It's hard for me to say I'm not doing okay. But that's where I was much of today. My depression and anxiety are lying to me. I don't believe them, but it's still been a hard day. I've been having negative thoughts about myself, overreacting to things, and I just wanted to hide in a corner somewhere. And truthfully, sometimes in these moments hiding in a corner for a while is the best thing I can do.
I was already feeling a bit off when I woke up this morning, it seems it's been building up for a week or so with the stress and just feeling not quite right. Being overly busy, which I have been for over a month, can trigger a mood like this. Especially once I have a bit of down time like I have had this weekend. Today at church was youth Sunday, which meant both of my sons would be participating in the service in one way or another. One was leading the prayer and the other was playing his electric bass with the band and reading scripture. It "should" have been a happy and proud moment for me, but when I'm feeling bad it doesn't really matter what's happening on the outside. I am proud of my sons and they did a great job, but my actual experience at church was mostly one of self-judgment and social anxiety.
One of my sons was also having a difficult time before church and I didn't
handle it very well at all. I was reactive instead of trying to be
understanding. I felt the wrath of his anger for that one, which sent
me a bit deeper. During church I was thinking a lot about what a bad father I was, though my thoughts attacked me in other ways as well. I know I'm not a bad father, but those thoughts are very real and powerful. There were moments throughout the service, which I can objectively say was beautifully done, where I escaped the fog and enjoyed it. The music was great and the teen who gave the sermon was inspiring. But the negative thoughts kept coming back and after the service they kicked back in completely. I've learned that, at these moments, it is best for me to just get away. Of course, this isn't always an option. So I stuck it out and then headed home once I was able..
Now that I'm home and some time has passed I can already look at the experience with a little bit of perspective. It is very hard to be out in public and interact when I'm not thinking straight. Battling negative thoughts and feelings while I'm surrounded by people connecting with each other is hard. So is having conversations with people while my head is filled with negativity and heaviness. One thing I've improved on in these moments is being less judgmental of myself. I had the awareness today, even in the moment, that the thoughts aren't reality and they will pass. I was able to get myself home and start getting myself back together. I took a nap, went to yoga, and tonight I'm feeling a little bit better.
I still don't fully understand my depression and anxiety. It has a mind of its own, comes and goes when it pleases, and I can't always predict when and where it will emerge. Today was definitely a ride it out day. I went through the motions, I did the tiring work of challenging my negative thoughts, and I made it through the day. I don't like it, but it's part of living with depression. Oddly enough, I'd call it a successful day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Why we Have to Speak Up
Around the fall of 2011 I decided I didn't want to keep my mental illness a secret anymore. I wanted to be open, I wanted the people in my life to know, and I was tired of living in the darkness. But I was afraid. I worried what others would think about me. I was still living in my own self-stigma. I lived on the fence for a couple of years and had opened up to people in my life, yet in many ways I was still keeping my mental illness hiding in the corner where I felt it belonged.
It's not in the corner anymore. I'm completely out in the open now about the fact that I live with depression and anxiety. It culminated two weeks ago when I spoke candidly in church about my experiences and the need to break the stigma. I know my talking and posting about it makes some people uncomfortable, but I really just don't care anymore. Not having to keep my two lives separate any longer has been a blessing for me, and I feel more than ever that I can be who I really am. And for a while that was enough. It's already not anymore.
I have a new feeling emerging as I go through this process. Anger. I'm angry about the stigma, about how we don't talk about mental illness, and how this leads to a world where shame and secrecy still surround issues of mental illness and suicide. A world where every year a million people worldwide take their own lives instead of seeking and receiving treatment, in large part because of this stigma. We should all be outraged! And yet we're not. Mental illness is treatable after all, and treatment saves lives. It's not enough anymore to just be comfortable in my own skin, I need to keep pushing to bring mental illness fully into the light and break the stigma.
I think about the fact that in the U.S., where I live, suicide is the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24. I also think about the effect not talking about mental illness and suicide as a society has on our suicide rate, especially for our young people. By not talking about it we are giving our youth the message that it is a shameful thing not to be spoken of. I know there are other factors, but no wonder so many don't choose to seek treatment. No wonder so many choose to take their own lives. This is an illness, like cancer, that does not discriminate. It could happen to any of us. And for those of us who are parents, it could happen to our kids. We need to let them know that if they do begin to have symptoms that it is okay to talk about it and seek help.
Not too long ago I was approached by a youth who was struggling with depression. She knew she was depressed and wanted me to tell her how she can get help. What a wonderful thing that this youth would take the risk to talk to me and take steps to get help. However, their parents have pushed the issue aside when she has tried to bring it up. They have also made comments like, "nobody in this family is depressed" since she has been struggling. That's shame, that's stigma! And sadly, it intensifies this person's feeling that there is something wrong with them. It's an awful message to give a youth, and it's not true. What is this person supposed to do now? They are dependent upon their parents to get help. How can they get help if their parents won't even acknowledge a problem exists? This is why we have to speak up. This is why I will continue to push awareness of mental illness. This is why I will not stop talking about it! I implore you to do the same. There are many lives at stake, and we can no longer stay silent.
