need a bit more "alone time", so this is the perfect night for us. <br />
<br />
It's odd that I don't really like a holiday that is supposed to be all about love. I guess I want to live my life in love every day. I don't need a holiday to let the people in my life know I love them. I have an amazing and loving wife, two great boys, and so many great friends. I would not have come so far in my battle with depression and anxiety without these people. I am grateful. I don't always feel the love and connection, but I know I am blessed. My wish is for everyone to have that. If this is a hard day for you, I'm so sorry. You are not alone, none of us are! Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-45617541023898647622015-01-19T14:30:00.000-08:002015-01-19T14:30:51.252-08:00Hope in a Broken WorldI wanted to write something to mark and celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. day. I was born a little over a year after he was assassinated, but he still had a major impact on my life. When I was in my late teens and early 20's I was dealing with depression and anxiety but didn't know it at the time. I felt painfully isolated and disconnected from what I perceived to be a cruel world. Reading his writings and learning about his courage in standing up to injustice inspired me. Despite the fact that I was completely unhappy I knew I wanted this in my life. I wanted to make a difference. I still do.<br />
<br />
Here I am 25 years later, having healed so much from the scars of living with depression and anxiety, and I still look around and see a cruel world much of the time. As a teacher I see decisions being made that are not in the best interest of students. I look on Facebook and see my fellow teachers calling each other names and putting each other down simply because they disagree. I see an educational system that is being driven by people who don't understand a thing about teaching or have the least bit of concern for the children we are supposed to be serving. I see students at my school who live in homes filled with violence, addiction, and abuse. And then I look at statistics and see that every year nearly a million people attempt to take their own lives. In sum, I see a broken world filled with suffering.<br />
<br />
All of this hurts my heart, it makes me lose hope, and it just simply gets me down. It challenges my mental health on a daily basis. What it all has in common is that we seem so quick to dehumanize each other and there is a complete lack of compassion. We forget that everyone has value. We forget that we are more alike than we are different. I desperately long for a world filled with more acceptance and kindness. A world like the one Dr. King envisioned.<br />
<br />
In addition to this, I also see many positive things in the world. I have amazing friends and family who love me for who I am. I am part of a church community that works to serve those in need and where everyone is truly welcome. I work with a principal and a group of teachers who put children first and set their egos aside to help students feel connected and make progress. All students! In the last six months I have met so many people in the mental health community who are doing amazing things to bring hope and love to people suffering with mental illness. This discovery has been like finding a home I never knew existed. I rarely feel alone these days. There are multiple people in real life and online who I can reach out to when times are difficult. This gives me hope, makes me feel strong and connected, and empowers me to keep working.<br />
<br />
I struggle to reconcile these two worlds. How do I stay positive and maintain my mental health without living in complete denial of the problems around me? My most recent attempt has been to avoid all of the negativity that I can. On Facebook I have hidden my school district's union page from my feed for my own sanity. There is just too much bickering, negativity, and disrespect. I can still check it if need be to stay updated on things happening, but it is not forced upon me. I have done the same with several of my "friends" that post things that I find to be toxic. I even removed several of them completely. In real life I have a good bullshit radar and tend to naturally gravitate towards healthy and supportive people. However, there are angry and bitter people I come into contact with just naturally. People who I find to be passive-aggressive, who don't communicate directly, and who are generally negative. I have been working to not personalize the behavior of these people. It's still very hard.<br />
<br />
In my life, in addition to my family, I have two basic passions. Teaching and mental health. As a teacher I am passionate about children having a safe environment where they feel empowered and valued. I am passionate in my belief that students are more than test scores, and that their social and emotional growth is every bit as important as their academic success. My other, and more recently developed, passion is that as a mental health advocate. I want mental illness to be seen just the same way as any other illness. I want there to be no shame associated with having a mental illness. I want people to be able to reach out without fear of judgment when they feel hopeless, alone, and suicidal. We have a long way to go, but this is my work in life. .<br />
<br />
<br />
Teaching is my profession and I love it, but mental health advocacy is where I've found home. Living with depression and anxiety has shaped and continues to shape every aspect of my life, and finding a community of people who share my passion and experiences has been the most life changing experience of my life. In the last six months I have found my voice for the first time. I never believed it would be possible to live openly with my mental illness. I never dreamed that I would be able to use my suffering to help others. And yet, here I am doing just that.<br />
<br />
Dr. King stood up for what he believed in and constantly preached peace, love, and non-violence. While I'm no Dr. King, I also have my own dream about how I can change the world. In searching around this morning I found a quote from him, "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter". It seems rare that people really speak about things that truly matter these days. We are a country divided and our leaders are not working together to make the world a better place for it's citizens. It's up to us. We all have our passions, we all have the capacity to use them to make our worlds kinder and more full of love. And the world can never have too much love and compassion.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-76125011337832671002015-01-04T18:02:00.000-08:002015-01-04T18:02:43.979-08:00Coming back out of my ShellI haven't posted anything for a while, probably about a month. I feel like I've lost my voice and confidence in writing. I could say it's been about being busy, and while I have been, I've also been avoiding my blog. As a matter of fact, I've been questioning whether I would just quit doing my blog altogether. I'm not going to. Something happened in the last week that has reminded me a bit about why I write. So here I am, writing again. <br />
<br />
I was having a conversation with a friend and they brought up the topic of my blog. They thanked me for writing and told me they had some mental health struggles of their own that they are starting to get help with, but they are not ready to be open about it. They also told me that when they read what I write it's like I am inside their head writing their thoughts. I really needed to hear that. I know it's important to feel good about myself without the affirmation of others, but sometimes I just really need to hear that what I'm doing is helpful. It's hard to write things and not get any feedback, not know if anyone is reading it or getting anything out of it. <br />
<br />
This helped me remember one of the main reasons I write, and that is to let others know they are not alone. Being out in the open now it's easy to forget how isolating it can be to suffer alone. Heck, it's unbearably painful at times living openly. And I guess that is my point. In this conversation I had with my friend they mentioned several times that they didn't want to tell people because of the judgment they would face. Battling any mental health issues is hard work, and adding the need to keep it from people can be so isolating and painful. So even if people don't come out in the open, just knowing someone can relate and understands can make a big difference. I know it does for me, and if my blog can do that for others than it is worth it. <br />
<br />
But I don't only write for others, I also write for myself. Living with depression and anxiety means that it's easy for me to want to crawl back in my shell when things get difficult. It's easy to lose my confidence and not want to keep putting myself out there. That's where I've been for a bit. Putting things out to the world helps take the shame away from me, and helps me feel more connected.<br />
<br />
In the spirit of putting things out there, I will share two things with you. I'll start with a challenge and finish with some exciting news. Today I'm feeling horrible. Tomorrow the family goes back to work and school, and the dread is weighing on me today. This has been a challenging year for both of my kids, and the weekly routine and homework battles have been much more stressful than normal. While I love my job and have an amazing class of 4th graders this year, there is increased stress there as well with massive changes and a lack of leadership and support from the district I work for. I know I'll be fine once I get going on the routine, but for today it's dread and a complete lack of energy to do anything.<br />
<br />
Despite my current mood, I also have good news as well. I submitted an application yesterday to be part of a speakers bureau for Stop Stigma Sacramento. I am not familiar with how it all works exactly, but I know that members of the speakers bureau share their stories at schools, businesses and other places in order to erase the stigma surrounding mental illness. I'm terrified of this, but I know my fear will not decrease until I just do it. So I will. I'm not sure how quickly it will come together, but I'm excited to have taken that first step of submitting my application. In the meantime, I'll continue to remember and trust that I can do this. Not only that, but I know it will open new doors for me and help me grow and heal. <br />
<br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-87467534393734144072014-12-16T15:32:00.000-08:002014-12-16T15:32:38.187-08:00Self Care Progress, Kind OfI happen to be in a profession that really takes a toll on my body.
