Self Care Progress, Kind Of

I happen to be in a profession that really takes a toll on my body.  Being an elementary school teacher I am on stage for nearly 6 hours a day and it is extremely exhausting work.  I love it and I'm good at it, but it really wears me down.  I often get sick about this time of year, and it has happened again.

I'm grateful to have a boss that understands that family and your health need to come before work, but it's still hard to take time away when I need it.  The students don't generally respond well to substitutes, and when I come back there is often something to deal with that happened while I was gone.  On top of that, it typically takes about an hour or more to get the plans together to have a substitute in your class.  It's not the kind of job where you can just wake up and call in sick.  

It was this exact week last year, the week before Christmas break from school, that I was home in bed all week beginning my recovery from pneumonia.  I remember the week before I had noticed a cold or something developing in my chest.  However, instead of recognizing the signs and slowing down I ignored it and thought I could push through it until Christmas break.  Well, that didn't turn out too well.  Being so sick was scary, and being in bed for over a week definitely got my attention.  This past year I've really tried to work on taking better care of myself and recognizing the signs my body gives me.  I've had mixed results.

I'd like to tell you that I've made all of these dramatic changes; that I exercise regularly, eat well, and get consistent sleep.  As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety I know the importance of these things for my well being.  But if I told you that I'd be lying.  I exercise occasionally, I love beer and ice cream, and sometimes I stay up too late on work nights and don't get enough sleep.  The unavoidable stress of having two dogs, two teenage boys, and a busy job definitely play a role in all of this.  I try to remember this and do my best.  I think a big part of my self care is not expecting perfection, and to be gentle with myself when I don't make the best choices.

As often is the case, I had another opportunity this week to make a better choice given similar circumstances.  On Saturday, which was the exact day last year that I was diagnosed with pneumonia, I began feeling that congestion in my chest and the exhaustion of an oncoming illness.  But this time I listened to my body.  I rested that whole day and Sunday also.  Then I went to work yesterday and took it as easy as I could on a rainy day with kids in the room all day.  During the times they were working and inside recess time I diligently worked on my sub plans for today.  So now I am home resting and trying to get over this thing.  I cancelled my therapy appointment for today and I took a long nap. I'm far from perfect when it comes to taking care of my body, but I can celebrate the fact that I listened better to my body this year than I did last year.  I'm hoping that means it will pass quickly and not linger into my Christmas break.

I am a Stigma Fighter

About five months ago I began writing this blog and quickly became connected with people around the world who also blog about issues related to mental illness.  Within a day of posting my first entry I was connected to someone through a mutual friend who was also a mental health blogger.  She promptly added me to a private Facebook page for mental health advocates who blog about their experiences.  It was a bit overwhelming at first to be among all these accomplished writers who were doing great things as mental health advocates, but it was also a wonderful gift.  I realized I was not alone in this endeavor, that there are thousands of people all over the world doing amazing things to raise awareness about mental illness and end the stigma and shame associated with having a mental illness.

One of those people is Sarah Fader.  She has created a webpage called Stigma Fighters where people share their stories of living with a mental illness.  It is very powerful to see people from all walks of life taking a risk and sharing their stories of suffering in order to heal themselves and others.  She is trying to take the next step and turn Stigma Fighters into a non-profit organization that would create chapters at college campuses where students who struggle can become part of a community who understands.  In order for her to take this next step, she needs to raise $5,000 to become a non-profit and set up some tours of college campuses to get things started.  

 I was so impressed by her work and I decided to get involved a bit.  I donated some money and also submitted my own story of living with mental illness to her page. Stigma Fighters is a community, and I am happy to be a part of it.  Around this time I also began following the progress of her fundraising and was surprised and disappointed to see that more people were not donating.   

I think people don't realize the severity of this problem, especially for our young people.  Suicide is the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24.  As a father of two teenagers this really scares me.  Mental illness and suicide are not things that only happen to "other people", it can happen to anyone.  There are over 1,000 suicides annually at U.S. colleges, which means an average of three people each day taking their own life on a college campus. 

Despite all of this, I still never really hear about it.  It's still a topic that is taboo and filled with shame for people.  By not talking about this issue, we are teaching our youth that it is indeed a shameful thing that should not be spoken of.  Then when youth begin to have symptoms, as many do, they feel ashamed, isolated, and don't know how to get help.  They need to know it's okay to talk about it, and they need to have a place where they can get help.  Stigma Fighters can be that place. I sincerely hope that this money can be raised so Sarah can continue moving forward with this important work.  Without a doubt I know it does and will continue to save lives.  

