I still vividly remember walking out of a water park with my two sons one year ago today, checking my phone, and learning that Robin Williams had taken his life. I couldn't comprehend it, I wanted to believe it wasn't true. It couldn't be true. But it was, and it haunted me for several weeks. It is still very sad to me now. It's still hard for me to watch his movies or TV shows. It is sad because he touched my life and the lives of millions. It is sad because he did so much good in the world, and it seemed he still had so much to give. The same can be said of every one of the 40,000 people who choose to take their lives each year. They all still had more to give, but the pain and suffering just became too much.
Most, if not all, who take their lives do not have the fame, fortune, and reach of Robin Williams. However, each of these people have parents, siblings, friends and loved ones left behind. I have never experienced the loss of someone that close to me to suicide, but I know that those who do are scarred for life. They experience extreme guilt, sadness, and regret. And I'm sure much more. While there is likely healing over time, I'm told by those who have experienced this type of loss that the pain is always there.
Perhaps the one truth that stands out to me as I reflect on this day is the intense power of depression. Robin Williams had everything. He had fame, money, family, adoration, and an incredible amount of talent. It was still no match for the depression and despair he must have felt that led him to take his own life. Mental illness does not discriminate, it is an equal opportunity illness. We are all vulnerable.
It is often said that you have to be strong to fight mental illness. And I think that's true. I know my experiences have strengthened and challenged me. However, for me it is equally, if not more, important to acknowledge my weakness in my fight against depression and anxiety. I am extremely fortunate that the medication I take really controls my symptoms, and that the work I have done in life has healed many of the emotional scars I developed from growing up with this illness. I have not experienced a major episode of depression in nearly 4 years. At some points, my head even tries to trick me into believing it is gone altogether. It's not.
However, I have a consistent awareness that I still have the illness. I know it can strike at any moment, and that it is more powerful than I am. When I have symptoms, negative thoughts, or signals I have learned can lead to an episode I don't try to "fight" them off. Suppressing them or blaming myself only makes things worse. I listen to them. I let them be with the knowledge that they usually pass. I remind myself that it is the illness, and that there is nothing wrong with me. And when none of that works, or it becomes too hard, I get support. Through therapy, writing, talking to a friend, or sharing it in an online support group where I know I will be understood and affirmed. Thankfully this continues to work for me.
I'm mindful that it doesn't work for everyone. Not all people experience depression the same way, and not all depression responds to treatment. Some people can go to therapy, get support, eat well, exercise, take their medication, and still experience intense depression. It is not their fault. It's not because they are weak. They have an illness, as do I. And at times, as it was for Robin Williams, it is fatal.
Showing posts with label Mental Illness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mental Illness. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Bringing Mental Illness into the Light
Good morning. I want to thank Pastor Don for giving me the opportunity to speak to you today. About 2 months ago he approached me and asked me if I'd like to speak at church about my experiences living with depression and anxiety and the work I have been doing over the last couple of years to raise awareness and end the stigma surrounding mental illness. I have been open with Don and many others about my struggles and successes, and he thought it would be a good message to share with all of you. I was very reluctant, mostly because I don't much like public speaking and the idea made me really nervous. Especially given the topic. Today I will be speaking openly with you about things I worked very hard for many years to keep secret,. Things I was once ashamed of. I have learned, though, over the last several years that living with depression is nothing to be ashamed of. It is an illness, a medical issue, just like diabetes and cancer.
However, many people don't see it this way. Some think of those of us who suffer as weak, or believe our mental illnesses are character flaws. Still others don't even believe mental illnesses exist. These stereotypes are the result of stigma. Stigma is a mark of disgrace which sets a person apart from others. Stigma is a very large part of living with a mental illness, and some, such as bipolar disorder and schizophrenia carry an even greater stigma than others.. I avoided facing stigma for the most part because I kept my depression and anxiety from other people. However, self stigma has really affected me a great deal. I have learned recently that my greatest issue with stigma is the stigma I hold towards my own illness. This is a work in progress, but it is coming along.
