I wanted to write something to mark and celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. day. I was born a little over a year after he was assassinated, but he still had a major impact on my life. When I was in my late teens and early 20's I was dealing with depression and anxiety but didn't know it at the time. I felt painfully isolated and disconnected from what I perceived to be a cruel world. Reading his writings and learning about his courage in standing up to injustice inspired me. Despite the fact that I was completely unhappy I knew I wanted this in my life. I wanted to make a difference. I still do.
Here I am 25 years later, having healed so much from the scars of living with depression and anxiety, and I still look around and see a cruel world much of the time. As a teacher I see decisions being made that are not in the best interest of students. I look on Facebook and see my fellow teachers calling each other names and putting each other down simply because they disagree. I see an educational system that is being driven by people who don't understand a thing about teaching or have the least bit of concern for the children we are supposed to be serving. I see students at my school who live in homes filled with violence, addiction, and abuse. And then I look at statistics and see that every year nearly a million people attempt to take their own lives. In sum, I see a broken world filled with suffering.
All of this hurts my heart, it makes me lose hope, and it just simply gets me down. It challenges my mental health on a daily basis. What it all has in common is that we seem so quick to dehumanize each other and there is a complete lack of compassion. We forget that everyone has value. We forget that we are more alike than we are different. I desperately long for a world filled with more acceptance and kindness. A world like the one Dr. King envisioned.
In addition to this, I also see many positive things in the world. I have amazing friends and family who love me for who I am. I am part of a church community that works to serve those in need and where everyone is truly welcome. I work with a principal and a group of teachers who put children first and set their egos aside to help students feel connected and make progress. All students! In the last six months I have met so many people in the mental health community who are doing amazing things to bring hope and love to people suffering with mental illness. This discovery has been like finding a home I never knew existed. I rarely feel alone these days. There are multiple people in real life and online who I can reach out to when times are difficult. This gives me hope, makes me feel strong and connected, and empowers me to keep working.
I struggle to reconcile these two worlds. How do I stay positive and maintain my mental health without living in complete denial of the problems around me? My most recent attempt has been to avoid all of the negativity that I can. On Facebook I have hidden my school district's union page from my feed for my own sanity. There is just too much bickering, negativity, and disrespect. I can still check it if need be to stay updated on things happening, but it is not forced upon me. I have done the same with several of my "friends" that post things that I find to be toxic. I even removed several of them completely. In real life I have a good bullshit radar and tend to naturally gravitate towards healthy and supportive people. However, there are angry and bitter people I come into contact with just naturally. People who I find to be passive-aggressive, who don't communicate directly, and who are generally negative. I have been working to not personalize the behavior of these people. It's still very hard.
In my life, in addition to my family, I have two basic passions. Teaching and mental health. As a teacher I am passionate about children having a safe environment where they feel empowered and valued. I am passionate in my belief that students are more than test scores, and that their social and emotional growth is every bit as important as their academic success. My other, and more recently developed, passion is that as a mental health advocate. I want mental illness to be seen just the same way as any other illness. I want there to be no shame associated with having a mental illness. I want people to be able to reach out without fear of judgment when they feel hopeless, alone, and suicidal. We have a long way to go, but this is my work in life. .
Teaching is my profession and I love it, but mental health advocacy is where I've found home. Living with depression and anxiety has shaped and continues to shape every aspect of my life, and finding a community of people who share my passion and experiences has been the most life changing experience of my life. In the last six months I have found my voice for the first time. I never believed it would be possible to live openly with my mental illness. I never dreamed that I would be able to use my suffering to help others. And yet, here I am doing just that.
Dr. King stood up for what he believed in and constantly preached peace, love, and non-violence. While I'm no Dr. King, I also have my own dream about how I can change the world. In searching around this morning I found a quote from him, "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter". It seems rare that people really speak about things that truly matter these days. We are a country divided and our leaders are not working together to make the world a better place for it's citizens. It's up to us. We all have our passions, we all have the capacity to use them to make our worlds kinder and more full of love. And the world can never have too much love and compassion.
Monday, January 19, 2015
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Coming back out of my Shell
I haven't posted anything for a while, probably about a month. I feel like I've lost my voice and confidence in writing. I could say it's been about being busy, and while I have been, I've also been avoiding my blog. As a matter of fact, I've been questioning whether I would just quit doing my blog altogether. I'm not going to. Something happened in the last week that has reminded me a bit about why I write. So here I am, writing again.
