Reflections on Robin Williams' Suicide, One Year Later

I still vividly remember walking out of a water park with my two sons one year ago today, checking my phone, and learning that Robin Williams had taken his life.  I couldn't comprehend it, I wanted to believe it wasn't true.  It couldn't be true.  But it was, and it haunted me for several weeks.  It is still very sad to me now.  It's still hard for me to watch his movies or TV shows.  It is sad because he touched my life and the lives of millions.  It is sad because he did so much good in the world, and it seemed he still had so much to give.  The same can be said of every one of the 40,000 people who choose to take their lives each year.  They all still had more to give, but the pain and suffering just became too much.  

Most, if not all, who take their lives do not have the fame, fortune, and reach of Robin Williams.  However, each of these people have parents, siblings, friends and loved ones left behind.  I have never experienced the loss of someone that close to me to suicide, but I know that those who do are scarred for life.  They experience extreme guilt, sadness, and regret.  And I'm sure much more.  While there is likely healing over time, I'm told by those who have experienced this type of loss that the pain is always there. 

Perhaps the one truth that stands out to me as I reflect on this day is the intense power of depression.  Robin Williams had everything.  He had fame, money, family, adoration, and an incredible amount of talent.  It was still no match for the depression and despair he must have felt that led him to take his own life.  Mental illness does not discriminate, it is an equal opportunity illness.  We are all vulnerable.

It is often said that you have to be strong to fight mental illness.  And I think that's true.  I know my experiences have strengthened and challenged me.  However, for me it is equally, if not more, important to acknowledge my weakness in my fight against depression and anxiety.  I am extremely fortunate that the medication I take really controls my symptoms, and that the work I have done in life has healed many of the emotional scars I developed from growing up with this illness.  I have not experienced a major episode of depression in nearly 4 years.  At some points, my head even tries to trick me into believing it is gone altogether.  It's not.

However, I have a consistent awareness that I still have the illness.  I know it can strike at any moment, and that it is more powerful than I am.  When I have symptoms, negative thoughts, or signals I have learned can lead to an episode I don't try to "fight" them off.  Suppressing them or blaming myself only makes things worse.  I listen to them.  I let them be with the knowledge that they usually pass.  I remind myself that it is the illness, and that there is nothing wrong with me.  And when none of that works, or it becomes too hard, I get support.  Through therapy, writing, talking to a friend, or sharing it in an online support group where I know I will be understood and affirmed.  Thankfully this continues to work for me.

I'm mindful that it doesn't work for everyone.  Not all people experience depression the same way, and not all depression responds to treatment.  Some people can go to therapy, get support, eat well, exercise, take their medication, and still experience intense depression.  It is not their fault.  It's not because they are weak.  They have an illness, as do I. And at times, as it was for Robin Williams, it is fatal.

I am a Stigma Fighter

About five months ago I began writing this blog and quickly became connected with people around the world who also blog about issues related to mental illness.  Within a day of posting my first entry I was connected to someone through a mutual friend who was also a mental health blogger.  She promptly added me to a private Facebook page for mental health advocates who blog about their experiences.  It was a bit overwhelming at first to be among all these accomplished writers who were doing great things as mental health advocates, but it was also a wonderful gift.  I realized I was not alone in this endeavor, that there are thousands of people all over the world doing amazing things to raise awareness about mental illness and end the stigma and shame associated with having a mental illness.

One of those people is Sarah Fader.  She has created a webpage called Stigma Fighters where people share their stories of living with a mental illness.  It is very powerful to see people from all walks of life taking a risk and sharing their stories of suffering in order to heal themselves and others.  She is trying to take the next step and turn Stigma Fighters into a non-profit organization that would create chapters at college campuses where students who struggle can become part of a community who understands.  In order for her to take this next step, she needs to raise $5,000 to become a non-profit and set up some tours of college campuses to get things started.  

