I have written a lot about my experience with depression, but I also suffer from various forms of anxiety including social anxiety. Yesterday I attended a four hour training that will lead to my becoming a public speaker for Stop Stigma Sacramento. I'd love to tell you it was a powerful experience and I felt so connected and empowered to be around other people who understand and experience mental illness. I was surrounded by people who understand, but I did not feel connected and empowered. I participated, but it was difficult.. I actually left feeling a bit down and disconnected.
It often amazes me that even though I've lived with major depression and anxiety for over 25 years that I continue to grow and learn new things about my illnesses and how to manage them all the time. Sometimes in social situations, and almost always when I am in a new situation, I feel very anxious. My heart beats fast, I worry what others are thinking, and I can't fully relax. I also tend to think that other people there don't like me and that I don't fit in. This was all going on yesterday at the training. I never really realized until recently that these symptoms are common for people with social anxiety and that I'm not the only one who experiences them.
There is great power for me in knowing I'm not alone. And in simply acknowledging this experience exists for me. In the past I would have tried to hide this and push away and hide the feelings, all the while berating myself for not being able to "be like everyone else". But yesterday I just rolled with it for the most part. It was still unpleasant at times, but I had the awareness that it was just a part of how I experience things and that it would pass. I noticed the feelings and participated when I could. I also allowed myself not to participate when I didn't feel up to it, and to just listen. Most of the time without judgment. That is huge progress for me.
Knowing all of this now it doesn't surprise me that I've historically avoided things that bring me anxiety. I don't like making phone calls, returning items to a store, making small talk with strangers, and many other social situations. It's a part of my anxiety, and it's not a reflection of who I am as a person. There's nothing wrong with me, I have social anxiety. Thankfully, between the hard work in therapy and my medication the symptoms are pretty manageable. And once I'm comfortable somewhere, such as work, the anxiety does not interfere with my functioning much at all. You would think that with all of this that I prefer to be alone, but that's not the case. I'm an extremely social person and love connecting with others, it usually energizes me.
Having said all that, I still wonder if it's a good idea for me to take on a volunteer position as a public speaker about very personal things as someone living with social anxiety. This is sort of an experiment I guess. I believe I can do it, but if for whatever reason it doesn't work out I will be okay with that. I'm going to just take it one step at a time and allow myself to move very slowly and feel awkward and vulnerable. I will be going the next two Fridays to "practice sessions" where I get to practice my speech and get feedback and help from the leader. I'm excited, and I'm not going to let my social anxiety stop me from doing this important work.
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Self Care Progress, Kind Of
I happen to be in a profession that really takes a toll on my body.
Being an elementary school teacher I am on stage for nearly 6 hours a
day and it is extremely exhausting work. I love it and I'm good at it,
but it really wears me down. I often get sick about this time of year, and it has happened again.
I'm grateful to have a boss that understands that family and your health need to come before work, but it's still hard to take time away when I need it. The students don't generally respond well to substitutes, and when I come back there is often something to deal with that happened while I was gone. On top of that, it typically takes about an hour or more to get the plans together to have a substitute in your class. It's not the kind of job where you can just wake up and call in sick.
It was this exact week last year, the week before Christmas break from school, that I was home in bed all week beginning my recovery from pneumonia. I remember the week before I had noticed a cold or something developing in my chest. However, instead of recognizing the signs and slowing down I ignored it and thought I could push through it until Christmas break. Well, that didn't turn out too well. Being so sick was scary, and being in bed for over a week definitely got my attention. This past year I've really tried to work on taking better care of myself and recognizing the signs my body gives me. I've had mixed results.
I'd like to tell you that I've made all of these dramatic changes; that I exercise regularly, eat well, and get consistent sleep. As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety I know the importance of these things for my well being. But if I told you that I'd be lying. I exercise occasionally, I love beer and ice cream, and sometimes I stay up too late on work nights and don't get enough sleep. The unavoidable stress of having two dogs, two teenage boys, and a busy job definitely play a role in all of this. I try to remember this and do my best. I think a big part of my self care is not expecting perfection, and to be gentle with myself when I don't make the best choices.
