I also have Social Anxiety

I have written a lot about my experience with depression, but I also suffer from various forms of anxiety including social anxiety.  Yesterday I attended a four hour training that will lead to my becoming a public speaker for Stop Stigma Sacramento.  I'd love to tell you it was a powerful experience and I felt so connected and empowered to be around other people who understand and experience mental illness. I was surrounded by people who understand, but I did not feel connected and empowered.  I participated, but it was difficult..  I actually left feeling a bit down and disconnected.

It often amazes me that even though I've lived with major depression and anxiety for over 25 years that I continue to grow and learn new things about my illnesses and how to manage them all the time.  Sometimes in social situations, and almost always when I am in a new situation, I feel very anxious.  My heart beats fast, I worry what others are thinking, and I can't fully relax.  I also tend to think that other people there don't like me and that I don't fit in.  This was all going on yesterday at the training.  I never really realized until recently that these symptoms are common for people with social anxiety and that I'm not the only one who experiences them.  


There is great power for me in knowing I'm not alone. And in simply acknowledging this experience exists for me.  In the past I would have tried to hide this and push away and hide the feelings, all the while berating myself for not being able to "be like everyone else".  But yesterday I just rolled with it for the most part.  It was still unpleasant at times, but I had the awareness that it was just a part of how I experience things and that it would pass.  I noticed the feelings and participated when I could.  I also allowed myself not to participate when I didn't feel up to it, and to just listen.  Most of the time without judgment.  That is huge progress for me.

Knowing all of this now it doesn't surprise me that I've historically avoided things that bring me anxiety.  I don't like making phone calls, returning items to a store, making small talk with strangers, and many other social situations.  It's a part of my anxiety, and it's not a reflection of who I am as a person.  There's nothing wrong with me, I have social anxiety.  Thankfully, between the hard work in therapy and my medication the symptoms are pretty manageable.  And once I'm comfortable somewhere, such as work, the anxiety does not interfere with my functioning much at all.  You would think that with all of this that I prefer to be alone, but that's not the case.  I'm an extremely social person and love connecting with others, it usually energizes me.   

Having said all that, I still wonder if it's a good idea for me to take on a volunteer position as a public speaker about very personal things as someone living with social anxiety.  This is sort of an experiment I guess.  I believe I can do it, but if for whatever reason it doesn't work out I will be okay with that.  I'm going to just take it one step at a time and allow myself to move very slowly and feel awkward and vulnerable.  I will be going the next two Fridays to "practice sessions" where I get to practice my speech and get feedback and help from the leader.  I'm excited, and I'm not going to let my social anxiety stop me from doing this important work. 

Bringing Mental Illness into the Light

Good morning.  I want to thank Pastor Don for giving me the opportunity to speak to you today.  About 2 months ago he approached me and asked me if I'd like to speak at church about my experiences living with depression and anxiety and the work I have been doing over the last couple of years to raise awareness and end the stigma surrounding mental illness.  I have been open with Don and many others about my struggles and successes, and he thought it would be a good message to share with all of you.  I was very reluctant, mostly because I don't much like public speaking and the idea made me really nervous.  Especially given the topic.  Today I will be speaking openly with you about things I worked very hard for many years to keep secret,.  Things I was once ashamed of.  I have learned, though, over the last several years that living with depression is nothing to be ashamed of.  It is an illness, a medical issue, just like diabetes and cancer. 

However, many people don't see it this way.  Some think of those of us who suffer as weak, or believe our mental illnesses are character flaws.  Still others don't even believe mental illnesses exist.  These stereotypes are the result of stigma.  Stigma is a mark of disgrace which sets a person apart from others.  Stigma is a very large part of living with a mental illness, and some, such as bipolar disorder and schizophrenia carry an even greater stigma than others.. I avoided facing stigma for the most part because I kept my depression and anxiety from other people.  However, self stigma has really affected me a great deal.  I have learned recently that my greatest issue with stigma is the stigma I hold towards my own illness.  This is a work in progress, but it is coming along.

