A Bump in the Road

It's hard for me to say I'm not doing okay.  But that's where I was much of today.  My depression and anxiety are lying to me.  I don't believe them, but it's still been a hard day.  I've been having negative thoughts about myself, overreacting to things, and I just wanted to hide in a corner somewhere.  And truthfully, sometimes in these moments hiding in a corner for a while is the best thing I can do.

I was already feeling a bit off when I woke up this morning, it seems it's been building up for a week or so with the stress and just feeling not quite right.  Being overly busy, which I have been for over a month, can trigger a mood like this.  Especially once I have a bit of down time like I have had this weekend.  Today at church was youth Sunday, which meant both of my sons would be participating in the service in one way or another.  One was leading the prayer and the other was playing his electric bass with the band and reading scripture.  It "should" have been a happy and proud moment for me, but when I'm feeling bad it doesn't really matter what's happening on the outside.  I am proud of my sons and they did a great job, but my actual experience at church was mostly one of self-judgment and social anxiety.

One of my sons was also having a difficult time before church and I didn't handle it very well at all.  I was reactive instead of trying to be understanding.  I felt the wrath of his anger for that one, which sent me a bit deeper.  During church I was thinking a lot about what a bad father I was, though my thoughts attacked me in other ways as well.   I know I'm not a bad father, but those thoughts are very real and powerful.  There were moments throughout the service, which I can objectively say was beautifully done, where I escaped the fog and enjoyed it.  The music was great and the teen who gave the sermon was inspiring.  But the negative thoughts kept coming back and after the service they kicked back in completely.  I've learned that, at these moments, it is best for me to just get away.  Of course, this isn't always an option.  So I stuck it out and then headed home once I was able..

Now that I'm home and some time has passed I can already look at the experience with a little bit of perspective.  It is very hard to be out in public and interact when I'm not thinking straight.  Battling negative thoughts and feelings while I'm surrounded by people connecting with each other is hard.  So is having conversations with people while my head is filled with negativity and heaviness.  One thing I've improved on in these moments is being less judgmental of myself.  I had the awareness today, even in the moment, that the thoughts aren't reality and they will pass.  I was able to get myself home and start getting myself back together.  I took a nap, went to yoga, and tonight I'm feeling a little bit better.

I still don't fully understand my depression and anxiety.  It has a mind of its own, comes and goes when it pleases, and I can't always predict when and where it will emerge.  Today was definitely a ride it out day.  I went through the motions, I did the tiring work of challenging my negative thoughts, and I made it through the day.  I don't like it, but it's part of living with depression.  Oddly enough, I'd call it a successful day.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Stress and Negative Thinking

I often forget how tiring and stressful the beginning of the school year can be.  And this year there are a few added challenges that is making it even more difficult.  I've changed from 2nd to 4th grade, so I am learning a whole new curriculum.  I had to move classrooms and am still trying to get some things in place.  We have a new math program that is really challenging for the students (and teachers).  And maybe the most frustrating aspect of life right now is the fact that our house is still in disarray due to the remodel not quite being done.  Having the house be a mess and so many things being where they do not belong is really getting old!

The first week of school has been a real roller coaster emotionally.  When stress hits me I tend to fall into some negative habits and thinking.  Especially the thinking... I'm extremely hard on myself and have difficulty allowing myself to just be human.  Being in a new grade level it's natural that I have a lot to learn.  But time after time this last week when things don't go well with a lesson or I need to ask for help from the other teachers I have really gotten down on myself. I don't give myself the same compassion I would offer any of my colleagues in the same circumstances.  From there it has a tendency to just snowball.  At least, I fear it's going to snowball and I'll fall back into a deep pit of depression. 

So I brought this overwhelmed and stressed out attitude to therapy yesterday.  I went on for about 15 minutes about my negative thinking, the things that weren't going well, and all of the stress in my life.  Once I slowed down she asked me if it was possible that I'm just stressed and overwhelmed because I have a lot of change and challenges in my life right now.  She's right. It's frustrating how when things are tough I just go straight to self-judgment instead of just acknowledging that things might just be difficult and challenging right now.  It's such a persistent habit that I often don't realize it's happening.  I'm working on being more aware of my thoughts, and challenging them with reality.

Another thing I noticed I am doing is focusing on the negative aspects of my day more than the positive ones.  Yesterday, for example, I felt really down and stressed as I went to school.  I was lacking confidence and my energy wasn't very good.  Then once I started teaching things went really well.  The technology in my class that had been broken since school started was fixed, which makes teaching so much easier!  And I was just kind of in a groove all day with my teaching.  The kids were engaged, I was having fun.  It was a great school day!  After school on the way to therapy that heavy and down feeling I had in the morning returned.  I carried that into the session.  But what I notice now is that I was completely focused on the fact that I was having this heavy, overwhelmed feeling instead of the fact that I had felt really good all day at work. 

I think over the last several months I've been working on changing my perspective about how I react to my moods.  Somehow I have this expectation that I should always feel good.  That's not realistic.  Nobody feels good all the time, especially those of us who battle depression.  So I'm trying to change my expectation.  I'm trying to be okay with the fact that sometimes I won't feel well.  Sometimes I'll be stressed, sad, tired, frustrated, angry and a variety of other not so great feelings.  It's okay to not feel okay sometimes!  The real trouble I think is not that I have these feelings, it's that when I do I get so down on myself.  I think they won't pass, or they mean there's something wrong with me.  But the truth is that life can be hard at times and I will not always feel good.  The bad feelings pass and I can often remind myself that the negative thoughts are just the depression lying to me.  It does that a lot, for everyone who suffers from depression. 

The truth is that the beginning of the school year is challenging and takes a lot of energy!  I'm going to be tired sometimes.  Stressed.  Frustrated.  Overwhelmed.  But I can't let myself forget that I also love what I do.  And I'm good at it.  I connect really well with my students and the other teachers.  I laugh and smile a LOT during the day.  I also have amazing co-workers.  We work well together and really do our best to do what's best for kids.  Not all schools have that.  All of this is true!.  The negative that often creeps into my head does not take away the positive.  I have a feeling I'll be reminding myself of this fact a lot over the next several weeks...