As often is the case, I had another opportunity this week to make a better choice given similar circumstances. On Saturday, which was the exact day last year that I was diagnosed with pneumonia, I began feeling that congestion in my chest and the exhaustion of an oncoming illness. But this time I listened to my body. I rested that whole day and Sunday also. Then I went to work yesterday and took it as easy as I could on a rainy day with kids in the room all day. During the times they were working and inside recess time I diligently worked on my sub plans for today. So now I am home resting and trying to get over this thing. I cancelled my therapy appointment for today and I took a long nap. I'm far from perfect when it comes to taking care of my body, but I can celebrate the fact that I listened better to my body this year than I did last year. I'm hoping that means it will pass quickly and not linger into my Christmas break.
I'm grateful to have a boss that understands that family and your health need to come before work, but it's still hard to take time away when I need it. The students don't generally respond well to substitutes, and when I come back there is often something to deal with that happened while I was gone. On top of that, it typically takes about an hour or more to get the plans together to have a substitute in your class. It's not the kind of job where you can just wake up and call in sick.
It was this exact week last year, the week before Christmas break from school, that I was home in bed all week beginning my recovery from pneumonia. I remember the week before I had noticed a cold or something developing in my chest. However, instead of recognizing the signs and slowing down I ignored it and thought I could push through it until Christmas break. Well, that didn't turn out too well. Being so sick was scary, and being in bed for over a week definitely got my attention. This past year I've really tried to work on taking better care of myself and recognizing the signs my body gives me. I've had mixed results.
I'd like to tell you that I've made all of these dramatic changes; that I exercise regularly, eat well, and get consistent sleep. As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety I know the importance of these things for my well being. But if I told you that I'd be lying. I exercise occasionally, I love beer and ice cream, and sometimes I stay up too late on work nights and don't get enough sleep. The unavoidable stress of having two dogs, two teenage boys, and a busy job definitely play a role in all of this. I try to remember this and do my best. I think a big part of my self care is not expecting perfection, and to be gentle with myself when I don't make the best choices.
As often is the case, I had another opportunity this week to make a better choice given similar circumstances. On Saturday, which was the exact day last year that I was diagnosed with pneumonia, I began feeling that congestion in my chest and the exhaustion of an oncoming illness. But this time I listened to my body. I rested that whole day and Sunday also. Then I went to work yesterday and took it as easy as I could on a rainy day with kids in the room all day. During the times they were working and inside recess time I diligently worked on my sub plans for today. So now I am home resting and trying to get over this thing. I cancelled my therapy appointment for today and I took a long nap. I'm far from perfect when it comes to taking care of my body, but I can celebrate the fact that I listened better to my body this year than I did last year. I'm hoping that means it will pass quickly and not linger into my Christmas break.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
There's no shame in having a mental illness
Sunday was not the end of my journey, but it was certainly a momentous step on my road to recovery and self-acceptance. I spoke at church about my life with depression, I was the guest speaker in place of the sermon. I was honest and open about what it's like to live with depression, the stigma, and how much work needs to be done to raise awareness. I have long envisioned my journey as a path from self-hatred to self-love and acceptance. I'm not there and will continue this journey throughout my life, but I can see how far I've come.
In my teens and early twenties I was filled with shame. It encompassed every aspect of my life and completely clouded the way I viewed myself. It affected all of my relationships. At my core I felt there was something wrong with me. I knew I wanted to be authentic and be myself, but I saw myself as shameful and unlovable so I felt the need to pretend to be something I wasn't. I hid my real feelings from the rest of the world. Despite going through a lot of therapy and really getting myself to a better place, I basically lived this way until about 3 years ago. That's when I began the process of "coming out" following my worst and scariest episode of depression. Sharing my story in public was in many ways the culmination of that process. By speaking at church I did something I've been wanting to do at some level for the last 25 years.