It is because of this stigma that over the years I have chosen to fight my depression like many people do, in secrecy. I chose this because I didn't really think there were any other options. You don't just go around telling people you have depression. Well, at least that's what I thought then. Obviously I've had a change of heart, I have been in and out of therapy and on and off medication since around the age of 20. It has been very helpful and has definitely changed my life for the better. I don't see mental illness as just black and white. There are different levels of the illness, and also two people with the same diagnosis can present very differently. I'm fortunate in that my depression responds well to medication, when I am on medication my symptoms are greatly reduced. However, because I didn't want to see myself as someone with a mental illness I always chose to go off of my medication once I started feeling better. Inevitably, the symptoms would return.
In the summer of 2011 I was again not on any medication. I had gone off several months before, with my doctor's help, because I hadn't had any symptoms of depression for several months. Near the end of the summer I slipped into one of the worst episodes of depression I have ever had. It really just hit me out of the blue, and it hit me hard. Things were going fine. I was getting ready to go back to school and on the outside everything was pretty normal. But inside I was falling apart. When the depression gets really bad I feel like an entirely different person. I don't feel like myself anymore. There's no joy or smiling. I wasn't sleeping normally, I wasn't functioning very well at work, it was hard to concentrate, and I felt hopeless. Depression is an illness of the brain and it makes my thinking really negative. I can remember getting home from work, which I was barely able to get through during that period, and just crying for long periods of time for no apparent reason. Depression tells me lies about myself and my life. Intrusive thoughts are negative thoughts that you cannot control. This was what was happening with me. I remember so clearly I had the absolute belief that everyone in the world would be better off if I wasn't here. I didn't ever attempt suicide, I didn't have a plan, but I was absolutely convinced that life would be better for everyone else if I were gone. In those moments I didn't want to be alive. It was a terribly scary thing to experience, and I really didn't know if I was going to make it through. There was a sense of losing control. I didn't know from one moment to the next how I would feel.
So at this point in my life I did what I had done several times before. I made an appointment with my doctor to get back on medication and went back to my therapist. This was definitely the scariest episode of depression I had ever been through, and I was very afraid. Slowly I began to come out of the depression, and at that point something began to shift in me. I became extremely aware of how difficult it was for me to keep my depression to myself. I didn't want to live in the darkness alone anymore, I was done hiding it, so slowly I began telling the people in my life. The conversations were scary and difficult at first. I still feared what people would think. But with each conversation it got easier and more importantly it was a huge weight off of my shoulders.
Around this time I became involved in something that would impact me even more. In the summer of 2012 I participated in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk in San Francisco with three friends. It is an 18 mile walk from sunset to sunrise that raises money for suicide prevention. There were about 2,000 of us walking that night. Most walk because they have lost someone to suicide, while others of us walk because of our own experiences of living with mental illnesses. One of the most empowering parts of the experience was the wearing of the honor beads. There are different colors of necklaces that represent different connections to the cause. The green necklace of honor beads I wore that night signified that I had personally struggled with a mental illness. While it made me feel rather vulnerable at first, I quickly realized I was surrounded by people that understood, that didn't judge me, and whose lives had also been touched by mental illness. It was a community full of love, tears, acceptance, and healing.
This walk had such an impact on me that I decided to do it again this last summer in Seattle. There were many aspects of the walk in Seattle this year that affected me, but one short conversation I had right as I arrived was the most memorable. When you arrive you have to fill out some medical paperwork as part of checking in. The woman who was helping me was very friendly and gracious.. She thanked me multiple times for walking, and we were just having a pleasant conversation. I asked her if she was also going to be walking, and she said she wasn't ready yet because she had just lost her son to suicide 8 months before. It's not everyday a stranger tells you upon meeting you the most painful thing that has ever happened in their life. This woman, who I have managed to stay in touch with thanks to social media, had her life turned upside down by this illness. Her son was 17 at the time and had just been diagnosed with depression a few days before he took his life. At that point they tried to get him into an inpatient program immediately for his own safety as she believed he was at risk. However, the insurance required an intake process, so they had to wait 4 days. Three hours before that appointment he took his life. The fact that had the insurance company not delayed treatment he likely would have lived only makes this more difficult for her and her family. And yet, she is already using her experience to help others by advocating for treatment and awareness of mental illness. She, and so many others I met at the walk, are using their suffering to bring healing and hope to others. I knew that was something I wanted for myself as well. This is indeed an epidemic, with millions of Americans suffering from mental illness and nearly 40,000 each year taking their lives.