I was having a conversation with a friend and they brought up the topic of my blog. They thanked me for writing and told me they had some mental health struggles of their own that they are starting to get help with, but they are not ready to be open about it. They also told me that when they read what I write it's like I am inside their head writing their thoughts. I really needed to hear that. I know it's important to feel good about myself without the affirmation of others, but sometimes I just really need to hear that what I'm doing is helpful. It's hard to write things and not get any feedback, not know if anyone is reading it or getting anything out of it.
This helped me remember one of the main reasons I write, and that is to let others know they are not alone. Being out in the open now it's easy to forget how isolating it can be to suffer alone. Heck, it's unbearably painful at times living openly. And I guess that is my point. In this conversation I had with my friend they mentioned several times that they didn't want to tell people because of the judgment they would face. Battling any mental health issues is hard work, and adding the need to keep it from people can be so isolating and painful. So even if people don't come out in the open, just knowing someone can relate and understands can make a big difference. I know it does for me, and if my blog can do that for others than it is worth it.
But I don't only write for others, I also write for myself. Living with depression and anxiety means that it's easy for me to want to crawl back in my shell when things get difficult. It's easy to lose my confidence and not want to keep putting myself out there. That's where I've been for a bit. Putting things out to the world helps take the shame away from me, and helps me feel more connected.
In the spirit of putting things out there, I will share two things with you. I'll start with a challenge and finish with some exciting news. Today I'm feeling horrible. Tomorrow the family goes back to work and school, and the dread is weighing on me today. This has been a challenging year for both of my kids, and the weekly routine and homework battles have been much more stressful than normal. While I love my job and have an amazing class of 4th graders this year, there is increased stress there as well with massive changes and a lack of leadership and support from the district I work for. I know I'll be fine once I get going on the routine, but for today it's dread and a complete lack of energy to do anything.
Despite my current mood, I also have good news as well. I submitted an application yesterday to be part of a speakers bureau for Stop Stigma Sacramento. I am not familiar with how it all works exactly, but I know that members of the speakers bureau share their stories at schools, businesses and other places in order to erase the stigma surrounding mental illness. I'm terrified of this, but I know my fear will not decrease until I just do it. So I will. I'm not sure how quickly it will come together, but I'm excited to have taken that first step of submitting my application. In the meantime, I'll continue to remember and trust that I can do this. Not only that, but I know it will open new doors for me and help me grow and heal.
I was having a conversation with a friend and they brought up the topic of my blog. They thanked me for writing and told me they had some mental health struggles of their own that they are starting to get help with, but they are not ready to be open about it. They also told me that when they read what I write it's like I am inside their head writing their thoughts. I really needed to hear that. I know it's important to feel good about myself without the affirmation of others, but sometimes I just really need to hear that what I'm doing is helpful. It's hard to write things and not get any feedback, not know if anyone is reading it or getting anything out of it.
This helped me remember one of the main reasons I write, and that is to let others know they are not alone. Being out in the open now it's easy to forget how isolating it can be to suffer alone. Heck, it's unbearably painful at times living openly. And I guess that is my point. In this conversation I had with my friend they mentioned several times that they didn't want to tell people because of the judgment they would face. Battling any mental health issues is hard work, and adding the need to keep it from people can be so isolating and painful. So even if people don't come out in the open, just knowing someone can relate and understands can make a big difference. I know it does for me, and if my blog can do that for others than it is worth it.
But I don't only write for others, I also write for myself. Living with depression and anxiety means that it's easy for me to want to crawl back in my shell when things get difficult. It's easy to lose my confidence and not want to keep putting myself out there. That's where I've been for a bit. Putting things out to the world helps take the shame away from me, and helps me feel more connected.
In the spirit of putting things out there, I will share two things with you. I'll start with a challenge and finish with some exciting news. Today I'm feeling horrible. Tomorrow the family goes back to work and school, and the dread is weighing on me today. This has been a challenging year for both of my kids, and the weekly routine and homework battles have been much more stressful than normal. While I love my job and have an amazing class of 4th graders this year, there is increased stress there as well with massive changes and a lack of leadership and support from the district I work for. I know I'll be fine once I get going on the routine, but for today it's dread and a complete lack of energy to do anything.