I told the truth. I got up in front of about 150-200 people at church and for 15 minutes I told them the truth about my experience of living with depression and anxiety. It seems like such a simple concept. But when it comes to depression and anxiety, telling the truth publicly is not easy or common. How freeing it was to be able to just get up in front of people and speak honestly about my experience with having a mental illness. As I spoke I could see that many people in the pews were crying a bit. My wife and kids were there, my parents, some of my closest friends, and a number of people who I have known for about 20 years who didn't know this about me. I shared a lot of details, but my basic message is that I have a mental illness, I lived in the darkness with it for nearly 25 years due to shame, and now I live in the open with it and have become a mental health advocate. All the different work I have done over the years led me to a point where I was comfortable enough to speak about it publicly. When I was finished people clapped, and we are not a church where clapping really happens. They clapped for a long time. I was so humbled by this, I never thought this day would come and then to have such a positive response was wonderful!
It was clear that sharing my story had an effect on people. I had a lot of people come up to me after the service to talk to me or just offer a supportive hug. Some "came out" to me, others asked how they go about getting help, many shared about their family members who have suffered or still do suffer. I realized yet again that we are all affected by mental illness, either directly or indirectly. People may not accept it or talk about it, but it's there. It seems to be everywhere.
I have only begun to process what all of this means to me. I do know I really liked it and would welcome other opportunities to share my story publicly. I think my biggest takeaway so far is the power of simply talking about mental illness honestly. People have been telling me since I started blogging and being open about depression that I am brave and courageous. I don't know about that, but the fact that they think I am courageous brings light to the level of taboo and stigma that still surrounds this topic. So many, and often with good reason, suffer in shame and isolation. People are still told by parents, partners, and friends to "just get over it" or "stop feeling sorry for yourself". I know this because some have confided this in me over the last several months. This makes me so sad. We need to talk about it, and people need to understand that it is an illness. It actually is a matter of life and death Mental illness is not a sign of weakness, it's not a character flaw, and it's not your fault if you are suffering! I have hope that change is happening. There are many of us coming out in the open and letting the world know there is no shame in having a mental illness. I finally know I am not alone, and that's a feeling I want everyone who suffers from a mental illness to be able to experience!
In my teens and early twenties I was filled with shame. It encompassed every aspect of my life and completely clouded the way I viewed myself. It affected all of my relationships. At my core I felt there was something wrong with me. I knew I wanted to be authentic and be myself, but I saw myself as shameful and unlovable so I felt the need to pretend to be something I wasn't. I hid my real feelings from the rest of the world. Despite going through a lot of therapy and really getting myself to a better place, I basically lived this way until about 3 years ago. That's when I began the process of "coming out" following my worst and scariest episode of depression. Sharing my story in public was in many ways the culmination of that process. By speaking at church I did something I've been wanting to do at some level for the last 25 years.
I told the truth. I got up in front of about 150-200 people at church and for 15 minutes I told them the truth about my experience of living with depression and anxiety. It seems like such a simple concept. But when it comes to depression and anxiety, telling the truth publicly is not easy or common. How freeing it was to be able to just get up in front of people and speak honestly about my experience with having a mental illness. As I spoke I could see that many people in the pews were crying a bit. My wife and kids were there, my parents, some of my closest friends, and a number of people who I have known for about 20 years who didn't know this about me. I shared a lot of details, but my basic message is that I have a mental illness, I lived in the darkness with it for nearly 25 years due to shame, and now I live in the open with it and have become a mental health advocate. All the different work I have done over the years led me to a point where I was comfortable enough to speak about it publicly. When I was finished people clapped, and we are not a church where clapping really happens. They clapped for a long time. I was so humbled by this, I never thought this day would come and then to have such a positive response was wonderful!