Being an elementary school teacher I am on stage for nearly 6 hours a
day and it is extremely exhausting work. I love it and I'm good at it,
but it really wears me down. I often get sick about this time of year, and it has happened again. <br />
<br />
I'm grateful to have a boss that
understands that family and your health need to come before work,
but it's still hard to take time away when I need it. The students don't
generally respond well to substitutes, and when I come back there is
often something to deal with that happened while I was gone. On top of
that, it typically takes about an hour or more to get the plans together
to have a substitute in your class. It's not the kind of job where you
can just wake up and call in sick. <br />
<br />
It was this exact week last year, the week before Christmas break from school, that I was home in bed all week beginning my recovery from pneumonia. I remember the week before I had noticed a cold or something developing in my chest. However, instead of recognizing the signs and slowing down I ignored it and thought I could push through it until Christmas break. Well, that didn't turn out too well. Being so sick was scary, and being in bed for over a week definitely got my attention. This past year I've really tried to work on taking better care of myself and recognizing the signs my body gives me. I've had mixed results.<br />
<br />
I'd like to tell you that I've made all of these dramatic changes; that I exercise regularly, eat well, and get consistent sleep. As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety I know the importance of these things for my well being. But if I told you that I'd be lying. I exercise occasionally, I love beer and ice cream, and sometimes I stay up too late on work nights and don't get enough sleep. The unavoidable stress of having two dogs, two teenage boys, and a busy job definitely play a role in all of this. I try to remember this and do my best. I think a big part of my self care is not expecting perfection, and to be gentle with myself when I don't make the best choices.<br />
<br />
As often is the case, I had another opportunity this week to make a better choice given similar circumstances. On Saturday, which was the exact day last year that I was diagnosed with pneumonia, I began feeling that congestion in my chest and the exhaustion of an oncoming illness. But this time I listened to my body. I rested that whole day and Sunday also. Then I went to work yesterday and took it as easy as I could on a rainy day with kids in the room all day. During the times they were working and inside recess time I diligently worked on my sub plans for today. So now I am home resting and trying to get over this thing. I cancelled my therapy appointment for today and I took a long nap. I'm far from perfect when it comes to taking care of my body, but I can celebrate the fact that I listened better to my body this year than I did last year. I'm hoping that means it will pass quickly and not linger into my Christmas break.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-25809443414910864882014-11-26T21:22:00.001-08:002014-11-27T21:36:55.903-08:00I am a Stigma Fighter<br />
About five months ago I began writing this blog and quickly became connected with people around the world who also blog about issues related to mental illness. Within a day of posting my first entry I was connected to someone through a mutual friend who was also a mental health blogger. She promptly added me to a private Facebook page for mental health advocates who blog about their experiences. It was a bit overwhelming at first to be among all these accomplished writers who were doing great things as mental health advocates, but it was also a wonderful gift. I realized I was not alone in this endeavor, that there are thousands of people all over the world doing amazing things to raise awareness about mental illness and end the stigma and shame associated with having a mental illness.<br />
<br />
One of those people is Sarah Fader. She has created a webpage called Stigma Fighters where
people share their stories of living with a mental illness. It is very powerful to see people from all walks of life taking a risk and sharing their stories of suffering in order to heal themselves and others. She is
trying to take the next step and turn Stigma Fighters into a non-profit
organization that would create chapters at college campuses where students who struggle can become part of a community who understands. In order for her to take this next step, she needs to raise $5,000 to become a non-profit and set up some tours of college campuses to get things started. <br />
<br />
I was so impressed by her work and I decided to get involved a bit. I
donated some money and also submitted my own story of living with mental
illness to her page. Stigma Fighters is a community, and I am happy to be a part of it. Around this time I also began following the progress of her fundraising
and was surprised and disappointed to see that more people were not donating. <br />
<br />
I think people don't realize the severity of this problem, especially for our young people. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24. As a father of two teenagers this really scares me. Mental illness and suicide are not things that only happen to "other people", it can happen to anyone. There are over 1,000 suicides annually at U.S. colleges, which means an average of three people each day taking their own life on a college campus. <br />
<br />
Despite all of this, I still never really hear about it. It's still a topic that is taboo and filled with shame for people. By not talking about this issue, we are teaching our youth that it is indeed a shameful thing that should not be spoken of. Then when youth begin to have symptoms, as many do, they feel ashamed, isolated, and don't know how to get help. They need to know it's okay to talk about it, and they need to have a place where they can get help. Stigma Fighters can be that place. I sincerely hope that this money can be raised so Sarah can continue moving forward with this important work. Without a doubt I know it does and will continue to save lives. <br />
<br />
If you are interested in donating here is the link to her fundraising page: <a href="http://www.funddreamer.com/campaigns/help-stigma-fighters-become-a-501c3">http://www.funddreamer.com/campaigns/help-stigma-fighters-become-a-501c3 </a><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-87058949512049827782014-11-11T09:29:00.001-08:002014-11-11T09:29:43.291-08:00Staying AfloatI haven't been able to write for several weeks now. I'm not really sure why, but I have a few theories. First, ever since I shared my story of living with depression publicly at church about a month ago I just am not sure what to talk about. That was such an intense experience that maybe I just felt like I needed to crawl back in my shell for a bit? Another possible theory is the "my life is crazy" theory. This has been a really tough last several months for me. Both of my sons are having difficult years in school (10th and 7th grade) and the tension and conflict in the house is really creating a lot of stress. On top of this we got a new dog, a one year old bulldog, right around the time school started. She is having a harder time of settling in than we had hoped, and it really feels similar to having a toddler back in the house. She chews things and we need to watch her most of the time. The combination of these two things has me so busy and stressed I don't often have time to slow down and reflect.<br />
<br />
Whatever the reason, I don't like it. I miss writing, I miss publishing things, and I miss the cathartic experience of putting things on "paper" and sharing it with the world. When life is stressful I need that release that writing brings me even more. So here I am, trying again to write. Seeing what may come. I'm guessing this won't be one of my better posts, and it will likely reflect where my mind is right now. Scattered. <br />
<br />
These last several weeks have been particularly challenging. Truthfully, we are at the point of not being sure if we will be able to keep our new dog. This is a really difficult decision to make because our youngest son has become really attached to her and we worry about the effect giving her up would have on him. We have a trainer we have worked with before, and are going to give that a shot before making any decisions. Part of this is that she requires so much attention and energy, and our boys haven't been as helpful as we had hoped. They are struggling to keep up with their workload in school as it is. <br />
<br />