Despite my current mood, I also have good news as well. I submitted an application yesterday to be part of a speakers bureau for Stop Stigma Sacramento. I am not familiar with how it all works exactly, but I know that members of the speakers bureau share their stories at schools, businesses and other places in order to erase the stigma surrounding mental illness. I'm terrified of this, but I know my fear will not decrease until I just do it. So I will. I'm not sure how quickly it will come together, but I'm excited to have taken that first step of submitting my application. In the meantime, I'll continue to remember and trust that I can do this. Not only that, but I know it will open new doors for me and help me grow and heal.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Self Care Progress, Kind Of
I happen to be in a profession that really takes a toll on my body.
Being an elementary school teacher I am on stage for nearly 6 hours a
day and it is extremely exhausting work. I love it and I'm good at it,
but it really wears me down. I often get sick about this time of year, and it has happened again.
I'm grateful to have a boss that understands that family and your health need to come before work, but it's still hard to take time away when I need it. The students don't generally respond well to substitutes, and when I come back there is often something to deal with that happened while I was gone. On top of that, it typically takes about an hour or more to get the plans together to have a substitute in your class. It's not the kind of job where you can just wake up and call in sick.
It was this exact week last year, the week before Christmas break from school, that I was home in bed all week beginning my recovery from pneumonia. I remember the week before I had noticed a cold or something developing in my chest. However, instead of recognizing the signs and slowing down I ignored it and thought I could push through it until Christmas break. Well, that didn't turn out too well. Being so sick was scary, and being in bed for over a week definitely got my attention. This past year I've really tried to work on taking better care of myself and recognizing the signs my body gives me. I've had mixed results.
I'd like to tell you that I've made all of these dramatic changes; that I exercise regularly, eat well, and get consistent sleep. As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety I know the importance of these things for my well being. But if I told you that I'd be lying. I exercise occasionally, I love beer and ice cream, and sometimes I stay up too late on work nights and don't get enough sleep. The unavoidable stress of having two dogs, two teenage boys, and a busy job definitely play a role in all of this. I try to remember this and do my best. I think a big part of my self care is not expecting perfection, and to be gentle with myself when I don't make the best choices.
As often is the case, I had another opportunity this week to make a better choice given similar circumstances. On Saturday, which was the exact day last year that I was diagnosed with pneumonia, I began feeling that congestion in my chest and the exhaustion of an oncoming illness. But this time I listened to my body. I rested that whole day and Sunday also. Then I went to work yesterday and took it as easy as I could on a rainy day with kids in the room all day. During the times they were working and inside recess time I diligently worked on my sub plans for today. So now I am home resting and trying to get over this thing. I cancelled my therapy appointment for today and I took a long nap. I'm far from perfect when it comes to taking care of my body, but I can celebrate the fact that I listened better to my body this year than I did last year. I'm hoping that means it will pass quickly and not linger into my Christmas break.
I'm grateful to have a boss that understands that family and your health need to come before work, but it's still hard to take time away when I need it. The students don't generally respond well to substitutes, and when I come back there is often something to deal with that happened while I was gone. On top of that, it typically takes about an hour or more to get the plans together to have a substitute in your class. It's not the kind of job where you can just wake up and call in sick.
It was this exact week last year, the week before Christmas break from school, that I was home in bed all week beginning my recovery from pneumonia. I remember the week before I had noticed a cold or something developing in my chest. However, instead of recognizing the signs and slowing down I ignored it and thought I could push through it until Christmas break. Well, that didn't turn out too well. Being so sick was scary, and being in bed for over a week definitely got my attention. This past year I've really tried to work on taking better care of myself and recognizing the signs my body gives me. I've had mixed results.
I'd like to tell you that I've made all of these dramatic changes; that I exercise regularly, eat well, and get consistent sleep. As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety I know the importance of these things for my well being. But if I told you that I'd be lying. I exercise occasionally, I love beer and ice cream, and sometimes I stay up too late on work nights and don't get enough sleep. The unavoidable stress of having two dogs, two teenage boys, and a busy job definitely play a role in all of this. I try to remember this and do my best. I think a big part of my self care is not expecting perfection, and to be gentle with myself when I don't make the best choices.