This experience lit a fire under me. It has been just over three months since I walked in Seattle, and I have been busy with my work as an advocate. I have started a private Facebook page, which now has about 60 people involved, for anyone who has been affected by mental illness. This group has been a place of healing for me as well as others. Connecting with others who understand has been an essential part of my healing. Creating this safe space to really talk about our daily struggles and receive support is so powerful. A big part of being able to hold off episodes of depression is having people to talk to.
Shortly after this I decided I was going to start a blog to write about my life with depression. I was very scared about this step, because I knew I was opening doors that could not be closed. This would be public, anyone could read it. Coworkers, friends, family, parents of my students, anyone! People in all of these groups have now read it, and it's okay. There have been so many people who have come out in support of me. Many have shared their struggles with me thanked me for opening up the conversation. I feel that for people that have been affected, which is so many of us, there is a need to talk about these things but not always a place to do it. By sharing my experiences, I realize now I have given others permission to do the same.
So now I am completely out in the open about the fact that I have depression and anxiety. It is one of the most freeing and healing things I have ever done. I have finally come to believe that there is no shame in having depression. I am ready to use my struggles to help others and let them know they are not alone. But it's still there. I still live with my depression and anxiety and take steps each day to keep it at bay. I go to therapy every week, I have support groups and people to talk to and connect with, and if things get rough I have a lot of tools and people to help me through. I've accepted that this is something I will live with and have to work on for the rest of my life, but the difference between now and where I was even last year is that I know now there is nothing wrong with me as a person and that I'm not alone.
In the scripture reading this morning it talked about our weaknesses making us stronger. "The weaker I become the stronger I get". That has certainly been my experience these last several years. The more I acknowledge my struggles, share my vulnerability, and let people know what I really experience the stronger I feel. I don't know what lies in store for me, but I am committed to using my experiences to help others. And for this, I am extremely grateful.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Coming back out of my Shell
I haven't posted anything for a while, probably about a month. I feel like I've lost my voice and confidence in writing. I could say it's been about being busy, and while I have been, I've also been avoiding my blog. As a matter of fact, I've been questioning whether I would just quit doing my blog altogether. I'm not going to. Something happened in the last week that has reminded me a bit about why I write. So here I am, writing again.
I was having a conversation with a friend and they brought up the topic of my blog. They thanked me for writing and told me they had some mental health struggles of their own that they are starting to get help with, but they are not ready to be open about it. They also told me that when they read what I write it's like I am inside their head writing their thoughts. I really needed to hear that. I know it's important to feel good about myself without the affirmation of others, but sometimes I just really need to hear that what I'm doing is helpful. It's hard to write things and not get any feedback, not know if anyone is reading it or getting anything out of it.
This helped me remember one of the main reasons I write, and that is to let others know they are not alone. Being out in the open now it's easy to forget how isolating it can be to suffer alone. Heck, it's unbearably painful at times living openly. And I guess that is my point. In this conversation I had with my friend they mentioned several times that they didn't want to tell people because of the judgment they would face. Battling any mental health issues is hard work, and adding the need to keep it from people can be so isolating and painful. So even if people don't come out in the open, just knowing someone can relate and understands can make a big difference. I know it does for me, and if my blog can do that for others than it is worth it.
But I don't only write for others, I also write for myself. Living with depression and anxiety means that it's easy for me to want to crawl back in my shell when things get difficult. It's easy to lose my confidence and not want to keep putting myself out there. That's where I've been for a bit. Putting things out to the world helps take the shame away from me, and helps me feel more connected.
In the spirit of putting things out there, I will share two things with you. I'll start with a challenge and finish with some exciting news. Today I'm feeling horrible. Tomorrow the family goes back to work and school, and the dread is weighing on me today. This has been a challenging year for both of my kids, and the weekly routine and homework battles have been much more stressful than normal. While I love my job and have an amazing class of 4th graders this year, there is increased stress there as well with massive changes and a lack of leadership and support from the district I work for. I know I'll be fine once I get going on the routine, but for today it's dread and a complete lack of energy to do anything.