So in this time the question I am often asked by my therapist is, "What can you do to take care of yourself?" Well... I suppose that's an area where I'm a bit of a mixed bag right now. On the one hand, I'm going to yoga once or twice a week. I really love yoga and it clears my head and gives me a fresh perspective most of the time. On the other hand, I find myself turning to alcohol a bit more frequently after a stressful day. Not an excessive amount, but it likely makes me more worn out in the long run. I think my biggest barrier to self-care though is just being hard on myself. Expecting myself to be perfect, getting down on myself for not always reacting in the best way when things get tough with my sons. Life is just hard sometimes, and now is one of those times. This is always a difficult time of year with the days getting shorter, the long stretch of school from August to November without many breaks, and just getting worn down. I need to remind myself that I don't have to be perfect. I need to remember all of the good things that I do, and not dwell on my struggles but learn from them. I need to keep writing, connecting, and reaching out when I feel overwhelmed and disconnected. I'm starting to do those things a bit more this last week, and I can feel the difference.<br />
<br />
So despite the fact that my household feels much like a battle zone these days, I am hanging in there. I am doing my very best to be a good parent, husband, teacher, and person while still working to take care of myself. I'm certainly not doing it perfectly, but that isn't my goal anyway. Doing my best, being transparent about what is happening, and living with the results is what I'm striving for. <br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-90379086758803574102014-10-19T22:29:00.001-07:002014-10-19T22:29:53.770-07:00A Bump in the RoadIt's hard for me to say I'm not doing okay. But that's where I was much of today. My depression and anxiety are lying to me. I don't believe them, but it's still been a hard day. I've been having negative thoughts about myself, overreacting to things, and I just wanted to hide in a corner somewhere. And truthfully, sometimes in these moments hiding in a corner for a while is the best thing I can do.<br />
<br />
I was already feeling a bit off when I woke up this morning, it seems it's been building up for a week or so with the stress and just feeling not quite right. Being overly busy, which I have been for over a month, can trigger a mood like this. Especially once I have a bit of down time like I have had this weekend. Today at church was youth Sunday, which meant both of my sons would be participating in the service in one way or another. One was leading the prayer and the other was playing his electric bass with the band and reading scripture. It "should" have been a happy and proud moment for me, but when I'm feeling bad it doesn't really matter what's happening on the outside. I am proud of my sons and they did a great job, but my actual experience at church was mostly one of self-judgment and social anxiety. <br />
<br />
One of my sons was also having a difficult time before church and I didn't
handle it very well at all. I was reactive instead of trying to be
understanding. I felt the wrath of his anger for that one, which sent
me a bit deeper. During church I was thinking a lot about what a bad father I was, though my thoughts attacked me in other ways as well. I know I'm not a bad father, but those thoughts are very real and powerful. There were moments throughout the service, which I can objectively say was beautifully done, where I escaped the fog and enjoyed it. The music was great and the teen who gave the sermon was inspiring. But the negative thoughts kept coming back and after the service they kicked back in completely. I've learned that, at these moments, it is best for me to just get away. Of course, this isn't always an option. So I stuck it out and then headed home once I was able..<br />
<br />
Now that I'm home and some time has passed I can already look at the experience with a little bit of perspective. It is very hard to be out in public and interact when I'm not thinking straight. Battling negative thoughts and feelings while I'm surrounded by people connecting with each other is hard. So is having conversations with people while my head is filled with negativity and heaviness. One thing I've improved on in these moments is being less judgmental of myself. I had the awareness today, even in the moment, that the thoughts aren't reality and they will pass. I was able to get myself home and start getting myself back together. I took a nap, went to yoga, and tonight I'm feeling a little bit better.<br />
<br />
I still don't fully understand my depression and anxiety. It has a mind of its own, comes and goes when it pleases, and I can't always predict when and where it will emerge. Today was definitely a ride it out day. I went through the motions, I did the tiring work of challenging my negative thoughts, and I made it through the day. I don't like it, but it's part of living with depression. Oddly enough, I'd call it a successful day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-81069390190474347052014-10-12T11:34:00.000-07:002014-10-12T11:34:00.605-07:00Why we Have to Speak UpAround the fall of 2011 I decided I didn't want to keep my mental illness a secret anymore. I wanted to be open, I wanted the people in my life to know, and I was tired of living in the darkness. But I was afraid. I worried what others would think about me. I was still living in my own self-stigma. I lived on the fence for a couple of years and had opened up to people in my life, yet in many ways I was still keeping my mental illness hiding in the corner where I felt it belonged.<br />
<br />
It's not in the corner anymore. I'm completely out in the open now about the fact that I live with depression and anxiety. It culminated two weeks ago when I spoke candidly in church about my experiences and the need to break the stigma. I know my talking and posting about it makes some people uncomfortable, but I really just don't care anymore. Not having to keep my two lives separate any longer has been a blessing for me, and I feel more than ever that I can be who I really am. And for a while that was enough. It's already not anymore.<br />
<br />
I have a new feeling emerging as I go through this process. Anger. I'm angry about the stigma, about how we don't talk about mental illness, and how this leads to a world where shame and secrecy still surround issues of mental illness and suicide. A world where every year a million people worldwide take their own lives instead of seeking and receiving treatment, in large part because of this stigma. We should all be outraged! And yet we're not. Mental illness is treatable after all, and treatment saves lives. It's not enough anymore to just be comfortable in my own skin, I need to keep pushing to bring mental illness fully into the light and break the stigma. <br />
<br />
I think about the fact that in the U.S., where I live, suicide is the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24. I also think about the effect not talking about mental illness and suicide as a society has on our suicide rate, especially for our young people. By not talking about it we are giving our youth the message that it is a shameful thing not to be spoken of. I know there are other factors, but no wonder so many don't choose to seek treatment. No wonder so many choose to take their own lives. This is an illness, like cancer, that does not discriminate. It could happen to any of us. And for those of us who are parents, it could happen to our kids. We need to let them know that if they do begin to have symptoms that it is okay to talk about it and seek help. <br />
<br />
Not too long ago I was approached by a youth who was struggling with depression. She knew she was depressed and wanted me to tell her how she can get help. What a wonderful thing that this youth would take the risk to talk to me and take steps to get help. However, their parents have pushed the issue aside when she has tried to bring it up. They have also made comments like, "nobody in this family is depressed" since she has been struggling. That's shame, that's stigma! And sadly, it intensifies this person's feeling that there is something wrong with them. It's an awful message to give a youth, and it's not true. What is this person supposed to do now? They are dependent upon their parents to get help. How can they get help if their parents won't even acknowledge a problem exists? This is why we have to speak up. This is why I will continue to push awareness of mental illness. This is why I will not stop talking about it! I implore you to do the same. There are many lives at stake, and we can no longer stay silent.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-44563313038926335962014-09-30T21:09:00.003-07:002014-09-30T21:09:41.434-07:00There's no shame in having a mental illnessSunday was not the end of my journey, but it was certainly a momentous step on my road to recovery and self-acceptance. I spoke at church about my life with depression, I was the guest speaker in place of the sermon. I was honest and open about what it's like to live with depression, the stigma, and how much work needs to be done to raise awareness. I have long envisioned my journey as a path from self-hatred to self-love and acceptance. I'm not there and will continue this journey throughout my life, but I can see how far I've come.<br />