It was clear that sharing my story had an effect on people. I had a lot of people come up to me after the service to talk to me or just offer a supportive hug. Some "came out" to me, others asked how they go about getting help, many shared about their family members who have suffered or still do suffer. I realized yet again that we are all affected by mental illness, either directly or indirectly. People may not accept it or talk about it, but it's there. It seems to be everywhere.
I have only begun to process what all of this means to me. I do know I really liked it and would welcome other opportunities to share my story publicly. I think my biggest takeaway so far is the power of simply talking about mental illness honestly. People have been telling me since I started blogging and being open about depression that I am brave and courageous. I don't know about that, but the fact that they think I am courageous brings light to the level of taboo and stigma that still surrounds this topic. So many, and often with good reason, suffer in shame and isolation. People are still told by parents, partners, and friends to "just get over it" or "stop feeling sorry for yourself". I know this because some have confided this in me over the last several months. This makes me so sad. We need to talk about it, and people need to understand that it is an illness. It actually is a matter of life and death Mental illness is not a sign of weakness, it's not a character flaw, and it's not your fault if you are suffering! I have hope that change is happening. There are many of us coming out in the open and letting the world know there is no shame in having a mental illness. I finally know I am not alone, and that's a feeling I want everyone who suffers from a mental illness to be able to experience!
Saturday, September 13, 2014
FInding my Way
Today is one of those days. I've been going non-stop for the last two weeks because my sons started school two weeks ago and I had a training last weekend that cut into that time I need to get emotional reset for another busy week. So I entered this week already feeling a bit worn down. Despite all this, it's actually been a great couple of weeks for me. School is going well, our new dog is settling (slowly) into our house, and my mood has been pretty steady and generally up. But when I run myself a little too ragged there is often an emotional dip once I finally get the time to breathe. Today is that day.
Thankfully I have not had a major episode of depression in over three years, but I do still have days or even several days where I struggle. I do feel some symptoms of depression today. I'm easily frustrated, I've been overreacting to things with my family, and I just feel kind of down and have low energy. The negative thoughts are spinning around my head. In the past, it was easy to let a day like this snowball into several days of it or even a longer episode of depression. I'm learning that one way to keep it from spiraling further is to just let it be and acknowledge it without judgment. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm also not piling guilt and shame upon myself for having a bad day and feeling bad about myself. I know it will pass. Even as I'm in it, I can see beyond it.
As a teen and young adult trying to survive with depression I learned a lot of habits and thinking patterns that are not very useful now. Because I felt, with good reason at the time, that I needed to hide my depression and keep my negative thoughts and feelings from others I learned to deny my actual reality. It was very damaging for me to have to pretend to feel different than I actually felt. It led to further shame, lower self esteem, and would often move me towards episodes of depression. Slowly I'm learning to accept my negative thoughts and feelings and not push them away or deny it altogether. It is such a simple concept, but owning and accepting whatever I'm experiencing is incredibly difficult and takes effort. It is effort well spent.
This journey through depression and anxiety has been incredibly painful and challenging, but it has also made me grow in ways I likely would not have if I had never experienced it. It has allowed me to more fully realize who I am and become comfortable in my own skin. I has given me a level of compassion that has made me a better teacher, friend, father, and husband. I have made connections in real life and through social media that would not have happened without depression and anxiety being a part of my life. Being in the light with my struggles and having communities of fellow survivors is a blessing. It feels like home in a way that nothing has felt like home before. And thanks to that I can even feel a little hopeful and connected on a down day like today.
.
Thankfully I have not had a major episode of depression in over three years, but I do still have days or even several days where I struggle. I do feel some symptoms of depression today. I'm easily frustrated, I've been overreacting to things with my family, and I just feel kind of down and have low energy. The negative thoughts are spinning around my head. In the past, it was easy to let a day like this snowball into several days of it or even a longer episode of depression. I'm learning that one way to keep it from spiraling further is to just let it be and acknowledge it without judgment. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm also not piling guilt and shame upon myself for having a bad day and feeling bad about myself. I know it will pass. Even as I'm in it, I can see beyond it.