Despite my current mood, I also have good news as well. I submitted an application yesterday to be part of a speakers bureau for Stop Stigma Sacramento. I am not familiar with how it all works exactly, but I know that members of the speakers bureau share their stories at schools, businesses and other places in order to erase the stigma surrounding mental illness. I'm terrified of this, but I know my fear will not decrease until I just do it. So I will. I'm not sure how quickly it will come together, but I'm excited to have taken that first step of submitting my application. In the meantime, I'll continue to remember and trust that I can do this. Not only that, but I know it will open new doors for me and help me grow and heal.
I was having a conversation with a friend and they brought up the topic of my blog. They thanked me for writing and told me they had some mental health struggles of their own that they are starting to get help with, but they are not ready to be open about it. They also told me that when they read what I write it's like I am inside their head writing their thoughts. I really needed to hear that. I know it's important to feel good about myself without the affirmation of others, but sometimes I just really need to hear that what I'm doing is helpful. It's hard to write things and not get any feedback, not know if anyone is reading it or getting anything out of it.
This helped me remember one of the main reasons I write, and that is to let others know they are not alone. Being out in the open now it's easy to forget how isolating it can be to suffer alone. Heck, it's unbearably painful at times living openly. And I guess that is my point. In this conversation I had with my friend they mentioned several times that they didn't want to tell people because of the judgment they would face. Battling any mental health issues is hard work, and adding the need to keep it from people can be so isolating and painful. So even if people don't come out in the open, just knowing someone can relate and understands can make a big difference. I know it does for me, and if my blog can do that for others than it is worth it.
But I don't only write for others, I also write for myself. Living with depression and anxiety means that it's easy for me to want to crawl back in my shell when things get difficult. It's easy to lose my confidence and not want to keep putting myself out there. That's where I've been for a bit. Putting things out to the world helps take the shame away from me, and helps me feel more connected.
In the spirit of putting things out there, I will share two things with you. I'll start with a challenge and finish with some exciting news. Today I'm feeling horrible. Tomorrow the family goes back to work and school, and the dread is weighing on me today. This has been a challenging year for both of my kids, and the weekly routine and homework battles have been much more stressful than normal. While I love my job and have an amazing class of 4th graders this year, there is increased stress there as well with massive changes and a lack of leadership and support from the district I work for. I know I'll be fine once I get going on the routine, but for today it's dread and a complete lack of energy to do anything.
Despite my current mood, I also have good news as well. I submitted an application yesterday to be part of a speakers bureau for Stop Stigma Sacramento. I am not familiar with how it all works exactly, but I know that members of the speakers bureau share their stories at schools, businesses and other places in order to erase the stigma surrounding mental illness. I'm terrified of this, but I know my fear will not decrease until I just do it. So I will. I'm not sure how quickly it will come together, but I'm excited to have taken that first step of submitting my application. In the meantime, I'll continue to remember and trust that I can do this. Not only that, but I know it will open new doors for me and help me grow and heal.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
There's no shame in having a mental illness
Sunday was not the end of my journey, but it was certainly a momentous step on my road to recovery and self-acceptance. I spoke at church about my life with depression, I was the guest speaker in place of the sermon. I was honest and open about what it's like to live with depression, the stigma, and how much work needs to be done to raise awareness. I have long envisioned my journey as a path from self-hatred to self-love and acceptance. I'm not there and will continue this journey throughout my life, but I can see how far I've come.
In my teens and early twenties I was filled with shame. It encompassed every aspect of my life and completely clouded the way I viewed myself. It affected all of my relationships. At my core I felt there was something wrong with me. I knew I wanted to be authentic and be myself, but I saw myself as shameful and unlovable so I felt the need to pretend to be something I wasn't. I hid my real feelings from the rest of the world. Despite going through a lot of therapy and really getting myself to a better place, I basically lived this way until about 3 years ago. That's when I began the process of "coming out" following my worst and scariest episode of depression. Sharing my story in public was in many ways the culmination of that process. By speaking at church I did something I've been wanting to do at some level for the last 25 years.