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In my teens and early twenties I was filled with shame. It encompassed every aspect of my life and completely clouded the way I viewed myself. It affected all of my relationships. At my core I felt there was something wrong with me. I knew I wanted to be authentic and be myself, but I saw myself as shameful and unlovable so I felt the need to pretend to be something I wasn't. I hid my real feelings from the rest of the world. Despite going through a lot of therapy and really getting myself to a better place, I basically lived this way until about 3 years ago. That's when I began the process of "coming out" following my worst and scariest episode of depression. Sharing my story in public was in many ways the culmination of that process. By speaking at church I did something I've been wanting to do at some level for the last 25 years. <br />
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I told the truth. I got up in front of about 150-200 people at church and for 15 minutes I told them the truth about my experience of living with depression and anxiety. It seems like such a simple concept. But when it comes to depression and anxiety, telling the truth publicly is not easy or common. How freeing it was to be able to just get up in front of people and speak honestly about my experience with having a mental illness. As I spoke I could see that many people in the pews were crying a bit. My wife and kids were there, my parents, some of my closest friends, and a number of people who I have known for about 20 years who didn't know this about me. I shared a lot of details, but my basic message is that I have a mental illness, I lived in the darkness with it for nearly 25 years due to shame, and now I live in the open with it and have become a mental health advocate. All the different work I have done over the years led me to a point where I was comfortable enough to speak about it publicly. When I was finished people clapped, and we are not a church where clapping really happens. They clapped for a long time. I was so humbled by this, I never thought this day would come and then to have such a positive response was wonderful!<br />
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It was clear that sharing my story had an effect on people. I had a lot of people come up to me after the service to talk to me or just offer a supportive hug. Some "came out" to me, others asked how they go about getting help, many shared about their family members who have suffered or still do suffer. I realized yet again that we are all affected by mental illness, either directly or indirectly. People may not accept it or talk about it, but it's there. It seems to be everywhere. <br />
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I have only begun to process what all of this means to me. I do know I really liked it and would welcome other opportunities to share my story publicly. I think my biggest takeaway so far is the power of simply talking about mental illness honestly. People have been telling me since I started blogging and being open about depression that I am brave and courageous. I don't know about that, but the fact that they think I am courageous brings light to the level of taboo and stigma that still surrounds this topic. So many, and often with good reason, suffer in shame and isolation. People are still told by parents, partners, and friends to "just get over it" or "stop feeling sorry for yourself". I know this because some have confided this in me over the last several months. This makes me so sad. We need to talk about it, and people need to understand that it is an illness. It actually is a matter of life and death Mental illness is not a sign of weakness, it's not a character flaw, and it's not your fault if you are suffering! I have hope that change is happening. There are many of us coming out in the open and letting the world know there is no shame in having a mental illness. I finally know I am not alone, and that's a feeling I want everyone who suffers from a mental illness to be able to experience!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-78475063902553211662014-09-13T20:01:00.001-07:002014-09-13T20:01:56.678-07:00FInding my WayToday is one of those days. I've been going non-stop for the last two weeks because my sons started school two weeks ago and I had a training last weekend that cut into that time I need to get emotional reset for another busy week. So I entered this week already feeling a bit worn down. Despite all this, it's actually been a great couple of weeks for me. School is going well, our new dog is settling (slowly) into our house, and my mood has been pretty steady and generally up. But when I run myself a little too ragged there is often an emotional dip once I finally get the time to breathe. Today is that day.<br />
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Thankfully I have not had a major episode of depression in over three years, but I do still have days or even several days where I struggle. I do feel some symptoms of depression today. I'm easily frustrated, I've been overreacting to things with my family, and I just feel kind of down and have low energy. The negative thoughts are spinning around my head. In the past, it was easy to let a day like this snowball into several days of it or even a longer episode of depression. I'm learning that one way to keep it from spiraling further is to just let it be and acknowledge it without judgment. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm also not piling guilt and shame upon myself for having a bad day and feeling bad about myself. I know it will pass. Even as I'm in it, I can see beyond it. <br />
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As a teen and young adult trying to survive with depression I learned a lot of habits and thinking patterns that are not very useful now. Because I felt, with good reason at the time, that I needed to hide my depression and keep my negative thoughts and feelings from others I learned to deny my actual reality. It was very damaging for me to have to pretend to feel different than I actually felt. It led to further shame, lower self esteem, and would often move me towards episodes of depression. Slowly I'm learning to accept my negative thoughts and feelings and not push them away or deny it altogether. It is such a simple concept, but owning and accepting whatever I'm experiencing is incredibly difficult and takes effort. It is effort well spent.<br />
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This journey through depression and anxiety has been incredibly painful and challenging, but it has also made me grow in ways I likely would not have if I had never experienced it. It has allowed me to more fully realize who I am and become comfortable in my own skin. I has given me a level of compassion that has made me a better teacher, friend, father, and husband. I have made connections in real life and through social media that would not have happened without depression and anxiety being a part of my life. Being in the light with my struggles and having communities of fellow survivors is a blessing. It feels like home in a way that nothing has felt like home before. And thanks to that I can even feel a little hopeful and connected on a down day like today. <br />
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. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-51492100122916531082014-08-29T18:58:00.001-07:002014-08-29T18:58:11.721-07:00Battling shameNow that I'm back in the full swing of school there is less time for writing on here, but I'm still trying to write something about once a week just to keep the momentum going. This past week has been better overall with the negative thinking, and I'm getting back in the swing of things with school. One of the biggest struggles I have going on right now would be the fact that I'm trying to change some habits around eating and exercise.<br />
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In therapy the other day I realized, once again, how difficult it is for me to let myself be human and imperfect. I have no problem allowing that to others, but not so much for myself. I had so much trouble just talking about wanting to eat better and exercise more. I was ashamed of the fact that I have put on some weight over the last several years and don't always make the best choices when it comes to what I eat and drink. Shame is a feeling that comes up often for me, and it came up again this week in therapy when talking about this topic. Shame is not something I like to admit to, but I know it's a common experience for people who live with depression and other mental illnesses. The truth is that it is deeply ingrained in me that there is something wrong with me. It is just something I have to grapple with on a fairly regular basis. This despite the massive amounts of evidence in my life to the contrary. That's the depression in action.<br />
