Around the fall of 2011 I decided I didn't want to keep my mental illness a secret anymore. I wanted to be open, I wanted the people in my life to know, and I was tired of living in the darkness. But I was afraid. I worried what others would think about me. I was still living in my own self-stigma. I lived on the fence for a couple of years and had opened up to people in my life, yet in many ways I was still keeping my mental illness hiding in the corner where I felt it belonged.
It's not in the corner anymore. I'm completely out in the open now about the fact that I live with depression and anxiety. It culminated two weeks ago when I spoke candidly in church about my experiences and the need to break the stigma. I know my talking and posting about it makes some people uncomfortable, but I really just don't care anymore. Not having to keep my two lives separate any longer has been a blessing for me, and I feel more than ever that I can be who I really am. And for a while that was enough. It's already not anymore.
I have a new feeling emerging as I go through this process. Anger. I'm angry about the stigma, about how we don't talk about mental illness, and how this leads to a world where shame and secrecy still surround issues of mental illness and suicide. A world where every year a million people worldwide take their own lives instead of seeking and receiving treatment, in large part because of this stigma. We should all be outraged! And yet we're not. Mental illness is treatable after all, and treatment saves lives. It's not enough anymore to just be comfortable in my own skin, I need to keep pushing to bring mental illness fully into the light and break the stigma.
I think about the fact that in the U.S., where I live, suicide is the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24. I also think about the effect not talking about mental illness and suicide as a society has on our suicide rate, especially for our young people. By not talking about it we are giving our youth the message that it is a shameful thing not to be spoken of. I know there are other factors, but no wonder so many don't choose to seek treatment. No wonder so many choose to take their own lives. This is an illness, like cancer, that does not discriminate. It could happen to any of us. And for those of us who are parents, it could happen to our kids. We need to let them know that if they do begin to have symptoms that it is okay to talk about it and seek help.
Not too long ago I was approached by a youth who was struggling with depression. She knew she was depressed and wanted me to tell her how she can get help. What a wonderful thing that this youth would take the risk to talk to me and take steps to get help. However, their parents have pushed the issue aside when she has tried to bring it up. They have also made comments like, "nobody in this family is depressed" since she has been struggling. That's shame, that's stigma! And sadly, it intensifies this person's feeling that there is something wrong with them. It's an awful message to give a youth, and it's not true. What is this person supposed to do now? They are dependent upon their parents to get help. How can they get help if their parents won't even acknowledge a problem exists? This is why we have to speak up. This is why I will continue to push awareness of mental illness. This is why I will not stop talking about it! I implore you to do the same. There are many lives at stake, and we can no longer stay silent.
Showing posts with label Shame. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Shame. Show all posts
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
There's no shame in having a mental illness
Sunday was not the end of my journey, but it was certainly a momentous step on my road to recovery and self-acceptance. I spoke at church about my life with depression, I was the guest speaker in place of the sermon. I was honest and open about what it's like to live with depression, the stigma, and how much work needs to be done to raise awareness. I have long envisioned my journey as a path from self-hatred to self-love and acceptance. I'm not there and will continue this journey throughout my life, but I can see how far I've come.
In my teens and early twenties I was filled with shame. It encompassed every aspect of my life and completely clouded the way I viewed myself. It affected all of my relationships. At my core I felt there was something wrong with me. I knew I wanted to be authentic and be myself, but I saw myself as shameful and unlovable so I felt the need to pretend to be something I wasn't. I hid my real feelings from the rest of the world. Despite going through a lot of therapy and really getting myself to a better place, I basically lived this way until about 3 years ago. That's when I began the process of "coming out" following my worst and scariest episode of depression. Sharing my story in public was in many ways the culmination of that process. By speaking at church I did something I've been wanting to do at some level for the last 25 years.
I told the truth. I got up in front of about 150-200 people at church and for 15 minutes I told them the truth about my experience of living with depression and anxiety. It seems like such a simple concept. But when it comes to depression and anxiety, telling the truth publicly is not easy or common. How freeing it was to be able to just get up in front of people and speak honestly about my experience with having a mental illness. As I spoke I could see that many people in the pews were crying a bit. My wife and kids were there, my parents, some of my closest friends, and a number of people who I have known for about 20 years who didn't know this about me. I shared a lot of details, but my basic message is that I have a mental illness, I lived in the darkness with it for nearly 25 years due to shame, and now I live in the open with it and have become a mental health advocate. All the different work I have done over the years led me to a point where I was comfortable enough to speak about it publicly. When I was finished people clapped, and we are not a church where clapping really happens. They clapped for a long time. I was so humbled by this, I never thought this day would come and then to have such a positive response was wonderful!