I told the truth. I got up in front of about 150-200 people at church and for 15 minutes I told them the truth about my experience of living with depression and anxiety. It seems like such a simple concept. But when it comes to depression and anxiety, telling the truth publicly is not easy or common. How freeing it was to be able to just get up in front of people and speak honestly about my experience with having a mental illness. As I spoke I could see that many people in the pews were crying a bit. My wife and kids were there, my parents, some of my closest friends, and a number of people who I have known for about 20 years who didn't know this about me. I shared a lot of details, but my basic message is that I have a mental illness, I lived in the darkness with it for nearly 25 years due to shame, and now I live in the open with it and have become a mental health advocate. All the different work I have done over the years led me to a point where I was comfortable enough to speak about it publicly. When I was finished people clapped, and we are not a church where clapping really happens. They clapped for a long time. I was so humbled by this, I never thought this day would come and then to have such a positive response was wonderful!
It was clear that sharing my story had an effect on people. I had a lot of people come up to me after the service to talk to me or just offer a supportive hug. Some "came out" to me, others asked how they go about getting help, many shared about their family members who have suffered or still do suffer. I realized yet again that we are all affected by mental illness, either directly or indirectly. People may not accept it or talk about it, but it's there. It seems to be everywhere.
I have only begun to process what all of this means to me. I do know I really liked it and would welcome other opportunities to share my story publicly. I think my biggest takeaway so far is the power of simply talking about mental illness honestly. People have been telling me since I started blogging and being open about depression that I am brave and courageous. I don't know about that, but the fact that they think I am courageous brings light to the level of taboo and stigma that still surrounds this topic. So many, and often with good reason, suffer in shame and isolation. People are still told by parents, partners, and friends to "just get over it" or "stop feeling sorry for yourself". I know this because some have confided this in me over the last several months. This makes me so sad. We need to talk about it, and people need to understand that it is an illness. It actually is a matter of life and death Mental illness is not a sign of weakness, it's not a character flaw, and it's not your fault if you are suffering! I have hope that change is happening. There are many of us coming out in the open and letting the world know there is no shame in having a mental illness. I finally know I am not alone, and that's a feeling I want everyone who suffers from a mental illness to be able to experience!
In my teens and early twenties I was filled with shame. It encompassed every aspect of my life and completely clouded the way I viewed myself. It affected all of my relationships. At my core I felt there was something wrong with me. I knew I wanted to be authentic and be myself, but I saw myself as shameful and unlovable so I felt the need to pretend to be something I wasn't. I hid my real feelings from the rest of the world. Despite going through a lot of therapy and really getting myself to a better place, I basically lived this way until about 3 years ago. That's when I began the process of "coming out" following my worst and scariest episode of depression. Sharing my story in public was in many ways the culmination of that process. By speaking at church I did something I've been wanting to do at some level for the last 25 years.
I told the truth. I got up in front of about 150-200 people at church and for 15 minutes I told them the truth about my experience of living with depression and anxiety. It seems like such a simple concept. But when it comes to depression and anxiety, telling the truth publicly is not easy or common. How freeing it was to be able to just get up in front of people and speak honestly about my experience with having a mental illness. As I spoke I could see that many people in the pews were crying a bit. My wife and kids were there, my parents, some of my closest friends, and a number of people who I have known for about 20 years who didn't know this about me. I shared a lot of details, but my basic message is that I have a mental illness, I lived in the darkness with it for nearly 25 years due to shame, and now I live in the open with it and have become a mental health advocate. All the different work I have done over the years led me to a point where I was comfortable enough to speak about it publicly. When I was finished people clapped, and we are not a church where clapping really happens. They clapped for a long time. I was so humbled by this, I never thought this day would come and then to have such a positive response was wonderful!
It was clear that sharing my story had an effect on people. I had a lot of people come up to me after the service to talk to me or just offer a supportive hug. Some "came out" to me, others asked how they go about getting help, many shared about their family members who have suffered or still do suffer. I realized yet again that we are all affected by mental illness, either directly or indirectly. People may not accept it or talk about it, but it's there. It seems to be everywhere.