 I was so impressed by her work and I decided to get involved a bit.  I donated some money and also submitted my own story of living with mental illness to her page. Stigma Fighters is a community, and I am happy to be a part of it.  Around this time I also began following the progress of her fundraising and was surprised and disappointed to see that more people were not donating.   

I think people don't realize the severity of this problem, especially for our young people.  Suicide is the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24.  As a father of two teenagers this really scares me.  Mental illness and suicide are not things that only happen to "other people", it can happen to anyone.  There are over 1,000 suicides annually at U.S. colleges, which means an average of three people each day taking their own life on a college campus. 

Despite all of this, I still never really hear about it.  It's still a topic that is taboo and filled with shame for people.  By not talking about this issue, we are teaching our youth that it is indeed a shameful thing that should not be spoken of.  Then when youth begin to have symptoms, as many do, they feel ashamed, isolated, and don't know how to get help.  They need to know it's okay to talk about it, and they need to have a place where they can get help.  Stigma Fighters can be that place. I sincerely hope that this money can be raised so Sarah can continue moving forward with this important work.  Without a doubt I know it does and will continue to save lives.  

If you are interested in donating here is the link to her fundraising page:  http://www.funddreamer.com/campaigns/help-stigma-fighters-become-a-501c3

Why we Have to Speak Up

Around the fall of 2011 I decided I didn't want to keep my mental illness a secret anymore.  I wanted to be open, I wanted the people in my life to know, and I was tired of living in the darkness.  But I was afraid.  I worried what others would think about me.  I was still living in my own self-stigma.  I lived on the fence for a couple of years and had opened up to people in my life,  yet in many ways I was still keeping my mental illness hiding in the corner where I felt it belonged.

It's not in the corner anymore.  I'm completely out in the open now about the fact that I live with depression and anxiety.  It culminated two weeks ago when I spoke candidly in church about my experiences and the need to break the stigma.  I know my talking and posting about it makes some people uncomfortable, but I really just don't care anymore.  Not having to keep my two lives separate any longer has been a blessing for me, and I feel more than ever that I can be who I really am.  And for a while that was enough. It's already not anymore.

I have a new feeling emerging as I go through this process.  Anger.  I'm angry about the stigma, about how we don't talk about mental illness, and how this leads to a world where shame and secrecy still surround issues of mental illness and suicide.  A world where every year a million people worldwide take their own lives instead of seeking and receiving treatment, in large part because of this stigma.  We should all be outraged! And yet we're not.  Mental illness is treatable after all, and treatment saves lives.  It's not enough anymore to just be comfortable in my own skin, I need to keep pushing to bring mental illness fully into the light and break the stigma. 

I think about the fact that in the U.S., where I live, suicide is the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24.  I also think about the effect not talking about mental illness and suicide as a society has on our suicide rate, especially for our young people.  By not talking about it we are giving our youth the message that it is a shameful thing not to be spoken of.  I know there are other factors, but no wonder so many don't choose to seek treatment.  No wonder so many choose to take their own lives.   This is an illness, like cancer, that does not discriminate.  It could happen to any of us.  And for those of us who are parents, it could happen to our kids.  We need to let them know that if they do begin to have symptoms that it is okay to talk about it and seek help. 

Not too long ago I was approached by a youth who was struggling with depression.  She knew she was depressed and wanted me to tell her how she can get help.  What a wonderful thing that this youth would take the risk to talk to me and take steps to get help. However, their parents have pushed the issue aside when she has tried to bring it up.  They have also made comments like, "nobody in this family is depressed" since she has been struggling.  That's shame, that's stigma!  And sadly, it intensifies this person's feeling that there is something wrong with them.  It's an awful message to give a youth, and it's not true.  What is this person supposed to do now?  They are dependent upon their parents to get help.  How can they get help if their parents won't even acknowledge a problem exists?  This is why we have to speak up.  This is why I will continue to push awareness of mental illness.   This is why I will not stop talking about it!  I implore you to do the same.  There are many lives at stake, and we can no longer stay silent.