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I know that with shame the best thing to do is put it out there. Keeping things inside only makes me feel more isolated and alone. Exposing shame to light takes away some of it's power, admitting to how I really feel often empowers me. My shame often comes from the fact that I feel different, alone, or like I'm the only one that struggles with whatever it is that I'm struggling with. My therapist asked me if I thought I was the only one who struggles with eating healthy and exercising. It was kind of comical because of course I know I'm not the only one. And yet, at a feeling level I do feel that way sometimes. There's a part of me that thinks I'm the only one who experiences any difficulty in life. Again, the depression in action.<br />
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So I am trying to make some healthier choices and also not be so hard on myself when I don't do it perfectly. One of the positive things I'm doing, that I actually started doing several months ago, is yoga. Beginning to practice yoga has been really great for me. In addition to it helping me get back into shape a bit more and gain some strength and flexibility, the spiritual aspect of yoga is really amazing. The practice of yoga is like the opposite of shame. The teachers will often say things about recognizing thoughts and feelings without judgment. Some have even literally said to the class you are perfect just as you are. It seems to be kind of the message and energy of people who teach yoga. The clear message I always get when I'm in yoga is that I am perfectly fine just the way I am. What an amazing and beautiful concept! <br />
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So I will move imperfectly forward in my attempt to practice more healthy habits. I will try and remind myself that I'm not alone, and that everyone struggles with something. Nobody is immune to suffering and difficulty in life. And most importantly, I will continue to write and talk about all of this both here and in other places. The truth continues to be that I am perfectly imperfect, whether I'm feeling and believing it or not. <br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-17292199304501450162014-08-20T19:40:00.001-07:002014-08-20T19:40:25.406-07:00Stress and Negative ThinkingI often forget how tiring and stressful the beginning of the school year can be. And this year there are a few added challenges that is making it even more difficult. I've changed from 2nd to 4th grade, so I am learning a whole new curriculum. I had to move classrooms and am still trying to get some things in place. We have a new math program that is really challenging for the students (and teachers). And maybe the most frustrating aspect of life right now is the fact that our house is still in disarray due to the remodel not quite being done. Having the house be a mess and so many things being where they do not belong is really getting old!<br />
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The first week of school has been a real roller coaster emotionally. When stress hits me I tend to fall into some negative habits and thinking. Especially the thinking... I'm extremely hard on myself and have difficulty allowing myself to just be human. Being in a new grade level it's natural that I have a lot to learn. But time after time this last week when things don't go well with a lesson or I need to ask for help from the other teachers I have really gotten down on myself. I don't give myself the same compassion I would offer any of my colleagues in the same circumstances. From there it has a tendency to just snowball. At least, I fear it's going to snowball and I'll fall back into a deep pit of depression. <br />
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So I brought this overwhelmed and stressed out attitude to therapy yesterday. I went on for about 15 minutes about my negative thinking, the things that weren't going well, and all of the stress in my life. Once I slowed down she asked me if it was possible that I'm just stressed and overwhelmed because I have a lot of change and challenges in my life right now. She's right. It's frustrating how when things are tough I just go straight to self-judgment instead of just acknowledging that things might just be difficult and challenging right now. It's such a persistent habit that I often don't realize it's happening. I'm working on being more aware of my thoughts, and challenging them with reality.<br />
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Another thing I noticed I am doing is focusing on the negative aspects of my day more than the positive ones. Yesterday, for example, I felt really down and stressed as I went to school. I was lacking confidence and my energy wasn't very good. Then once I started teaching things went really well. The technology in my class that had been broken since school started was fixed, which makes teaching so much easier! And I was just kind of in a groove all day with my teaching. The kids were engaged, I was having fun. It was a great school day! After school on the way to therapy that heavy and down feeling I had in the morning returned. I carried that into the session. But what I notice now is that I was completely focused on the fact that I was having this heavy, overwhelmed feeling instead of the fact that I had felt really good all day at work. <br />
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I think over the last several months I've been working on changing my perspective about how I react to my moods. Somehow I have this expectation that I should always feel good. That's not realistic. Nobody feels good all the time, especially those of us who battle depression. So I'm trying to change my expectation. I'm trying to be okay with the fact that sometimes I won't feel well. Sometimes I'll be stressed, sad, tired, frustrated, angry and a variety of other not so great feelings. It's okay to not feel okay sometimes! The real trouble I think is not that I have these feelings, it's that when I do I get so down on myself. I think they won't pass, or they mean there's something wrong with me. But the truth is that life can be hard at times and I will not always feel good. The bad feelings pass and I can often remind myself that the negative thoughts are just the depression lying to me. It does that a lot, for everyone who suffers from depression. <br />
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The truth is that the beginning of the school year is challenging and takes a lot of energy! I'm going to be tired sometimes. Stressed. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. But I can't let myself forget that I also love what I do. And I'm good at it. I connect really well with my students and the other teachers. I laugh and smile a LOT during the day. I also have amazing co-workers. We work well together and really do our best to do what's best for kids. Not all schools have that. All of this is true!. The negative that often creeps into my head does not take away the positive. I have a feeling I'll be reminding myself of this fact a lot over the next several weeks...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-34784016433822228302014-08-14T18:44:00.001-07:002014-08-14T18:45:14.928-07:00New BeginningsAfter four years of teaching 2nd grade I've moved up to fourth grade. Today was the first day of school. I'm tired. Really tired! My wife actually just looked over at me and told me I look exhausted. She's right. But I'm excited also!<br />
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Last year was the most difficult year of teaching I've ever had. There were many challenges that eventually just overtook me. It was a very emotionally exhausting year. The truth is, I took things a bit personally and took the struggles of some of my students on as my own. I know from talking to teachers over the years that everyone has a year like that every once in a while, last year was mine...<br />
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A year like that definitely made me question a few things, including my abilities as a teacher. It made me doubt myself for sure. So I entered this year with that hanging over me a bit. But at the same time, I'm determined to not have a repeat of last year. I do think I've learned a few things from the struggle.<br />
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Over the last several days as I've prepared my classroom I've been doing a lot of thinking about things. I have a summer of perspective on my year and it's allowed me to make some shifts in my thinking. There were many of my students who did make great progress last year both academically and socially. I was also able to remind myself that there are many things I cannot control and that I did my best to help all of my students. But most of all I regained perspective on what's most important to me as a teacher.<br />