If you are interested in donating here is the link to her fundraising page:  http://www.funddreamer.com/campaigns/help-stigma-fighters-become-a-501c3

Staying Afloat

I haven't been able to write for several weeks now.  I'm not really sure why, but I have a few theories.  First, ever since I shared my story of living with depression publicly at church about a month ago I just am not sure what to talk about.  That was such an intense experience that maybe I just felt like I needed to crawl back in my shell for a bit?  Another possible theory is the "my life is crazy" theory.  This has been a really tough last several months for me.  Both of my sons are having difficult years in school (10th and 7th grade) and the tension and conflict in the house is really creating a lot of stress.  On top of this we got a new dog, a one year old bulldog, right around the time school started.  She is having a harder time of settling in than we had hoped, and it really feels similar to having a toddler back in the house.  She chews things and we need to watch her most of the time.  The combination of these two things has me so busy and stressed I don't often have time to slow down and reflect.

Whatever the reason, I don't like it.  I miss writing, I miss publishing things, and I miss the cathartic experience of putting things on "paper" and sharing it with the world.  When life is stressful I need that release that writing brings me even more.  So here I am, trying again to write.  Seeing what may come.  I'm guessing this won't be one of my better posts, and it will likely reflect where my mind is right now.  Scattered. 

These last several weeks have been particularly challenging.  Truthfully, we are at the point of not being sure if we will be able to keep our new dog.  This is a really difficult decision to make because our youngest son has become really attached to her and we worry about the effect giving her up would have on him.  We have a trainer we have worked with before, and are going to give that a shot before making any decisions.  Part of this is that she requires so much attention and energy, and our boys haven't been as helpful as we had hoped.  They are struggling to keep up with their workload in school as it is.

So in this time the question I am often asked by my therapist is, "What can you do to take care of yourself?"  Well... I suppose that's an area where I'm a bit of a mixed bag right now.  On the one hand, I'm going to yoga once or twice a week.  I really love yoga and it clears my head and gives me a fresh perspective most of the time.  On the other hand, I find myself turning to alcohol a bit more frequently after a stressful day.  Not an excessive amount, but it likely makes me more worn out in the long run.  I think my biggest barrier to self-care though is just being hard on myself.  Expecting myself to be perfect, getting down on myself for not always reacting in the best way when things get tough with my sons.  Life is just hard sometimes, and now is one of those times.  This is always a difficult time of year with the days getting shorter, the long stretch of school from August to November without many breaks, and just getting worn down.  I need to remind myself that I don't have to be perfect.  I need to remember all of the good things that I do, and not dwell on my struggles but learn from them. I need to keep writing, connecting, and reaching out when I feel overwhelmed and disconnected.  I'm starting to do those things a bit more this last week, and I can feel the difference.

So despite the fact that my household feels much like a battle zone these days, I am hanging in there.  I am doing my very best to be a good parent, husband, teacher, and person while still working to take care of myself.  I'm certainly not doing it perfectly, but that isn't my goal anyway.  Doing my best, being transparent about what is happening, and living with the results is what I'm striving for. 

A Bump in the Road

It's hard for me to say I'm not doing okay.  But that's where I was much of today.  My depression and anxiety are lying to me.  I don't believe them, but it's still been a hard day.  I've been having negative thoughts about myself, overreacting to things, and I just wanted to hide in a corner somewhere.  And truthfully, sometimes in these moments hiding in a corner for a while is the best thing I can do.

I was already feeling a bit off when I woke up this morning, it seems it's been building up for a week or so with the stress and just feeling not quite right.  Being overly busy, which I have been for over a month, can trigger a mood like this.  Especially once I have a bit of down time like I have had this weekend.  Today at church was youth Sunday, which meant both of my sons would be participating in the service in one way or another.  One was leading the prayer and the other was playing his electric bass with the band and reading scripture.  It "should" have been a happy and proud moment for me, but when I'm feeling bad it doesn't really matter what's happening on the outside.  I am proud of my sons and they did a great job, but my actual experience at church was mostly one of self-judgment and social anxiety.

One of my sons was also having a difficult time before church and I didn't handle it very well at all.  I was reactive instead of trying to be understanding.  I felt the wrath of his anger for that one, which sent me a bit deeper.  During church I was thinking a lot about what a bad father I was, though my thoughts attacked me in other ways as well.   I know I'm not a bad father, but those thoughts are very real and powerful.  There were moments throughout the service, which I can objectively say was beautifully done, where I escaped the fog and enjoyed it.  The music was great and the teen who gave the sermon was inspiring.  But the negative thoughts kept coming back and after the service they kicked back in completely.  I've learned that, at these moments, it is best for me to just get away.  Of course, this isn't always an option.  So I stuck it out and then headed home once I was able..