As a teen and young adult trying to survive with depression I learned a lot of habits and thinking patterns that are not very useful now. Because I felt, with good reason at the time, that I needed to hide my depression and keep my negative thoughts and feelings from others I learned to deny my actual reality. It was very damaging for me to have to pretend to feel different than I actually felt. It led to further shame, lower self esteem, and would often move me towards episodes of depression. Slowly I'm learning to accept my negative thoughts and feelings and not push them away or deny it altogether. It is such a simple concept, but owning and accepting whatever I'm experiencing is incredibly difficult and takes effort. It is effort well spent.
This journey through depression and anxiety has been incredibly painful and challenging, but it has also made me grow in ways I likely would not have if I had never experienced it. It has allowed me to more fully realize who I am and become comfortable in my own skin. I has given me a level of compassion that has made me a better teacher, friend, father, and husband. I have made connections in real life and through social media that would not have happened without depression and anxiety being a part of my life. Being in the light with my struggles and having communities of fellow survivors is a blessing. It feels like home in a way that nothing has felt like home before. And thanks to that I can even feel a little hopeful and connected on a down day like today.
.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Stress and Negative Thinking
I often forget how tiring and stressful the beginning of the school year can be. And this year there are a few added challenges that is making it even more difficult. I've changed from 2nd to 4th grade, so I am learning a whole new curriculum. I had to move classrooms and am still trying to get some things in place. We have a new math program that is really challenging for the students (and teachers). And maybe the most frustrating aspect of life right now is the fact that our house is still in disarray due to the remodel not quite being done. Having the house be a mess and so many things being where they do not belong is really getting old!
The first week of school has been a real roller coaster emotionally. When stress hits me I tend to fall into some negative habits and thinking. Especially the thinking... I'm extremely hard on myself and have difficulty allowing myself to just be human. Being in a new grade level it's natural that I have a lot to learn. But time after time this last week when things don't go well with a lesson or I need to ask for help from the other teachers I have really gotten down on myself. I don't give myself the same compassion I would offer any of my colleagues in the same circumstances. From there it has a tendency to just snowball. At least, I fear it's going to snowball and I'll fall back into a deep pit of depression.
So I brought this overwhelmed and stressed out attitude to therapy yesterday. I went on for about 15 minutes about my negative thinking, the things that weren't going well, and all of the stress in my life. Once I slowed down she asked me if it was possible that I'm just stressed and overwhelmed because I have a lot of change and challenges in my life right now. She's right. It's frustrating how when things are tough I just go straight to self-judgment instead of just acknowledging that things might just be difficult and challenging right now. It's such a persistent habit that I often don't realize it's happening. I'm working on being more aware of my thoughts, and challenging them with reality.
Another thing I noticed I am doing is focusing on the negative aspects of my day more than the positive ones. Yesterday, for example, I felt really down and stressed as I went to school. I was lacking confidence and my energy wasn't very good. Then once I started teaching things went really well. The technology in my class that had been broken since school started was fixed, which makes teaching so much easier! And I was just kind of in a groove all day with my teaching. The kids were engaged, I was having fun. It was a great school day! After school on the way to therapy that heavy and down feeling I had in the morning returned. I carried that into the session. But what I notice now is that I was completely focused on the fact that I was having this heavy, overwhelmed feeling instead of the fact that I had felt really good all day at work.