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Teaching for me has always been about the relationships I build with the students and creating an environment where kids feel safe and empowered. Everything flows from that. Teaching and learning happen so naturally when you build a strong community in the classroom. I know these days there is so much emphasis on high stakes testing and data. It's easy to slip into thinking that's what matters most because of all the pressure put on teachers and schools to get good test scores with no excuses. But teaching kids how to score well on a test is such a small part of what I believe will ultimately make them happy and productive people both now and down the road. Kids need to learn problem solving, social skills, empathy and teamwork. They need to feel valued as people and gain confidence that they can be successful. And that's just scratching the surface really...<br />
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I was able to bring that perspective into the classroom today and had a great time. We did some art, went over rules and procedures, and got to know each other a bit through some other activities. It was a really wonderful day. I'm hopeful about this year. I have the opportunity to make a positive impact on my 26 students' lives, and for that I am very grateful!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-76486642677435296572014-08-09T16:01:00.000-07:002014-08-09T16:01:46.434-07:00Ready or Not....I want to be a mental health advocate. I have come to accept my own depression and I want to let people know that there is nothing wrong with having depression or any other mental illness. I know this work can save lives and help me grow as well. I'm done living in the dark and pretending like this doesn't exist.<br />
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But at the same time, it's not like I make my statement and I'm done. These steps are opening doors that I'm not sure I'm ready to walk through. I have issues with anxiety, I think and worry about things. Change scares me, putting myself out there scares me, and taking risks in general scares me.<br />
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The most recent door that has opened for me is an opportunity to share my story in public. My pastor is aware of the process I've been going through with coming out in the open and working to raise awareness and understanding of mental illness. This week he asked me if I would be willing to share my story with the congregation in church. I was thinking he meant giving a 2-3 minute testimony near the beginning of the service. But in fact what he meant is my speaking would replace the sermon. Or rather, I guess my talk would BE the sermon.<br />
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As he brought this up to me in person earlier this week I told him I was interested. But inside I was thinking there is no way in hell I'm getting up in front of the whole congregation and sharing my story. Here's what was running through my mind. I can't do this. I don't know what to say. I'll freeze up, panic, shake, shut down, etc... Who would be there? What if _____ shows up? These are just some of the fears that immediately began racing through my head. And yet, I told him I'd think about it. I figured this was something that would happen down the line and I'd have plenty of time to hopefully warm up to the idea.<br />
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Then just a couple of days ago I received an email from him giving me an actual date, September 28th, that he would like me to speak in church. Again the fears started running wild and the anxiety started running through my body. My mind was racing. Public speaking in general scares me. I mean, I'm an elementary teacher and I speak in front of kids (and often parents who may be in the room) all the time. But this is different. This is new.<br />
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I often talk about my depression here, but anxiety is something I also have issues with. I've definitely been having some anxiety with this. Intrusive thoughts. Difficulty quieting my head enough to fall asleep. General nervousness. So part of the struggle with both depression and anxiety isn't just the depression and anxiety, it's the negative thinking and self judgment that go with it. So I'm working on that with this whole opportunity to speak in church and share my story. What if it's just scary and anxiety producing because it's new to me? There are plenty of things that used to scare me terribly that I do now regularly with little or no fear. Maybe with practice speaking in public about my depression can be the same.<br />
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I'm going to do it. I'm going to share my story for whoever shows up at church on September 28th. For years I have let fear rule me. As a teen and young adult my fear and anxiety played a role in nearly every decision I made. Since starting therapy nearly 25 years ago it's become a process of learning to live out of love instead of fear. It's an extremely slow process... So despite the fact that I am really scared and full of self-doubt at the moment I'm doing this. <br />
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There's also something else I sense within me. Excitement! Behind and mixed in with all the fear and doubt I'm currently experiencing is excitement. I'm not excited about the actual act of getting up there and speaking, but I'm excited about the effect it may have on me as well as others. I'm excited about a chance to touch other people's lives. Somewhere inside me hidden amongst this fear I know the message I have to share is powerful and that speaking up about mental illness can change and save lives. This is an amazing opportunity, and I'm not going to let my fear keep me from it this time. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-26910364339773620772014-08-05T09:39:00.003-07:002014-08-05T09:39:51.881-07:00On my MindI've been writing this blog now for just a couple of weeks, and I find that at times it consumes me. I've never really been much of a writer. I avoided writing at all costs in high school, and thanks to a great city college instructor I learned to at least gain a little confidence with writing throughout college. However, other than writing in my journal and sending personal and professional emails I haven't really written anything in the 20 years since leaving college.<br />
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So how does it consume me? I find myself thinking about things I want to write about all the time. Multiple topics float around in my head, but there are so many different topics that focusing what I actually want to say is not easy. I suppose with practice I may get better at organizing my thoughts and getting them out in a coherent way. I've never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but I find myself not wanting to "publish" anything on here until it's just right. Well, not today! Today I think will be more about what's been going on in my head and whatever else I seem to be thinking about.<br />
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I start thinking that there is somehow a "right" way to be doing this. It's been great that I've been invited to this mental health bloggers group on Facebook. I'm learning a lot, reading some great articles, and realizing how many people are out there working to reduce the stigma and raise awareness about mental illness. The other side of this coin is that I tend to compare myself to others a lot. When I compare myself to others, I'm always the one not measuring up. I tend to look at their blogs searching for the correct way to do it. But the reality is I am going to find my own way, find my own voice, and write my blog the way that fits for me. I have to remind myself it doesn't have to be like other people's writing. <br />
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The other thing on my mind is that I'm going back to work next week. Well, one of the other things on my mind... I am an elementary school teacher. For the last four years I have taught 2nd grade, and I'm very excited to be teaching 4th grade this year. I do better with kids a bit older, so I think this will be a positive change for me. I also will know many of the kids because it's the same group that was in 2nd grade two years ago. <br />
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The other part of going back to work that's on my mind is that I started writing this blog over the summer and many of the people I work with have read it. I know many of my coworkers as well as some of the parents are aware of and have probably read this blog. There's a part of me that really doesn't give a shit to be honest. What I write is simply the truth. I'm perfectly clear on why I'm doing this and I'm committed to bringing light to depression, anxiety, and mental illness in general. But that doesn't mean it's not scary. That doesn't mean I don't worry that others will think badly of me or wonder why I would want to share such personal things with the world. I'm back and forth between these two sets of thoughts and feelings constantly.<br />