It is because of this stigma that over the years I have chosen to fight my depression like many people do, in secrecy.  I chose this because I didn't really think there were any other options. You don't just go around telling people you have depression.  Well, at least that's what I thought then.  Obviously I've had a change of heart,  I have been in and out of therapy and on and off medication since around the age of 20.   It has been very helpful and has definitely changed my life for the better.  I don't see mental illness as just black and white.  There are different levels of the illness, and also two people with the same diagnosis can present very differently.  I'm fortunate in that my depression responds well to medication, when I am on medication my symptoms are greatly reduced.  However, because I didn't want to see myself as someone with a mental illness I always chose to go off of my medication once I started feeling better.  Inevitably, the symptoms would return.

In the summer of 2011 I was again not on any medication.  I had gone off several months before, with my doctor's help, because I hadn't had any symptoms of depression for several months.  Near the end of the summer I slipped into one of the worst episodes of depression I have ever had.  It really just hit me out of the blue, and it hit me hard.  Things were going fine.  I was getting ready to go back to school and on the outside everything was pretty normal.  But inside I was falling apart.  When the depression gets really bad I feel like an entirely different person.  I don't feel like myself anymore. There's no joy or smiling.  I wasn't sleeping normally, I wasn't functioning very well at work, it was hard to concentrate, and I felt hopeless.  Depression is an illness of the brain and it makes my thinking really negative.  I can remember getting home from work, which I was barely able to get through during that period, and just crying for long periods of time for no apparent reason.  Depression tells me lies about myself and my life.  Intrusive thoughts are negative thoughts that you cannot control.  This was what was happening with me. I remember so clearly I had the absolute belief that everyone in the world would be better off if I wasn't here.  I didn't ever attempt suicide, I didn't have a plan, but I was absolutely convinced that life would be better for everyone else if I were gone.  In those moments I didn't want to be alive.  It was a terribly scary thing to experience, and I really didn't know if I was going to make it through.  There was a sense of losing control.  I didn't know from one moment to the next how I would feel.

So at this point in my life I did what I had done several times before.  I made an appointment with my doctor to get back on medication and went back to my therapist.  This was definitely the scariest episode of depression I had ever been through, and I was very afraid.  Slowly I began to come out of the depression, and at that point something began to shift in me.  I  became extremely aware of how difficult it was for me to keep my depression to myself.  I didn't want to live in the darkness alone anymore, I was done hiding it, so slowly I began telling the people in my life.  The conversations were scary and difficult at first.  I still feared what people would think.  But with each conversation it got easier and more importantly it was a huge weight off of my shoulders.  

Around this time I became involved in something that would impact me even more.  In the summer of 2012 I participated in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk in San Francisco with three friends.  It is an 18 mile walk from sunset to sunrise that raises money for suicide prevention.  There were about 2,000 of us walking that night.  Most walk because they have lost someone to suicide, while others of us walk because of our own experiences of living with mental illnesses.  One of the most empowering parts of the experience was the wearing of the honor beads.  There are different colors of necklaces that represent different connections to the cause.  The green necklace of honor beads I wore that night signified that I had personally struggled with a mental illness.  While it made me feel rather vulnerable at first, I quickly realized I was surrounded by people that understood, that didn't judge me, and whose lives had also been touched by mental illness.  It was a community full of love, tears, acceptance, and healing. 
This walk had such an impact on me that I decided to do it again this last summer in Seattle.  There were many aspects of the walk in Seattle this year that affected me, but one short conversation I had right as I arrived was the most memorable.  When you arrive you have to fill out some medical paperwork as part of checking in.  The woman who was helping me was very friendly and gracious..  She thanked me multiple times for walking, and we were just having a pleasant conversation.  I asked her if she was also going to be walking, and she said she wasn't ready yet because she had just lost her son to suicide 8 months before.  It's not everyday a stranger tells you upon meeting you the most painful thing that has ever happened in their life. This woman, who I have managed to stay in touch with thanks to social media, had her life turned upside down by this illness.   Her son was 17 at the time and had just been diagnosed with depression a few days before he took his life.  At that point they tried to get him into an inpatient program immediately for his own safety as she believed he was at risk.  However, the insurance required an intake process, so they had to wait 4 days.  Three hours before that appointment he took his life.  The fact that had the insurance company not delayed treatment he likely would have lived only makes this more difficult for her and her family.  And yet, she is already using her experience to help others by advocating for treatment and awareness of mental illness.  She, and so many others I met at the walk, are using their suffering to bring healing and hope to others.  I knew that was something I wanted for myself as well.  This is indeed an epidemic, with millions of Americans suffering from mental illness and nearly 40,000 each year taking their lives. 