It was clear that sharing my story had an effect on people. I had a lot of people come up to me after the service to talk to me or just offer a supportive hug. Some "came out" to me, others asked how they go about getting help, many shared about their family members who have suffered or still do suffer. I realized yet again that we are all affected by mental illness, either directly or indirectly. People may not accept it or talk about it, but it's there. It seems to be everywhere.
I have only begun to process what all of this means to me. I do know I really liked it and would welcome other opportunities to share my story publicly. I think my biggest takeaway so far is the power of simply talking about mental illness honestly. People have been telling me since I started blogging and being open about depression that I am brave and courageous. I don't know about that, but the fact that they think I am courageous brings light to the level of taboo and stigma that still surrounds this topic. So many, and often with good reason, suffer in shame and isolation. People are still told by parents, partners, and friends to "just get over it" or "stop feeling sorry for yourself". I know this because some have confided this in me over the last several months. This makes me so sad. We need to talk about it, and people need to understand that it is an illness. It actually is a matter of life and death Mental illness is not a sign of weakness, it's not a character flaw, and it's not your fault if you are suffering! I have hope that change is happening. There are many of us coming out in the open and letting the world know there is no shame in having a mental illness. I finally know I am not alone, and that's a feeling I want everyone who suffers from a mental illness to be able to experience!
In my teens and early twenties I was filled with shame. It encompassed every aspect of my life and completely clouded the way I viewed myself. It affected all of my relationships. At my core I felt there was something wrong with me. I knew I wanted to be authentic and be myself, but I saw myself as shameful and unlovable so I felt the need to pretend to be something I wasn't. I hid my real feelings from the rest of the world. Despite going through a lot of therapy and really getting myself to a better place, I basically lived this way until about 3 years ago. That's when I began the process of "coming out" following my worst and scariest episode of depression. Sharing my story in public was in many ways the culmination of that process. By speaking at church I did something I've been wanting to do at some level for the last 25 years.
I told the truth. I got up in front of about 150-200 people at church and for 15 minutes I told them the truth about my experience of living with depression and anxiety. It seems like such a simple concept. But when it comes to depression and anxiety, telling the truth publicly is not easy or common. How freeing it was to be able to just get up in front of people and speak honestly about my experience with having a mental illness. As I spoke I could see that many people in the pews were crying a bit. My wife and kids were there, my parents, some of my closest friends, and a number of people who I have known for about 20 years who didn't know this about me. I shared a lot of details, but my basic message is that I have a mental illness, I lived in the darkness with it for nearly 25 years due to shame, and now I live in the open with it and have become a mental health advocate. All the different work I have done over the years led me to a point where I was comfortable enough to speak about it publicly. When I was finished people clapped, and we are not a church where clapping really happens. They clapped for a long time. I was so humbled by this, I never thought this day would come and then to have such a positive response was wonderful!
It was clear that sharing my story had an effect on people. I had a lot of people come up to me after the service to talk to me or just offer a supportive hug. Some "came out" to me, others asked how they go about getting help, many shared about their family members who have suffered or still do suffer. I realized yet again that we are all affected by mental illness, either directly or indirectly. People may not accept it or talk about it, but it's there. It seems to be everywhere.
I have only begun to process what all of this means to me. I do know I really liked it and would welcome other opportunities to share my story publicly. I think my biggest takeaway so far is the power of simply talking about mental illness honestly. People have been telling me since I started blogging and being open about depression that I am brave and courageous. I don't know about that, but the fact that they think I am courageous brings light to the level of taboo and stigma that still surrounds this topic. So many, and often with good reason, suffer in shame and isolation. People are still told by parents, partners, and friends to "just get over it" or "stop feeling sorry for yourself". I know this because some have confided this in me over the last several months. This makes me so sad. We need to talk about it, and people need to understand that it is an illness. It actually is a matter of life and death Mental illness is not a sign of weakness, it's not a character flaw, and it's not your fault if you are suffering! I have hope that change is happening. There are many of us coming out in the open and letting the world know there is no shame in having a mental illness. I finally know I am not alone, and that's a feeling I want everyone who suffers from a mental illness to be able to experience!
Friday, August 29, 2014
Battling shame
Now that I'm back in the full swing of school there is less time for writing on here, but I'm still trying to write something about once a week just to keep the momentum going. This past week has been better overall with the negative thinking, and I'm getting back in the swing of things with school. One of the biggest struggles I have going on right now would be the fact that I'm trying to change some habits around eating and exercise.
