Staying Afloat

I haven't been able to write for several weeks now.  I'm not really sure why, but I have a few theories.  First, ever since I shared my story of living with depression publicly at church about a month ago I just am not sure what to talk about.  That was such an intense experience that maybe I just felt like I needed to crawl back in my shell for a bit?  Another possible theory is the "my life is crazy" theory.  This has been a really tough last several months for me.  Both of my sons are having difficult years in school (10th and 7th grade) and the tension and conflict in the house is really creating a lot of stress.  On top of this we got a new dog, a one year old bulldog, right around the time school started.  She is having a harder time of settling in than we had hoped, and it really feels similar to having a toddler back in the house.  She chews things and we need to watch her most of the time.  The combination of these two things has me so busy and stressed I don't often have time to slow down and reflect.

Whatever the reason, I don't like it.  I miss writing, I miss publishing things, and I miss the cathartic experience of putting things on "paper" and sharing it with the world.  When life is stressful I need that release that writing brings me even more.  So here I am, trying again to write.  Seeing what may come.  I'm guessing this won't be one of my better posts, and it will likely reflect where my mind is right now.  Scattered. 

These last several weeks have been particularly challenging.  Truthfully, we are at the point of not being sure if we will be able to keep our new dog.  This is a really difficult decision to make because our youngest son has become really attached to her and we worry about the effect giving her up would have on him.  We have a trainer we have worked with before, and are going to give that a shot before making any decisions.  Part of this is that she requires so much attention and energy, and our boys haven't been as helpful as we had hoped.  They are struggling to keep up with their workload in school as it is.

So in this time the question I am often asked by my therapist is, "What can you do to take care of yourself?"  Well... I suppose that's an area where I'm a bit of a mixed bag right now.  On the one hand, I'm going to yoga once or twice a week.  I really love yoga and it clears my head and gives me a fresh perspective most of the time.  On the other hand, I find myself turning to alcohol a bit more frequently after a stressful day.  Not an excessive amount, but it likely makes me more worn out in the long run.  I think my biggest barrier to self-care though is just being hard on myself.  Expecting myself to be perfect, getting down on myself for not always reacting in the best way when things get tough with my sons.  Life is just hard sometimes, and now is one of those times.  This is always a difficult time of year with the days getting shorter, the long stretch of school from August to November without many breaks, and just getting worn down.  I need to remind myself that I don't have to be perfect.  I need to remember all of the good things that I do, and not dwell on my struggles but learn from them. I need to keep writing, connecting, and reaching out when I feel overwhelmed and disconnected.  I'm starting to do those things a bit more this last week, and I can feel the difference.

So despite the fact that my household feels much like a battle zone these days, I am hanging in there.  I am doing my very best to be a good parent, husband, teacher, and person while still working to take care of myself.  I'm certainly not doing it perfectly, but that isn't my goal anyway.  Doing my best, being transparent about what is happening, and living with the results is what I'm striving for. 

A Bump in the Road

It's hard for me to say I'm not doing okay.  But that's where I was much of today.  My depression and anxiety are lying to me.  I don't believe them, but it's still been a hard day.  I've been having negative thoughts about myself, overreacting to things, and I just wanted to hide in a corner somewhere.  And truthfully, sometimes in these moments hiding in a corner for a while is the best thing I can do.

I was already feeling a bit off when I woke up this morning, it seems it's been building up for a week or so with the stress and just feeling not quite right.  Being overly busy, which I have been for over a month, can trigger a mood like this.  Especially once I have a bit of down time like I have had this weekend.  Today at church was youth Sunday, which meant both of my sons would be participating in the service in one way or another.  One was leading the prayer and the other was playing his electric bass with the band and reading scripture.  It "should" have been a happy and proud moment for me, but when I'm feeling bad it doesn't really matter what's happening on the outside.  I am proud of my sons and they did a great job, but my actual experience at church was mostly one of self-judgment and social anxiety.

One of my sons was also having a difficult time before church and I didn't handle it very well at all.  I was reactive instead of trying to be understanding.  I felt the wrath of his anger for that one, which sent me a bit deeper.  During church I was thinking a lot about what a bad father I was, though my thoughts attacked me in other ways as well.   I know I'm not a bad father, but those thoughts are very real and powerful.  There were moments throughout the service, which I can objectively say was beautifully done, where I escaped the fog and enjoyed it.  The music was great and the teen who gave the sermon was inspiring.  But the negative thoughts kept coming back and after the service they kicked back in completely.  I've learned that, at these moments, it is best for me to just get away.  Of course, this isn't always an option.  So I stuck it out and then headed home once I was able..

Now that I'm home and some time has passed I can already look at the experience with a little bit of perspective.  It is very hard to be out in public and interact when I'm not thinking straight.  Battling negative thoughts and feelings while I'm surrounded by people connecting with each other is hard.  So is having conversations with people while my head is filled with negativity and heaviness.  One thing I've improved on in these moments is being less judgmental of myself.  I had the awareness today, even in the moment, that the thoughts aren't reality and they will pass.  I was able to get myself home and start getting myself back together.  I took a nap, went to yoga, and tonight I'm feeling a little bit better.

I still don't fully understand my depression and anxiety.  It has a mind of its own, comes and goes when it pleases, and I can't always predict when and where it will emerge.  Today was definitely a ride it out day.  I went through the motions, I did the tiring work of challenging my negative thoughts, and I made it through the day.  I don't like it, but it's part of living with depression.  Oddly enough, I'd call it a successful day.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.