This experience lit a fire under me.  It has been just over three months since I walked in Seattle, and I have been busy with my work as an advocate.  I have started a private Facebook page, which now has about 60 people involved, for anyone who has been affected by mental illness. This group has been a place of healing for me as well as others.  Connecting with others who understand has been an essential part of my healing.  Creating this safe space to really talk about our daily struggles and receive support is so powerful. A big part of being able to hold off episodes of depression is having people to talk to. 

Shortly after this I decided I was going to start a blog to write about my life with depression.  I was very scared about this step, because I knew I was opening doors that could not be closed.  This would be public, anyone could read it.  Coworkers, friends, family, parents of my students, anyone!  People in all of these groups have now read it, and it's okay.  There have been so many people who have come out in support of me.  Many have shared their struggles with me thanked me for opening up the conversation.  I feel that for people that have been affected, which is so many of us, there is a need to talk about these things but not always a place to do it.  By sharing my experiences, I realize now I have given others permission to do the same.

So now I am completely out in the open about the fact that I have depression and anxiety.  It is one of the most freeing and healing things I have ever done.  I have finally come to believe that there is no shame in having depression.  I am ready to use my struggles to help others and let them know they are not alone.  But it's still there.  I still live with my depression and anxiety and take steps each day to keep it at bay.  I go to therapy every week, I have support groups and people to talk to and connect with, and if things get rough I have a lot of tools and people to help me through.  I've accepted that this is something I will live with and have to work on for the rest of my life, but the difference between now and where I was even last year is that I know now there is nothing wrong with me as a person and that I'm not alone.

In the scripture reading this morning it talked about our weaknesses making us stronger.  "The weaker I become the stronger I get".  That has certainly been my experience these last several years.  The more I acknowledge my struggles, share my vulnerability, and let people know what I really experience the stronger I feel.   I don't know what lies in store for me, but I am committed to using my experiences to help others.  And for this, I am extremely grateful.  

Ready or Not....

I want to be a mental health advocate.  I have come to accept my own depression and I want to let people know that there is nothing wrong with having depression or any other mental illness.  I know this work can save lives and help me grow as well.  I'm done living in the dark and pretending like this doesn't exist.

But at the same time, it's not like I make my statement and I'm done.  These steps are opening doors that I'm not sure I'm ready to walk through. I have issues with anxiety, I think and worry about things.  Change scares me, putting myself out there scares me, and taking risks in general scares me.

The most recent door that has opened for me is an opportunity to share my story in public.  My pastor is aware of the process I've been going through with coming out in the open and working to raise awareness and understanding of mental illness.  This week he asked me if I would be willing to share my story with the congregation in church.  I was thinking he meant giving a 2-3 minute testimony near the beginning of the service.  But in fact what he meant is my speaking would replace the sermon.  Or rather, I guess my talk would BE the sermon.

As he brought this up to me in person earlier this week I told him I was interested.  But inside I was thinking there is no way in hell I'm getting up in front of the whole congregation and sharing my story.  Here's what was running through my mind.  I can't do this.  I don't know what to say.  I'll freeze up, panic, shake, shut down, etc... Who would be there?  What if _____ shows up?  These are just some of the fears that immediately began racing through my head.  And yet, I told him I'd think about it.  I figured this was something that would happen down the line and I'd have plenty of time to hopefully warm up to the idea.

Then just a couple of days ago I received an email from him giving me an actual date, September 28th, that he would like me to speak in church.  Again the fears started running wild and the anxiety started running through my body.  My mind was racing.  Public speaking in general scares me.  I mean, I'm an elementary teacher and I speak in front of kids (and often parents who may be in the room) all the time.  But this is different. This is new.

I often talk about my depression here, but anxiety is something I also have issues with.  I've definitely been  having some anxiety with this.  Intrusive thoughts.  Difficulty quieting my head enough to fall asleep. General nervousness.  So part of the struggle with both depression and anxiety isn't just the depression and anxiety, it's the negative thinking and self judgment that go with it.  So I'm working on that with this whole opportunity to speak in church and share my story.  What if it's just scary and anxiety producing because it's new to me? There are plenty of things that used to scare me terribly that I do now regularly with little or no fear.  Maybe with practice speaking in public about my depression can be the same.