Now that I'm home and some time has passed I can already look at the experience with a little bit of perspective.  It is very hard to be out in public and interact when I'm not thinking straight.  Battling negative thoughts and feelings while I'm surrounded by people connecting with each other is hard.  So is having conversations with people while my head is filled with negativity and heaviness.  One thing I've improved on in these moments is being less judgmental of myself.  I had the awareness today, even in the moment, that the thoughts aren't reality and they will pass.  I was able to get myself home and start getting myself back together.  I took a nap, went to yoga, and tonight I'm feeling a little bit better.

I still don't fully understand my depression and anxiety.  It has a mind of its own, comes and goes when it pleases, and I can't always predict when and where it will emerge.  Today was definitely a ride it out day.  I went through the motions, I did the tiring work of challenging my negative thoughts, and I made it through the day.  I don't like it, but it's part of living with depression.  Oddly enough, I'd call it a successful day.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Why we Have to Speak Up

Around the fall of 2011 I decided I didn't want to keep my mental illness a secret anymore.  I wanted to be open, I wanted the people in my life to know, and I was tired of living in the darkness.  But I was afraid.  I worried what others would think about me.  I was still living in my own self-stigma.  I lived on the fence for a couple of years and had opened up to people in my life,  yet in many ways I was still keeping my mental illness hiding in the corner where I felt it belonged.

It's not in the corner anymore.  I'm completely out in the open now about the fact that I live with depression and anxiety.  It culminated two weeks ago when I spoke candidly in church about my experiences and the need to break the stigma.  I know my talking and posting about it makes some people uncomfortable, but I really just don't care anymore.  Not having to keep my two lives separate any longer has been a blessing for me, and I feel more than ever that I can be who I really am.  And for a while that was enough. It's already not anymore.

I have a new feeling emerging as I go through this process.  Anger.  I'm angry about the stigma, about how we don't talk about mental illness, and how this leads to a world where shame and secrecy still surround issues of mental illness and suicide.  A world where every year a million people worldwide take their own lives instead of seeking and receiving treatment, in large part because of this stigma.  We should all be outraged! And yet we're not.  Mental illness is treatable after all, and treatment saves lives.  It's not enough anymore to just be comfortable in my own skin, I need to keep pushing to bring mental illness fully into the light and break the stigma. 

I think about the fact that in the U.S., where I live, suicide is the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24.  I also think about the effect not talking about mental illness and suicide as a society has on our suicide rate, especially for our young people.  By not talking about it we are giving our youth the message that it is a shameful thing not to be spoken of.  I know there are other factors, but no wonder so many don't choose to seek treatment.  No wonder so many choose to take their own lives.   This is an illness, like cancer, that does not discriminate.  It could happen to any of us.  And for those of us who are parents, it could happen to our kids.  We need to let them know that if they do begin to have symptoms that it is okay to talk about it and seek help. 

Not too long ago I was approached by a youth who was struggling with depression.  She knew she was depressed and wanted me to tell her how she can get help.  What a wonderful thing that this youth would take the risk to talk to me and take steps to get help. However, their parents have pushed the issue aside when she has tried to bring it up.  They have also made comments like, "nobody in this family is depressed" since she has been struggling.  That's shame, that's stigma!  And sadly, it intensifies this person's feeling that there is something wrong with them.  It's an awful message to give a youth, and it's not true.  What is this person supposed to do now?  They are dependent upon their parents to get help.  How can they get help if their parents won't even acknowledge a problem exists?  This is why we have to speak up.  This is why I will continue to push awareness of mental illness.   This is why I will not stop talking about it!  I implore you to do the same.  There are many lives at stake, and we can no longer stay silent.

There's no shame in having a mental illness

Sunday was not the end of my journey, but it was certainly a momentous step on my road to recovery and self-acceptance.  I spoke at church about my life with depression, I was the guest speaker in place of  the sermon.  I was honest and open about what it's like to live with depression, the stigma, and how much work needs to be done to raise awareness.  I have long envisioned my journey as a path from self-hatred to self-love and acceptance.  I'm not there and will continue this journey throughout my life, but I can see how far I've come.

In my teens and early twenties I was filled with shame.  It encompassed every aspect of my life and completely clouded the way I viewed myself.  It affected all of my relationships. At my core I felt there was something wrong with me.  I knew I wanted to be authentic and be myself, but I saw myself as shameful and unlovable so I felt the need to pretend to be something I wasn't.  I hid my real feelings from the rest of the world.  Despite going through a lot of therapy and really getting myself to a better place, I basically lived this way until about 3 years ago.  That's when I began the process of "coming out" following my worst and scariest episode of depression.  Sharing my story in public was in many ways the culmination of that process.  By speaking at church I did something I've been wanting to do at some level for the last 25 years. 

