Friday, July 25, 2014


I decided tonight to post a link to this blog on Facebook for all to see.  I was terrified to take this step.  It felt like a really big one. Each time I have taken a step like this over the last couple of years it has felt like stepping off of a cliff.  Tonight was no different, and I needed a bit of encouragement from Amy (my wife) to hit that post button.  As the "likes" and kind comments poured in the fear turned quickly to peace and excitement.  I have gotten so many kind and supportive comments.  I really appreciate you all for your generous words and thoughts, it means so much to me.

It's hard for me to put into words what it means to be completely out in the open about my depression.  For years and years I have felt like I need to keep my depression a secret.  I know now I did that because I thought of it as a character flaw, that there was something wrong with me and it was shameful.  I have been seeing the same therapist now for a little over a year.  At the beginning of my time with her she was constantly telling me, "there's nothing wrong with you".  She still does sometimes.  That negative message is very deeply ingrained in me.  I know that there is nothing wrong with me now in my head, and more and more I'm beginning to feel that as well.  It's a slow process for sure....

It's the next morning now and I'm still feeling excited about all the positive feedback.  Just like in 2011 when I began this "coming out" process the weight on my shoulders is even lighter.  One thing about my depression is that it tells me all kinds of lies.  It has told me, and continues at times to tell me, that people don't like me, nobody would understand, I'm a burden to those in my life, etc...  It's that whole secret thing.  Sure, people are always nice to me and like me and such... But if they really knew the truth that would all change.  Well, here I've told anyone willing to read this the truth and yet you are still here.  You don't think less of me.  In fact, it seems to be just the opposite!  Wow indeed!

1 comment:

  1. Hey Danny - My heart goes out to you for your inner struggle, and I'm glad that the support of your family and friends has helped alleviate your fears about making it more public. Most people with severe depression are not brave enough to bring it completely into the light, so all the folks that love them never get the chance to help support them as much as they would want to do so. But you are brave enough to give us that precious chance to share in your struggles, to be supportive as much as we can, so perhaps from now on, you won't feel so alone. And you are also giving the rest of us with chronic mental illnesses that same precious gift of a community of support through facebook and this blog. I have a panic disorder and depression, and I totally view them as chronic illnesses, as everyone should (not that they all do). It was easier for me because at first, the doctors thought it might have been triggered by a chemical change in my brain due to the side effects of a prescription drug I was taking for something else. That still might be the case, but I have come to realize the mind-body connection and all the stress in my life that has to be contributing as well. It sounds like you have made it past your own stigma about yourself, though, realizing these aren't character flaws, and "there is nothing wrong with you" as a person. I see this as HUUUUGGGGGEEE progress for you and THE key to a positive future for the rest of your life, so I am so happy for you. I would take it further, though, and say not only is there nothing wrong with you as a person, but you have one of the most beautiful souls ever to grace the planet, I love who you are, and I love you so much. Ben