I have only begun to process what all of this means to me. I do know I really liked it and would welcome other opportunities to share my story publicly. I think my biggest takeaway so far is the power of simply talking about mental illness honestly. People have been telling me since I started blogging and being open about depression that I am brave and courageous. I don't know about that, but the fact that they think I am courageous brings light to the level of taboo and stigma that still surrounds this topic. So many, and often with good reason, suffer in shame and isolation. People are still told by parents, partners, and friends to "just get over it" or "stop feeling sorry for yourself". I know this because some have confided this in me over the last several months. This makes me so sad. We need to talk about it, and people need to understand that it is an illness. It actually is a matter of life and death Mental illness is not a sign of weakness, it's not a character flaw, and it's not your fault if you are suffering! I have hope that change is happening. There are many of us coming out in the open and letting the world know there is no shame in having a mental illness. I finally know I am not alone, and that's a feeling I want everyone who suffers from a mental illness to be able to experience!
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Ready or Not....
I want to be a mental health advocate. I have come to accept my own depression and I want to let people know that there is nothing wrong with having depression or any other mental illness. I know this work can save lives and help me grow as well. I'm done living in the dark and pretending like this doesn't exist.
But at the same time, it's not like I make my statement and I'm done. These steps are opening doors that I'm not sure I'm ready to walk through. I have issues with anxiety, I think and worry about things. Change scares me, putting myself out there scares me, and taking risks in general scares me.
The most recent door that has opened for me is an opportunity to share my story in public. My pastor is aware of the process I've been going through with coming out in the open and working to raise awareness and understanding of mental illness. This week he asked me if I would be willing to share my story with the congregation in church. I was thinking he meant giving a 2-3 minute testimony near the beginning of the service. But in fact what he meant is my speaking would replace the sermon. Or rather, I guess my talk would BE the sermon.
As he brought this up to me in person earlier this week I told him I was interested. But inside I was thinking there is no way in hell I'm getting up in front of the whole congregation and sharing my story. Here's what was running through my mind. I can't do this. I don't know what to say. I'll freeze up, panic, shake, shut down, etc... Who would be there? What if _____ shows up? These are just some of the fears that immediately began racing through my head. And yet, I told him I'd think about it. I figured this was something that would happen down the line and I'd have plenty of time to hopefully warm up to the idea.
Then just a couple of days ago I received an email from him giving me an actual date, September 28th, that he would like me to speak in church. Again the fears started running wild and the anxiety started running through my body. My mind was racing. Public speaking in general scares me. I mean, I'm an elementary teacher and I speak in front of kids (and often parents who may be in the room) all the time. But this is different. This is new.
I often talk about my depression here, but anxiety is something I also have issues with. I've definitely been having some anxiety with this. Intrusive thoughts. Difficulty quieting my head enough to fall asleep. General nervousness. So part of the struggle with both depression and anxiety isn't just the depression and anxiety, it's the negative thinking and self judgment that go with it. So I'm working on that with this whole opportunity to speak in church and share my story. What if it's just scary and anxiety producing because it's new to me? There are plenty of things that used to scare me terribly that I do now regularly with little or no fear. Maybe with practice speaking in public about my depression can be the same.
I'm going to do it. I'm going to share my story for whoever shows up at church on September 28th. For years I have let fear rule me. As a teen and young adult my fear and anxiety played a role in nearly every decision I made. Since starting therapy nearly 25 years ago it's become a process of learning to live out of love instead of fear. It's an extremely slow process... So despite the fact that I am really scared and full of self-doubt at the moment I'm doing this.
There's also something else I sense within me. Excitement! Behind and mixed in with all the fear and doubt I'm currently experiencing is excitement. I'm not excited about the actual act of getting up there and speaking, but I'm excited about the effect it may have on me as well as others. I'm excited about a chance to touch other people's lives. Somewhere inside me hidden amongst this fear I know the message I have to share is powerful and that speaking up about mental illness can change and save lives. This is an amazing opportunity, and I'm not going to let my fear keep me from it this time.