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This line of thinking reminds me of another blog post I read just the other day. It was about stigma and the shame that those of us feel when telling others (either in person or in writing) that we have a mental illness. The point was that we have to keep working at it until that shame and stigma is gone. The article reminded me why I need to continue to putting myself out there to the world to show both myself and others that there is nothing "wrong with me". I can have anxiety and depression and still be an effective teacher. Actually, I feel that my experiences with depression and anxiety have made me a much better teacher. And as that sentence makes it's way to the screen, my mind begins racing about how I can write a whole entry about how fighting depression and anxiety has made me a better teacher. But I'll save that for another time, no need to worry about that now.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-62513569824178160272014-07-31T14:17:00.002-07:002014-08-09T13:12:47.188-07:00Therapy todaySo it's hard to believe that it was exactly a week ago today that I posted on Facebook the link to this blog. I continue to be excited about being out there to the world and not being ashamed to say I have depression and anxiety. I have had many kind messages and comments, several good conversations in real life, and some have confided in me that they, too, have similar struggles. It has taken me about 25 years to get to this point, and I'm grateful to be out in the open.<br />
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However, when I walked into therapy today thinking I was going to be so excited to tell my therapist that I had taken this step it didn't quite work out that way. As I often do, I walked in and kind of just froze up. This happens often... I wasn't excited, I felt tense and nervous and so we talked about that for a bit. Even after over a year with her, I still get nervous about opening up. I actually have found that I'm more nervous and likely to freeze up when I have something positive to share.<br />
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So eventually we got around to talking about this whole being out in the open thing. She asked me how I felt about it, I said excited but still wasn't really feeling it at that moment. It's pretty amazing how quickly I forget the details of what happened in therapy... So it will get a bit blurry from here for a bit. I know I spent some time talking about all that has happened as a result from putting that post out there, mostly the things I mentioned above about people's responses.<br />
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Let me take a step back for a second and share some background. I am one of those people who feels like I need to resolve everything. If I have an issue with someone I don't feel comfortable around that person until we've talked it through. At least in most of my relationships that's true. I see people who are able to let things go and function fine around people they have unresolved conflict with. I have never understood that. I've always wanted to do that, but it just hasn't seemed to be something I could have any control over. Things that had happened several years ago could still be triggered at a moments notice.<br />
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So back to therapy. I was telling my therapist that I walked into one of those situations one day this week where I am often triggered and nothing really happened. There was someone there who I feel I have these unresolved issues with. I mean, I actually felt fine being in this environment and enjoyed myself for the short time I was there. She wondered what had changed. I couldn't really say. I had talked with a separate friend about it this week so maybe that was it? But I've talked about this issue with people before and nothing had changed. So my therapist wondered about the possible connection between "coming out" this week and my not being triggered. It's possible I suppose.<br />
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Whatever it is, there was clearly a shift there. For the first time I had a real feeling sense that I may be able to resolve issues within myself without needing the other person's participation. It's still very new to me, but it feels like this is a big deal. How nice it would be to not take things so personally all the time, to have another tool in my belt for dealing with people who I struggle with. This felt like a big breakthrough to me. At that point I talked about how for several months I have felt like I'm just coasting along through therapy and not much is happening. But I think the reality is that sometimes changes are taking root that I don't really see coming. Lulls are normal, and I guess I never know when what I've been working on is going to result in some kind of breakthrough. <br />
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I had another breakthrough towards the end of the session. I was feeling very open now and was expressing myself much more easily. I told her about how hard it is for me to tell her good things about myself. I think that was why the anxiety at the beginning. I have trouble thinking of myself in a positive light. This week I had done this amazing thing of coming out to the world about my depression, a huge step, and I still am not giving myself credit and letting myself feel all the good that is coming out of this. So she told me that this week she wants me to work on acknowledging how great I am, and how what I'm doing is really helping me and others as well. I'll be working on it...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-74839367578919731552014-07-28T09:14:00.001-07:002014-08-09T13:06:07.198-07:00My HopeIn 2012 and then again this year I participated in something called the out of the darkness overnight walk. It's a 16-18 mile walk put on by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention that begins shortly before sunset and ends with a closing ceremony as the sun rises. Each time it has been an empowering and healing experience for me. All that I'm doing now; starting the page on facebook, starting this blog, coming out in the open about my depression, would not be happening if I had not done each of these walks.<br />
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We walk to raise money and awareness for suicide prevention. The money goes to research and programs aimed at raising awareness and opportunities to seek help. Most of the people who walk do so because they have lost someone they love to suicide. Some, like me, walk because they have suffered from mental illness and we want to raise awareness and be a part of the healing that happens there. It's a place where talking about mental illness and suicide is completely acceptable. Despite all the sadness and pain that is very present, the event is filled with a sense of hope and love that is beyond what I can put into words.<br />
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When you arrive at the walk you get to choose different colors of bead necklaces to wear based on why you walk. When I see people wearing a white bead necklace, I knew that they had lost a child to suicide. When people saw me wearing my green bead necklace, they knew that I have struggled personally with mental illness. There are 8 different colors of beads that represent different reasons for walking. It's a brilliant idea and so empowering for me to be able to wear those beads. It's very comforting to be in that space surrounded by people who understand..<br />
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So now I've done that walk twice, and what I'm trying to do is bring that same sense of acceptance and love that I feel there into my daily life. How amazing would it be if people could speak freely, without shame, about their emotional struggles? How many lives would be saved if people were educated about the warning signs and were able to seek treatment? That is my hope, and I will work to live my life in this way. I read a statistic today that only 1 in 5 people with mental health issues are currently receiving treatment for it. That makes me so sad, but I understand some of the reasons why. Many people don't even realize they have a problem that could be treated and many don't have access to help. But I think a lot of it has to do with the stigma.<br />
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I have been working on myself through therapy and support groups since around 1990, and I've made a great deal of progress. There has definitely been a major shift in my work over the last three years since my last major episode of depression.. Most of this recent work has been about dealing with my own stigma of my depression. I was ashamed of it, I'm not feeling that as much anymore. For years I felt it was a weakness, and I felt that it was my fault that I couldn't just overcome it. I know better now. I work now to embrace and accept my illness. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments where the darkness takes over and the negative thoughts and feelings dominate me. These times are very difficult and hard to endure. Thankfully there haven't been many of them lately. However, even in those moments now I have the sense that they will pass and I have a lot more tools for riding it out and getting back to a better space.<br />