I think over the last several months I've been working on changing my perspective about how I react to my moods. Somehow I have this expectation that I should always feel good. That's not realistic. Nobody feels good all the time, especially those of us who battle depression. So I'm trying to change my expectation. I'm trying to be okay with the fact that sometimes I won't feel well. Sometimes I'll be stressed, sad, tired, frustrated, angry and a variety of other not so great feelings. It's okay to not feel okay sometimes! The real trouble I think is not that I have these feelings, it's that when I do I get so down on myself. I think they won't pass, or they mean there's something wrong with me. But the truth is that life can be hard at times and I will not always feel good. The bad feelings pass and I can often remind myself that the negative thoughts are just the depression lying to me. It does that a lot, for everyone who suffers from depression.
The truth is that the beginning of the school year is challenging and takes a lot of energy! I'm going to be tired sometimes. Stressed. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. But I can't let myself forget that I also love what I do. And I'm good at it. I connect really well with my students and the other teachers. I laugh and smile a LOT during the day. I also have amazing co-workers. We work well together and really do our best to do what's best for kids. Not all schools have that. All of this is true!. The negative that often creeps into my head does not take away the positive. I have a feeling I'll be reminding myself of this fact a lot over the next several weeks...
The first week of school has been a real roller coaster emotionally. When stress hits me I tend to fall into some negative habits and thinking. Especially the thinking... I'm extremely hard on myself and have difficulty allowing myself to just be human. Being in a new grade level it's natural that I have a lot to learn. But time after time this last week when things don't go well with a lesson or I need to ask for help from the other teachers I have really gotten down on myself. I don't give myself the same compassion I would offer any of my colleagues in the same circumstances. From there it has a tendency to just snowball. At least, I fear it's going to snowball and I'll fall back into a deep pit of depression.
So I brought this overwhelmed and stressed out attitude to therapy yesterday. I went on for about 15 minutes about my negative thinking, the things that weren't going well, and all of the stress in my life. Once I slowed down she asked me if it was possible that I'm just stressed and overwhelmed because I have a lot of change and challenges in my life right now. She's right. It's frustrating how when things are tough I just go straight to self-judgment instead of just acknowledging that things might just be difficult and challenging right now. It's such a persistent habit that I often don't realize it's happening. I'm working on being more aware of my thoughts, and challenging them with reality.
Another thing I noticed I am doing is focusing on the negative aspects of my day more than the positive ones. Yesterday, for example, I felt really down and stressed as I went to school. I was lacking confidence and my energy wasn't very good. Then once I started teaching things went really well. The technology in my class that had been broken since school started was fixed, which makes teaching so much easier! And I was just kind of in a groove all day with my teaching. The kids were engaged, I was having fun. It was a great school day! After school on the way to therapy that heavy and down feeling I had in the morning returned. I carried that into the session. But what I notice now is that I was completely focused on the fact that I was having this heavy, overwhelmed feeling instead of the fact that I had felt really good all day at work.
I think over the last several months I've been working on changing my perspective about how I react to my moods. Somehow I have this expectation that I should always feel good. That's not realistic. Nobody feels good all the time, especially those of us who battle depression. So I'm trying to change my expectation. I'm trying to be okay with the fact that sometimes I won't feel well. Sometimes I'll be stressed, sad, tired, frustrated, angry and a variety of other not so great feelings. It's okay to not feel okay sometimes! The real trouble I think is not that I have these feelings, it's that when I do I get so down on myself. I think they won't pass, or they mean there's something wrong with me. But the truth is that life can be hard at times and I will not always feel good. The bad feelings pass and I can often remind myself that the negative thoughts are just the depression lying to me. It does that a lot, for everyone who suffers from depression.
The truth is that the beginning of the school year is challenging and takes a lot of energy! I'm going to be tired sometimes. Stressed. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. But I can't let myself forget that I also love what I do. And I'm good at it. I connect really well with my students and the other teachers. I laugh and smile a LOT during the day. I also have amazing co-workers. We work well together and really do our best to do what's best for kids. Not all schools have that. All of this is true!. The negative that often creeps into my head does not take away the positive. I have a feeling I'll be reminding myself of this fact a lot over the next several weeks...
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