I told the truth.  I got up in front of about 150-200 people at church and for 15 minutes I told them the truth about my experience of living with depression and anxiety.  It seems like such a simple concept.  But when it comes to depression and anxiety, telling the truth publicly is not easy or common.  How freeing it was to be able to just get up in front of people and speak honestly about my experience with having a mental illness.  As I spoke I could see that many people in the pews were crying a bit.  My wife and kids were there, my parents, some of my closest friends, and a number of people who I have known for about 20 years who didn't know this about me.  I shared a lot of details, but my basic message is that I have a mental illness, I lived in the darkness with it for nearly 25 years due to shame, and now I live in the open with it and have become a mental health advocate.  All the different work I have done over the years led me to a point where I was comfortable enough to speak about it publicly.  When I was finished people clapped, and we are not a church where clapping really happens.  They clapped for a long time.  I was so humbled by this, I never thought this day would come and then to have such a positive response was wonderful!

It was clear that sharing my story had an effect on people.  I had a lot of people come up to me after the service to talk to me or just offer a supportive hug.  Some "came out" to me, others asked how they go about getting help, many shared about their family members who have suffered or still do suffer. I realized yet again that we are all affected by mental illness, either directly or indirectly.  People may not accept it or talk about it, but it's there.  It seems to be everywhere.

I have only begun to process what all of this means to me.  I do know I really liked it and would welcome other opportunities to share my story publicly.  I think my biggest takeaway so far is the power of simply talking about mental illness honestly.  People have been telling me since I started blogging and being open about depression that I am brave and courageous.  I don't know about that, but the fact that they think I am courageous brings light to the level of taboo and stigma that still surrounds this topic.  So many, and often with good reason, suffer in shame and isolation.  People are still told by parents, partners, and friends to "just get over it" or "stop feeling sorry for yourself".  I know this because some have confided this in me over the last several months.  This makes me so sad.  We need to talk about it, and people need to understand that it is an illness.  It actually is a matter of life and death  Mental illness is not a sign of weakness, it's not a character flaw, and it's not your fault if you are suffering!  I have hope that change is happening.  There are many of us coming out in the open and letting the world know there is no shame in having a mental illness.  I finally know I am not alone, and that's a feeling I want everyone who suffers from a mental illness to be able to experience!

FInding my Way

Today is one of those days.  I've been going non-stop for the last two weeks because my sons started school two weeks ago and I had a training last weekend that cut into that time I need to get emotional reset for another busy week.  So I entered this week already feeling a bit worn down.  Despite all this, it's actually been a great couple of weeks for me.  School is going well, our new dog is settling (slowly) into our house, and my mood has been pretty steady and generally up.  But when I run myself a little too ragged there is often an emotional dip once I finally get the time to breathe.  Today is that day.

Thankfully I have not had a major episode of depression in over three years, but I do still have days or even several days where I struggle.  I do feel some symptoms of depression today.  I'm easily frustrated, I've been overreacting to things with my family, and I just feel kind of down and have low energy.   The negative thoughts are spinning around my head.  In the past, it was easy to let a day like this snowball into several days of it or even a longer episode of depression.  I'm learning that one way to keep it from spiraling further is to just let it be and acknowledge it without judgment.  I'm not perfect at it, but I'm also not piling guilt and shame upon myself for having a bad day and feeling bad about myself.  I know it will pass.  Even as I'm in it, I can see beyond it.  

As a teen and young adult trying to survive with depression I learned a lot of habits and thinking patterns that are not very useful now.  Because I felt, with good reason at the time, that I needed to hide my depression and  keep my negative thoughts and feelings from others I learned to deny my actual reality.  It was very damaging for me to have to pretend to feel different than I actually felt.  It led to further shame, lower self esteem, and would often move me towards episodes of depression.  Slowly I'm learning to accept my negative thoughts and feelings and not push them away or deny it altogether. It is such a simple concept, but owning and accepting whatever I'm experiencing is incredibly difficult and takes effort.  It is effort well spent.

This journey through depression and anxiety has been incredibly painful and challenging, but it has also made me grow in ways I likely would not have if I had never experienced it.  It has allowed me to more fully realize who I am and become comfortable in my own skin.  I has given me a level of compassion that has made me a better teacher, friend, father, and husband.  I have made connections in real life and through social media that would not have happened without depression and anxiety being a part of my life.  Being in the light with my struggles and having communities of fellow survivors is a blessing.  It feels like home in a way that nothing has felt like home before.  And thanks to that I can even feel a little hopeful and connected on a down day like today. 

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