But at the same time, it's not like I make my statement and I'm done. These steps are opening doors that I'm not sure I'm ready to walk through. I have issues with anxiety, I think and worry about things. Change scares me, putting myself out there scares me, and taking risks in general scares me.
The most recent door that has opened for me is an opportunity to share my story in public. My pastor is aware of the process I've been going through with coming out in the open and working to raise awareness and understanding of mental illness. This week he asked me if I would be willing to share my story with the congregation in church. I was thinking he meant giving a 2-3 minute testimony near the beginning of the service. But in fact what he meant is my speaking would replace the sermon. Or rather, I guess my talk would BE the sermon.
As he brought this up to me in person earlier this week I told him I was interested. But inside I was thinking there is no way in hell I'm getting up in front of the whole congregation and sharing my story. Here's what was running through my mind. I can't do this. I don't know what to say. I'll freeze up, panic, shake, shut down, etc... Who would be there? What if _____ shows up? These are just some of the fears that immediately began racing through my head. And yet, I told him I'd think about it. I figured this was something that would happen down the line and I'd have plenty of time to hopefully warm up to the idea.
Then just a couple of days ago I received an email from him giving me an actual date, September 28th, that he would like me to speak in church. Again the fears started running wild and the anxiety started running through my body. My mind was racing. Public speaking in general scares me. I mean, I'm an elementary teacher and I speak in front of kids (and often parents who may be in the room) all the time. But this is different. This is new.
I often talk about my depression here, but anxiety is something I also have issues with. I've definitely been having some anxiety with this. Intrusive thoughts. Difficulty quieting my head enough to fall asleep. General nervousness. So part of the struggle with both depression and anxiety isn't just the depression and anxiety, it's the negative thinking and self judgment that go with it. So I'm working on that with this whole opportunity to speak in church and share my story. What if it's just scary and anxiety producing because it's new to me? There are plenty of things that used to scare me terribly that I do now regularly with little or no fear. Maybe with practice speaking in public about my depression can be the same.
I'm going to do it. I'm going to share my story for whoever shows up at church on September 28th. For years I have let fear rule me. As a teen and young adult my fear and anxiety played a role in nearly every decision I made. Since starting therapy nearly 25 years ago it's become a process of learning to live out of love instead of fear. It's an extremely slow process... So despite the fact that I am really scared and full of self-doubt at the moment I'm doing this.
There's also something else I sense within me. Excitement! Behind and mixed in with all the fear and doubt I'm currently experiencing is excitement. I'm not excited about the actual act of getting up there and speaking, but I'm excited about the effect it may have on me as well as others. I'm excited about a chance to touch other people's lives. Somewhere inside me hidden amongst this fear I know the message I have to share is powerful and that speaking up about mental illness can change and save lives. This is an amazing opportunity, and I'm not going to let my fear keep me from it this time.
Monday, July 28, 2014
My Hope
In 2012 and then again this year I participated in something called the out of the darkness overnight walk. It's a 16-18 mile walk put on by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention that begins shortly before sunset and ends with a closing ceremony as the sun rises. Each time it has been an empowering and healing experience for me. All that I'm doing now; starting the page on facebook, starting this blog, coming out in the open about my depression, would not be happening if I had not done each of these walks.
We walk to raise money and awareness for suicide prevention. The money goes to research and programs aimed at raising awareness and opportunities to seek help. Most of the people who walk do so because they have lost someone they love to suicide. Some, like me, walk because they have suffered from mental illness and we want to raise awareness and be a part of the healing that happens there. It's a place where talking about mental illness and suicide is completely acceptable. Despite all the sadness and pain that is very present, the event is filled with a sense of hope and love that is beyond what I can put into words.
When you arrive at the walk you get to choose different colors of bead necklaces to wear based on why you walk. When I see people wearing a white bead necklace, I knew that they had lost a child to suicide. When people saw me wearing my green bead necklace, they knew that I have struggled personally with mental illness. There are 8 different colors of beads that represent different reasons for walking. It's a brilliant idea and so empowering for me to be able to wear those beads. It's very comforting to be in that space surrounded by people who understand..