As often is the case, I had another opportunity this week to make a better choice given similar circumstances. On Saturday, which was the exact day last year that I was diagnosed with pneumonia, I began feeling that congestion in my chest and the exhaustion of an oncoming illness. But this time I listened to my body. I rested that whole day and Sunday also. Then I went to work yesterday and took it as easy as I could on a rainy day with kids in the room all day. During the times they were working and inside recess time I diligently worked on my sub plans for today. So now I am home resting and trying to get over this thing. I cancelled my therapy appointment for today and I took a long nap. I'm far from perfect when it comes to taking care of my body, but I can celebrate the fact that I listened better to my body this year than I did last year. I'm hoping that means it will pass quickly and not linger into my Christmas break.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
I am a Stigma Fighter
About five months ago I began writing this blog and quickly became connected with people around the world who also blog about issues related to mental illness. Within a day of posting my first entry I was connected to someone through a mutual friend who was also a mental health blogger. She promptly added me to a private Facebook page for mental health advocates who blog about their experiences. It was a bit overwhelming at first to be among all these accomplished writers who were doing great things as mental health advocates, but it was also a wonderful gift. I realized I was not alone in this endeavor, that there are thousands of people all over the world doing amazing things to raise awareness about mental illness and end the stigma and shame associated with having a mental illness.
One of those people is Sarah Fader. She has created a webpage called Stigma Fighters where people share their stories of living with a mental illness. It is very powerful to see people from all walks of life taking a risk and sharing their stories of suffering in order to heal themselves and others. She is trying to take the next step and turn Stigma Fighters into a non-profit organization that would create chapters at college campuses where students who struggle can become part of a community who understands. In order for her to take this next step, she needs to raise $5,000 to become a non-profit and set up some tours of college campuses to get things started.
I was so impressed by her work and I decided to get involved a bit. I donated some money and also submitted my own story of living with mental illness to her page. Stigma Fighters is a community, and I am happy to be a part of it. Around this time I also began following the progress of her fundraising and was surprised and disappointed to see that more people were not donating.
I think people don't realize the severity of this problem, especially for our young people. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24. As a father of two teenagers this really scares me. Mental illness and suicide are not things that only happen to "other people", it can happen to anyone. There are over 1,000 suicides annually at U.S. colleges, which means an average of three people each day taking their own life on a college campus.
Despite all of this, I still never really hear about it. It's still a topic that is taboo and filled with shame for people. By not talking about this issue, we are teaching our youth that it is indeed a shameful thing that should not be spoken of. Then when youth begin to have symptoms, as many do, they feel ashamed, isolated, and don't know how to get help. They need to know it's okay to talk about it, and they need to have a place where they can get help. Stigma Fighters can be that place. I sincerely hope that this money can be raised so Sarah can continue moving forward with this important work. Without a doubt I know it does and will continue to save lives.
If you are interested in donating here is the link to her fundraising page: http://www.funddreamer.com/campaigns/help-stigma-fighters-become-a-501c3
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Staying Afloat
I haven't been able to write for several weeks now. I'm not really sure why, but I have a few theories. First, ever since I shared my story of living with depression publicly at church about a month ago I just am not sure what to talk about. That was such an intense experience that maybe I just felt like I needed to crawl back in my shell for a bit? Another possible theory is the "my life is crazy" theory. This has been a really tough last several months for me. Both of my sons are having difficult years in school (10th and 7th grade) and the tension and conflict in the house is really creating a lot of stress. On top of this we got a new dog, a one year old bulldog, right around the time school started. She is having a harder time of settling in than we had hoped, and it really feels similar to having a toddler back in the house. She chews things and we need to watch her most of the time. The combination of these two things has me so busy and stressed I don't often have time to slow down and reflect.
Whatever the reason, I don't like it. I miss writing, I miss publishing things, and I miss the cathartic experience of putting things on "paper" and sharing it with the world. When life is stressful I need that release that writing brings me even more. So here I am, trying again to write. Seeing what may come. I'm guessing this won't be one of my better posts, and it will likely reflect where my mind is right now. Scattered.
These last several weeks have been particularly challenging. Truthfully, we are at the point of not being sure if we will be able to keep our new dog. This is a really difficult decision to make because our youngest son has become really attached to her and we worry about the effect giving her up would have on him. We have a trainer we have worked with before, and are going to give that a shot before making any decisions. Part of this is that she requires so much attention and energy, and our boys haven't been as helpful as we had hoped. They are struggling to keep up with their workload in school as it is.