I'm going to do it.  I'm going to share my story for whoever shows up at church on September 28th.  For years I have let fear rule me.  As a teen and young adult my fear and anxiety played a role in nearly every decision I made.  Since starting therapy nearly 25 years ago it's become a process of learning to live out of love instead of fear.  It's an extremely slow process... So despite the fact that I am really scared and full of self-doubt at the moment I'm doing this. 

There's also something else I sense within me.  Excitement!  Behind and mixed in with all the fear and doubt I'm currently experiencing is excitement.  I'm not excited about the actual act of getting up there and speaking, but I'm excited about the effect it may have on me as well as others.  I'm excited about a chance to touch other people's lives.  Somewhere inside me hidden amongst this fear I know the message I have to share is powerful and that speaking up about mental illness can change and save lives.  This is an amazing opportunity, and I'm not going to let my fear keep me from it this time. 

Therapy today

So it's hard to believe that it was exactly a week ago today that I posted on Facebook the link to this blog.  I continue to be excited about being out there to the world and not being ashamed to say I have depression and anxiety.  I have had many kind messages and comments, several good conversations in real life, and some have confided in me that they, too, have similar struggles.  It has taken me about 25 years to get to this point, and I'm grateful to be out in the open.

However, when I walked into therapy today thinking I was going to be so excited to tell my therapist that I had taken this step it didn't quite work out that way.  As I often do, I walked in and kind of just froze up.  This happens often... I wasn't excited, I felt tense and nervous and so we talked about that for a bit.  Even after over a year with her, I still get nervous about opening up.  I actually have found that I'm more nervous and likely to freeze up when I have something positive to share.

So eventually we got around to talking about this whole being out in the open thing.  She asked me how I felt about it, I said excited but still wasn't really feeling it at that moment.  It's pretty amazing how quickly I forget the details of what happened in therapy... So it will get a bit blurry from here for a bit.  I know I spent some time talking about all that has happened as a result from putting that post out there, mostly the things I mentioned above about people's responses.

Let me take a step back for a second and share some background.  I am one of those people who feels like I need to resolve everything.  If I have an issue with someone I don't feel comfortable around that person until we've talked it through.  At least in most of my relationships that's true.  I see people who are able to let things go and function fine around people they have unresolved conflict with.  I have never understood that.   I've always wanted to do that, but it just hasn't seemed to be something I could have any control over.  Things that had happened several years ago could still be triggered at a moments notice.

So back to therapy.  I was telling my therapist that I walked into one of those situations one day this week where I am often triggered and nothing really happened.  There was someone there who I feel I have these unresolved issues with.  I mean, I actually felt fine being in this environment and enjoyed myself for the short time I was there.  She wondered what had changed.  I couldn't really say.  I had talked with a separate friend about it this week so maybe that was it?  But I've talked about this issue with people before and nothing had changed.  So my therapist wondered about the possible connection between "coming out" this week and my not being triggered.  It's possible I suppose.

Whatever it is, there was clearly a shift there.  For the first time I had a real feeling sense that I may be able to resolve issues within myself without needing the other person's participation.  It's still very new to me, but it feels like this is a big deal.  How nice it would be to not take things so personally all the time, to have another tool in my belt for dealing with people who I struggle with.  This felt like a big breakthrough to me.  At that point I talked about how for several months I have felt like I'm just coasting along through therapy and not much is happening.  But I think the reality is that sometimes changes are taking root that I don't really see coming.  Lulls are normal, and I guess I never know when what I've been working on is going to result in some kind of breakthrough. 

I had another breakthrough towards the end of the session.  I was feeling very open now and was expressing myself much more easily.  I told her about how hard it is for me to tell her good things about myself.  I think that was why the anxiety at the beginning.  I have trouble thinking of myself in a positive light.  This week I had done this amazing thing of coming out to the world about my depression, a huge step, and I still am not giving myself credit and letting myself feel all the good that is coming out of this.  So she told me that this week she wants me to work on acknowledging how great I am, and how what I'm doing is really helping me and others as well.  I'll be working on it...