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I have been reading a number of other blogs about people's experience with mental illness and I found a quote I really liked on one. His motto was, "enjoy the good and ride out the bad". It definitely has meaning for my experiences with depression. To me that means when things aren't good I don't need to try and force my way out of it or fight it. I just need to accept it and ride it out, It will pass, it always does... As for now, I'm in one of those good phases and I'm going to enjoy it. Well, both my sons are up now so I think I'll talk to them and figure out what we will do with our day.... <br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-42072201907202293022014-07-25T11:02:00.001-07:002014-08-09T11:59:51.795-07:00WowI decided tonight to post a link to this blog on Facebook for all to see. I was terrified to take this step. It felt like a really big one. Each time I have taken a step like this over the last couple of years it has felt like stepping off of a cliff. Tonight was no different, and I needed a bit of encouragement from Amy (my wife) to hit that post button. As the "likes" and kind comments poured in the fear turned quickly to peace and excitement. I have gotten so many kind and supportive comments. I really appreciate you all for your generous words and thoughts, it means so much to me.<br />
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It's hard for me to put into words what it means to be completely out in the open about my depression. For years and years I have felt like I need to keep my depression a secret. I know now I did that because I thought of it as a character flaw, that there was something wrong with me and it was shameful. I have been seeing the same therapist now for a little over a year. At the beginning of my time with her she was constantly telling me, "there's nothing wrong with you". She still does sometimes. That negative message is very deeply ingrained in me. I know that there is nothing wrong with me now in my head, and more and more I'm beginning to feel that as well. It's a slow process for sure....<br />
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It's the next morning now and I'm still feeling excited about all the positive feedback. Just like in 2011 when I began this "coming out" process the weight on my shoulders is even lighter. One thing about my depression is that it tells me all kinds of lies. It has told me, and continues at times to tell me, that people don't like me, nobody would understand, I'm a burden to those in my life, etc... It's that whole secret thing. Sure, people are always nice to me and like me and such... But if they really knew the truth that would all change. Well, here I've told anyone willing to read this the truth and yet you are still here. You don't think less of me. In fact, it seems to be just the opposite! Wow indeed!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8087891551537158788.post-46022088578869124812014-07-22T23:25:00.000-07:002014-08-09T11:54:50.159-07:00Why am I doing this???I've been asking myself this question. Why would I want to write about my personal experiences with depression and anxiety and then put it out there for anyone to see? It scares the hell out of me to be honest. And yet, it just feels like the next logical step at this point in life..<br />
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I have dealt with depression and anxiety for nearly as long as I can remember. For years I would not fully acknowledge that simple fact. I was on and off medication, I went to therapy, and yet I still didn't really consider myself as someone who had depression and anxiety until fairly recently. I never attempted suicide. I have never been hospitalized. This line of thinking was a way to separate myself from people who were really messed up. I just wasn't ready to accept it, or maybe I just couldn't see it clearly. I would go off my medication once I started to feel better with the assumption that everything was better now and I didn't need the medication anymore. I wanted to be "normal". Who doesn't?<br />
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About three years ago I had one of my worst episodes of depression that once again pushed me back onto medication and into therapy. It was different this time. I had always managed to push my way through my episodes before. I mean I was miserable, but I still managed to function. I did get through this episode, but I felt more out of control than I had ever felt before. It scared me. A LOT!!! I didn't feel safe. I thought I would have to be hospitalized. I would make it through work somehow (those close to me noticed something wasn't right) and then just come home and cry. I would often cry in the car on my way to and from work. After a while, maybe 2 months, the medication started to kick in and slowly I began to stabilize...<br />
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I started taking it a bit more seriously. Instead of just letting my general doctor take care of prescribing me medication I asked for a referral to a psychiatrist. He questioned me for about an hour about my history and then told me I have episodic major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I hadn't noticed it really before he pointed it out, but over the years my episodes would come more quickly each time after going off of meds and the severity of the episodes began increasing. I made a choice at that point that my goal was no longer to go off of medication. I'm still on it 3 years later and am not sure I'll ever go off. I'm open, but at this point I see no reason to.<br />
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Now comes the part that begins to explain why I am writing. As I was coming out of my depression and working on some things in therapy it became clear to me how difficult it was for me emotionally to keep my depression from people. It takes soooooo much energy to pretend like everything is okay when I'm falling apart inside. Not only that, but it was like I was living a lie. Because... I was. I didn't want to do it anymore. So I started telling people. Not random strangers on the street or anything, but people who were close to me. My wife already knew, but my parents did not. Many of my friends didn't know either. So when the opportunity arose, I started telling people. I told my parents, my brother and his wife, many of my co-workers, and a lot of friends. I also had a conversation with each of my sons about it, who were then 9 and 12. The conversations were really good and each of them asked me questions and tried to understand. They were a little concerned and didn't understand, but they each seemed glad that I told them about it. <br />
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Through that process an amazing thing happened. Pretty much everyone I told responded sympathetically. Some would tell me about their struggles, or those of a family member or close friend. I realized in those instances that my talking about it gave them permission to share their own experiences. Obviously many people don't understand it entirely and didn't necessarily know how to respond. But that's not the important part. The important part was the weight that was lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't have to pretend anymore. Even though not everyone knew, there were multiple people in all parts of my life who knew about it. I still had the same issues, except now I didn't feel so alone with them or like I had to work so hard to put up a false front. <br />
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A lot has happened in the last several years, but I'll save that for next time. At this point in my life I feel very strongly about the fact that a mental illness is just like any other illness and there should be no shame or stigma attached to it. I still struggle at times and I've been in therapy with the same therapist for just over a year now. I have a long ways to go, but I'm getting there.<br />
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I've learned over the last several years how common suicide is, and how it would be so much easier to prevent if people were able to get help and not feel the stigma attached to their illness. I want mental illness to be seen in the same light as diabetes or any other illness. I want people to be able to talk about it. So part of my process in trying to bring this about is to live in the light with my illness. I know it will be helpful to me to share my struggles, my successes, my fears, and my hopes. I am also hopeful that my writing will give others hope and let them know they are not alone. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07634378217528444768noreply@blogger.com8