So now I've done that walk twice, and what I'm trying to do is bring that same sense of acceptance and love that I feel there into my daily life. How amazing would it be if people could speak freely, without shame, about their emotional struggles? How many lives would be saved if people were educated about the warning signs and were able to seek treatment? That is my hope, and I will work to live my life in this way. I read a statistic today that only 1 in 5 people with mental health issues are currently receiving treatment for it. That makes me so sad, but I understand some of the reasons why. Many people don't even realize they have a problem that could be treated and many don't have access to help. But I think a lot of it has to do with the stigma.
I have been working on myself through therapy and support groups since around 1990, and I've made a great deal of progress. There has definitely been a major shift in my work over the last three years since my last major episode of depression.. Most of this recent work has been about dealing with my own stigma of my depression. I was ashamed of it, I'm not feeling that as much anymore. For years I felt it was a weakness, and I felt that it was my fault that I couldn't just overcome it. I know better now. I work now to embrace and accept my illness. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments where the darkness takes over and the negative thoughts and feelings dominate me. These times are very difficult and hard to endure. Thankfully there haven't been many of them lately. However, even in those moments now I have the sense that they will pass and I have a lot more tools for riding it out and getting back to a better space.
I have been reading a number of other blogs about people's experience with mental illness and I found a quote I really liked on one. His motto was, "enjoy the good and ride out the bad". It definitely has meaning for my experiences with depression. To me that means when things aren't good I don't need to try and force my way out of it or fight it. I just need to accept it and ride it out, It will pass, it always does... As for now, I'm in one of those good phases and I'm going to enjoy it. Well, both my sons are up now so I think I'll talk to them and figure out what we will do with our day....
We walk to raise money and awareness for suicide prevention. The money goes to research and programs aimed at raising awareness and opportunities to seek help. Most of the people who walk do so because they have lost someone they love to suicide. Some, like me, walk because they have suffered from mental illness and we want to raise awareness and be a part of the healing that happens there. It's a place where talking about mental illness and suicide is completely acceptable. Despite all the sadness and pain that is very present, the event is filled with a sense of hope and love that is beyond what I can put into words.
When you arrive at the walk you get to choose different colors of bead necklaces to wear based on why you walk. When I see people wearing a white bead necklace, I knew that they had lost a child to suicide. When people saw me wearing my green bead necklace, they knew that I have struggled personally with mental illness. There are 8 different colors of beads that represent different reasons for walking. It's a brilliant idea and so empowering for me to be able to wear those beads. It's very comforting to be in that space surrounded by people who understand..
So now I've done that walk twice, and what I'm trying to do is bring that same sense of acceptance and love that I feel there into my daily life. How amazing would it be if people could speak freely, without shame, about their emotional struggles? How many lives would be saved if people were educated about the warning signs and were able to seek treatment? That is my hope, and I will work to live my life in this way. I read a statistic today that only 1 in 5 people with mental health issues are currently receiving treatment for it. That makes me so sad, but I understand some of the reasons why. Many people don't even realize they have a problem that could be treated and many don't have access to help. But I think a lot of it has to do with the stigma.
I have been working on myself through therapy and support groups since around 1990, and I've made a great deal of progress. There has definitely been a major shift in my work over the last three years since my last major episode of depression.. Most of this recent work has been about dealing with my own stigma of my depression. I was ashamed of it, I'm not feeling that as much anymore. For years I felt it was a weakness, and I felt that it was my fault that I couldn't just overcome it. I know better now. I work now to embrace and accept my illness. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments where the darkness takes over and the negative thoughts and feelings dominate me. These times are very difficult and hard to endure. Thankfully there haven't been many of them lately. However, even in those moments now I have the sense that they will pass and I have a lot more tools for riding it out and getting back to a better space.
I have been reading a number of other blogs about people's experience with mental illness and I found a quote I really liked on one. His motto was, "enjoy the good and ride out the bad". It definitely has meaning for my experiences with depression. To me that means when things aren't good I don't need to try and force my way out of it or fight it. I just need to accept it and ride it out, It will pass, it always does... As for now, I'm in one of those good phases and I'm going to enjoy it. Well, both my sons are up now so I think I'll talk to them and figure out what we will do with our day....
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