In therapy the other day I realized, once again, how difficult it is for me to let myself be human and imperfect. I have no problem allowing that to others, but not so much for myself. I had so much trouble just talking about wanting to eat better and exercise more. I was ashamed of the fact that I have put on some weight over the last several years and don't always make the best choices when it comes to what I eat and drink. Shame is a feeling that comes up often for me, and it came up again this week in therapy when talking about this topic. Shame is not something I like to admit to, but I know it's a common experience for people who live with depression and other mental illnesses. The truth is that it is deeply ingrained in me that there is something wrong with me. It is just something I have to grapple with on a fairly regular basis. This despite the massive amounts of evidence in my life to the contrary. That's the depression in action.
I know that with shame the best thing to do is put it out there. Keeping things inside only makes me feel more isolated and alone. Exposing shame to light takes away some of it's power, admitting to how I really feel often empowers me. My shame often comes from the fact that I feel different, alone, or like I'm the only one that struggles with whatever it is that I'm struggling with. My therapist asked me if I thought I was the only one who struggles with eating healthy and exercising. It was kind of comical because of course I know I'm not the only one. And yet, at a feeling level I do feel that way sometimes. There's a part of me that thinks I'm the only one who experiences any difficulty in life. Again, the depression in action.
So I am trying to make some healthier choices and also not be so hard on myself when I don't do it perfectly. One of the positive things I'm doing, that I actually started doing several months ago, is yoga. Beginning to practice yoga has been really great for me. In addition to it helping me get back into shape a bit more and gain some strength and flexibility, the spiritual aspect of yoga is really amazing. The practice of yoga is like the opposite of shame. The teachers will often say things about recognizing thoughts and feelings without judgment. Some have even literally said to the class you are perfect just as you are. It seems to be kind of the message and energy of people who teach yoga. The clear message I always get when I'm in yoga is that I am perfectly fine just the way I am. What an amazing and beautiful concept!
So I will move imperfectly forward in my attempt to practice more healthy habits. I will try and remind myself that I'm not alone, and that everyone struggles with something. Nobody is immune to suffering and difficulty in life. And most importantly, I will continue to write and talk about all of this both here and in other places. The truth continues to be that I am perfectly imperfect, whether I'm feeling and believing it or not.
In therapy the other day I realized, once again, how difficult it is for me to let myself be human and imperfect. I have no problem allowing that to others, but not so much for myself. I had so much trouble just talking about wanting to eat better and exercise more. I was ashamed of the fact that I have put on some weight over the last several years and don't always make the best choices when it comes to what I eat and drink. Shame is a feeling that comes up often for me, and it came up again this week in therapy when talking about this topic. Shame is not something I like to admit to, but I know it's a common experience for people who live with depression and other mental illnesses. The truth is that it is deeply ingrained in me that there is something wrong with me. It is just something I have to grapple with on a fairly regular basis. This despite the massive amounts of evidence in my life to the contrary. That's the depression in action.
I know that with shame the best thing to do is put it out there. Keeping things inside only makes me feel more isolated and alone. Exposing shame to light takes away some of it's power, admitting to how I really feel often empowers me. My shame often comes from the fact that I feel different, alone, or like I'm the only one that struggles with whatever it is that I'm struggling with. My therapist asked me if I thought I was the only one who struggles with eating healthy and exercising. It was kind of comical because of course I know I'm not the only one. And yet, at a feeling level I do feel that way sometimes. There's a part of me that thinks I'm the only one who experiences any difficulty in life. Again, the depression in action.
So I am trying to make some healthier choices and also not be so hard on myself when I don't do it perfectly. One of the positive things I'm doing, that I actually started doing several months ago, is yoga. Beginning to practice yoga has been really great for me. In addition to it helping me get back into shape a bit more and gain some strength and flexibility, the spiritual aspect of yoga is really amazing. The practice of yoga is like the opposite of shame. The teachers will often say things about recognizing thoughts and feelings without judgment. Some have even literally said to the class you are perfect just as you are. It seems to be kind of the message and energy of people who teach yoga. The clear message I always get when I'm in yoga is that I am perfectly fine just the way I am. What an amazing and beautiful concept!
So I will move imperfectly forward in my attempt to practice more healthy habits. I will try and remind myself that I'm not alone, and that everyone struggles with something. Nobody is immune to suffering and difficulty in life. And most importantly, I will continue to write and talk about all of this both here and in other places. The truth continues to be that I am perfectly imperfect, whether I'm feeling and believing it or not.
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