So in this time the question I am often asked by my therapist is, "What can you do to take care of yourself?" Well... I suppose that's an area where I'm a bit of a mixed bag right now. On the one hand, I'm going to yoga once or twice a week. I really love yoga and it clears my head and gives me a fresh perspective most of the time. On the other hand, I find myself turning to alcohol a bit more frequently after a stressful day. Not an excessive amount, but it likely makes me more worn out in the long run. I think my biggest barrier to self-care though is just being hard on myself. Expecting myself to be perfect, getting down on myself for not always reacting in the best way when things get tough with my sons. Life is just hard sometimes, and now is one of those times. This is always a difficult time of year with the days getting shorter, the long stretch of school from August to November without many breaks, and just getting worn down. I need to remind myself that I don't have to be perfect. I need to remember all of the good things that I do, and not dwell on my struggles but learn from them. I need to keep writing, connecting, and reaching out when I feel overwhelmed and disconnected. I'm starting to do those things a bit more this last week, and I can feel the difference.
So despite the fact that my household feels much like a battle zone these days, I am hanging in there. I am doing my very best to be a good parent, husband, teacher, and person while still working to take care of myself. I'm certainly not doing it perfectly, but that isn't my goal anyway. Doing my best, being transparent about what is happening, and living with the results is what I'm striving for.
Whatever the reason, I don't like it. I miss writing, I miss publishing things, and I miss the cathartic experience of putting things on "paper" and sharing it with the world. When life is stressful I need that release that writing brings me even more. So here I am, trying again to write. Seeing what may come. I'm guessing this won't be one of my better posts, and it will likely reflect where my mind is right now. Scattered.
These last several weeks have been particularly challenging. Truthfully, we are at the point of not being sure if we will be able to keep our new dog. This is a really difficult decision to make because our youngest son has become really attached to her and we worry about the effect giving her up would have on him. We have a trainer we have worked with before, and are going to give that a shot before making any decisions. Part of this is that she requires so much attention and energy, and our boys haven't been as helpful as we had hoped. They are struggling to keep up with their workload in school as it is.
So in this time the question I am often asked by my therapist is, "What can you do to take care of yourself?" Well... I suppose that's an area where I'm a bit of a mixed bag right now. On the one hand, I'm going to yoga once or twice a week. I really love yoga and it clears my head and gives me a fresh perspective most of the time. On the other hand, I find myself turning to alcohol a bit more frequently after a stressful day. Not an excessive amount, but it likely makes me more worn out in the long run. I think my biggest barrier to self-care though is just being hard on myself. Expecting myself to be perfect, getting down on myself for not always reacting in the best way when things get tough with my sons. Life is just hard sometimes, and now is one of those times. This is always a difficult time of year with the days getting shorter, the long stretch of school from August to November without many breaks, and just getting worn down. I need to remind myself that I don't have to be perfect. I need to remember all of the good things that I do, and not dwell on my struggles but learn from them. I need to keep writing, connecting, and reaching out when I feel overwhelmed and disconnected. I'm starting to do those things a bit more this last week, and I can feel the difference.
So despite the fact that my household feels much like a battle zone these days, I am hanging in there. I am doing my very best to be a good parent, husband, teacher, and person while still working to take care of myself. I'm certainly not doing it perfectly, but that isn't my goal anyway. Doing my best, being transparent about what is happening, and living with the results is what I'm striving for.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
A Bump in the Road
It's hard for me to say I'm not doing okay. But that's where I was much of today. My depression and anxiety are lying to me. I don't believe them, but it's still been a hard day. I've been having negative thoughts about myself, overreacting to things, and I just wanted to hide in a corner somewhere. And truthfully, sometimes in these moments hiding in a corner for a while is the best thing I can do.
I was already feeling a bit off when I woke up this morning, it seems it's been building up for a week or so with the stress and just feeling not quite right. Being overly busy, which I have been for over a month, can trigger a mood like this. Especially once I have a bit of down time like I have had this weekend. Today at church was youth Sunday, which meant both of my sons would be participating in the service in one way or another. One was leading the prayer and the other was playing his electric bass with the band and reading scripture. It "should" have been a happy and proud moment for me, but when I'm feeling bad it doesn't really matter what's happening on the outside. I am proud of my sons and they did a great job, but my actual experience at church was mostly one of self-judgment and social anxiety.
One of my sons was also having a difficult time before church and I didn't handle it very well at all. I was reactive instead of trying to be understanding. I felt the wrath of his anger for that one, which sent me a bit deeper. During church I was thinking a lot about what a bad father I was, though my thoughts attacked me in other ways as well. I know I'm not a bad father, but those thoughts are very real and powerful. There were moments throughout the service, which I can objectively say was beautifully done, where I escaped the fog and enjoyed it. The music was great and the teen who gave the sermon was inspiring. But the negative thoughts kept coming back and after the service they kicked back in completely. I've learned that, at these moments, it is best for me to just get away. Of course, this isn't always an option. So I stuck it out and then headed home once I was able..
Now that I'm home and some time has passed I can already look at the experience with a little bit of perspective. It is very hard to be out in public and interact when I'm not thinking straight. Battling negative thoughts and feelings while I'm surrounded by people connecting with each other is hard. So is having conversations with people while my head is filled with negativity and heaviness. One thing I've improved on in these moments is being less judgmental of myself. I had the awareness today, even in the moment, that the thoughts aren't reality and they will pass. I was able to get myself home and start getting myself back together. I took a nap, went to yoga, and tonight I'm feeling a little bit better.
I still don't fully understand my depression and anxiety. It has a mind of its own, comes and goes when it pleases, and I can't always predict when and where it will emerge. Today was definitely a ride it out day. I went through the motions, I did the tiring work of challenging my negative thoughts, and I made it through the day. I don't like it, but it's part of living with depression. Oddly enough, I'd call it a successful day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
I was already feeling a bit off when I woke up this morning, it seems it's been building up for a week or so with the stress and just feeling not quite right. Being overly busy, which I have been for over a month, can trigger a mood like this. Especially once I have a bit of down time like I have had this weekend. Today at church was youth Sunday, which meant both of my sons would be participating in the service in one way or another. One was leading the prayer and the other was playing his electric bass with the band and reading scripture. It "should" have been a happy and proud moment for me, but when I'm feeling bad it doesn't really matter what's happening on the outside. I am proud of my sons and they did a great job, but my actual experience at church was mostly one of self-judgment and social anxiety.
One of my sons was also having a difficult time before church and I didn't handle it very well at all. I was reactive instead of trying to be understanding. I felt the wrath of his anger for that one, which sent me a bit deeper. During church I was thinking a lot about what a bad father I was, though my thoughts attacked me in other ways as well. I know I'm not a bad father, but those thoughts are very real and powerful. There were moments throughout the service, which I can objectively say was beautifully done, where I escaped the fog and enjoyed it. The music was great and the teen who gave the sermon was inspiring. But the negative thoughts kept coming back and after the service they kicked back in completely. I've learned that, at these moments, it is best for me to just get away. Of course, this isn't always an option. So I stuck it out and then headed home once I was able..
Now that I'm home and some time has passed I can already look at the experience with a little bit of perspective. It is very hard to be out in public and interact when I'm not thinking straight. Battling negative thoughts and feelings while I'm surrounded by people connecting with each other is hard. So is having conversations with people while my head is filled with negativity and heaviness. One thing I've improved on in these moments is being less judgmental of myself. I had the awareness today, even in the moment, that the thoughts aren't reality and they will pass. I was able to get myself home and start getting myself back together. I took a nap, went to yoga, and tonight I'm feeling a little bit better.
I still don't fully understand my depression and anxiety. It has a mind of its own, comes and goes when it pleases, and I can't always predict when and where it will emerge. Today was definitely a ride it out day. I went through the motions, I did the tiring work of challenging my negative thoughts, and I made it through the day. I don't like it, but it's part of living with depression. Oddly enough, I'd call it a successful day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Why we Have to Speak Up
Around the fall of 2011 I decided I didn't want to keep my mental illness a secret anymore. I wanted to be open, I wanted the people in my life to know, and I was tired of living in the darkness. But I was afraid. I worried what others would think about me. I was still living in my own self-stigma. I lived on the fence for a couple of years and had opened up to people in my life, yet in many ways I was still keeping my mental illness hiding in the corner where I felt it belonged.
It's not in the corner anymore. I'm completely out in the open now about the fact that I live with depression and anxiety. It culminated two weeks ago when I spoke candidly in church about my experiences and the need to break the stigma. I know my talking and posting about it makes some people uncomfortable, but I really just don't care anymore. Not having to keep my two lives separate any longer has been a blessing for me, and I feel more than ever that I can be who I really am. And for a while that was enough. It's already not anymore.
I have a new feeling emerging as I go through this process. Anger. I'm angry about the stigma, about how we don't talk about mental illness, and how this leads to a world where shame and secrecy still surround issues of mental illness and suicide. A world where every year a million people worldwide take their own lives instead of seeking and receiving treatment, in large part because of this stigma. We should all be outraged! And yet we're not. Mental illness is treatable after all, and treatment saves lives. It's not enough anymore to just be comfortable in my own skin, I need to keep pushing to bring mental illness fully into the light and break the stigma.
I think about the fact that in the U.S., where I live, suicide is the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24. I also think about the effect not talking about mental illness and suicide as a society has on our suicide rate, especially for our young people. By not talking about it we are giving our youth the message that it is a shameful thing not to be spoken of. I know there are other factors, but no wonder so many don't choose to seek treatment. No wonder so many choose to take their own lives. This is an illness, like cancer, that does not discriminate. It could happen to any of us. And for those of us who are parents, it could happen to our kids. We need to let them know that if they do begin to have symptoms that it is okay to talk about it and seek help.
Not too long ago I was approached by a youth who was struggling with depression. She knew she was depressed and wanted me to tell her how she can get help. What a wonderful thing that this youth would take the risk to talk to me and take steps to get help. However, their parents have pushed the issue aside when she has tried to bring it up. They have also made comments like, "nobody in this family is depressed" since she has been struggling. That's shame, that's stigma! And sadly, it intensifies this person's feeling that there is something wrong with them. It's an awful message to give a youth, and it's not true. What is this person supposed to do now? They are dependent upon their parents to get help. How can they get help if their parents won't even acknowledge a problem exists? This is why we have to speak up. This is why I will continue to push awareness of mental illness. This is why I will not stop talking about it! I implore you to do the same. There are many lives at stake, and we can no longer stay silent.
It's not in the corner anymore. I'm completely out in the open now about the fact that I live with depression and anxiety. It culminated two weeks ago when I spoke candidly in church about my experiences and the need to break the stigma. I know my talking and posting about it makes some people uncomfortable, but I really just don't care anymore. Not having to keep my two lives separate any longer has been a blessing for me, and I feel more than ever that I can be who I really am. And for a while that was enough. It's already not anymore.
I have a new feeling emerging as I go through this process. Anger. I'm angry about the stigma, about how we don't talk about mental illness, and how this leads to a world where shame and secrecy still surround issues of mental illness and suicide. A world where every year a million people worldwide take their own lives instead of seeking and receiving treatment, in large part because of this stigma. We should all be outraged! And yet we're not. Mental illness is treatable after all, and treatment saves lives. It's not enough anymore to just be comfortable in my own skin, I need to keep pushing to bring mental illness fully into the light and break the stigma.
I think about the fact that in the U.S., where I live, suicide is the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24. I also think about the effect not talking about mental illness and suicide as a society has on our suicide rate, especially for our young people. By not talking about it we are giving our youth the message that it is a shameful thing not to be spoken of. I know there are other factors, but no wonder so many don't choose to seek treatment. No wonder so many choose to take their own lives. This is an illness, like cancer, that does not discriminate. It could happen to any of us. And for those of us who are parents, it could happen to our kids. We need to let them know that if they do begin to have symptoms that it is okay to talk about it and seek help.
Not too long ago I was approached by a youth who was struggling with depression. She knew she was depressed and wanted me to tell her how she can get help. What a wonderful thing that this youth would take the risk to talk to me and take steps to get help. However, their parents have pushed the issue aside when she has tried to bring it up. They have also made comments like, "nobody in this family is depressed" since she has been struggling. That's shame, that's stigma! And sadly, it intensifies this person's feeling that there is something wrong with them. It's an awful message to give a youth, and it's not true. What is this person supposed to do now? They are dependent upon their parents to get help. How can they get help if their parents won't even acknowledge a problem exists? This is why we have to speak up. This is why I will continue to push awareness of mental illness. This is why I will not stop talking about it! I implore you to do the same. There are many lives at stake, and we can no longer stay silent.
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