It's not in the corner anymore. I'm completely out in the open now about the fact that I live with depression and anxiety. It culminated two weeks ago when I spoke candidly in church about my experiences and the need to break the stigma. I know my talking and posting about it makes some people uncomfortable, but I really just don't care anymore. Not having to keep my two lives separate any longer has been a blessing for me, and I feel more than ever that I can be who I really am. And for a while that was enough. It's already not anymore.
I have a new feeling emerging as I go through this process. Anger. I'm angry about the stigma, about how we don't talk about mental illness, and how this leads to a world where shame and secrecy still surround issues of mental illness and suicide. A world where every year a million people worldwide take their own lives instead of seeking and receiving treatment, in large part because of this stigma. We should all be outraged! And yet we're not. Mental illness is treatable after all, and treatment saves lives. It's not enough anymore to just be comfortable in my own skin, I need to keep pushing to bring mental illness fully into the light and break the stigma.
I think about the fact that in the U.S., where I live, suicide is the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-24. I also think about the effect not talking about mental illness and suicide as a society has on our suicide rate, especially for our young people. By not talking about it we are giving our youth the message that it is a shameful thing not to be spoken of. I know there are other factors, but no wonder so many don't choose to seek treatment. No wonder so many choose to take their own lives. This is an illness, like cancer, that does not discriminate. It could happen to any of us. And for those of us who are parents, it could happen to our kids. We need to let them know that if they do begin to have symptoms that it is okay to talk about it and seek help.
Not too long ago I was approached by a youth who was struggling with depression. She knew she was depressed and wanted me to tell her how she can get help. What a wonderful thing that this youth would take the risk to talk to me and take steps to get help. However, their parents have pushed the issue aside when she has tried to bring it up. They have also made comments like, "nobody in this family is depressed" since she has been struggling. That's shame, that's stigma! And sadly, it intensifies this person's feeling that there is something wrong with them. It's an awful message to give a youth, and it's not true. What is this person supposed to do now? They are dependent upon their parents to get help. How can they get help if their parents won't even acknowledge a problem exists? This is why we have to speak up. This is why I will continue to push awareness of mental illness. This is why I will not stop talking about it! I implore you to do the same. There are many lives at stake, and we can no longer stay silent.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
There's no shame in having a mental illness
Sunday was not the end of my journey, but it was certainly a momentous step on my road to recovery and self-acceptance. I spoke at church about my life with depression, I was the guest speaker in place of the sermon. I was honest and open about what it's like to live with depression, the stigma, and how much work needs to be done to raise awareness. I have long envisioned my journey as a path from self-hatred to self-love and acceptance. I'm not there and will continue this journey throughout my life, but I can see how far I've come.
In my teens and early twenties I was filled with shame. It encompassed every aspect of my life and completely clouded the way I viewed myself. It affected all of my relationships. At my core I felt there was something wrong with me. I knew I wanted to be authentic and be myself, but I saw myself as shameful and unlovable so I felt the need to pretend to be something I wasn't. I hid my real feelings from the rest of the world. Despite going through a lot of therapy and really getting myself to a better place, I basically lived this way until about 3 years ago. That's when I began the process of "coming out" following my worst and scariest episode of depression. Sharing my story in public was in many ways the culmination of that process. By speaking at church I did something I've been wanting to do at some level for the last 25 years.
I told the truth. I got up in front of about 150-200 people at church and for 15 minutes I told them the truth about my experience of living with depression and anxiety. It seems like such a simple concept. But when it comes to depression and anxiety, telling the truth publicly is not easy or common. How freeing it was to be able to just get up in front of people and speak honestly about my experience with having a mental illness. As I spoke I could see that many people in the pews were crying a bit. My wife and kids were there, my parents, some of my closest friends, and a number of people who I have known for about 20 years who didn't know this about me. I shared a lot of details, but my basic message is that I have a mental illness, I lived in the darkness with it for nearly 25 years due to shame, and now I live in the open with it and have become a mental health advocate. All the different work I have done over the years led me to a point where I was comfortable enough to speak about it publicly. When I was finished people clapped, and we are not a church where clapping really happens. They clapped for a long time. I was so humbled by this, I never thought this day would come and then to have such a positive response was wonderful!
It was clear that sharing my story had an effect on people. I had a lot of people come up to me after the service to talk to me or just offer a supportive hug. Some "came out" to me, others asked how they go about getting help, many shared about their family members who have suffered or still do suffer. I realized yet again that we are all affected by mental illness, either directly or indirectly. People may not accept it or talk about it, but it's there. It seems to be everywhere.
I have only begun to process what all of this means to me. I do know I really liked it and would welcome other opportunities to share my story publicly. I think my biggest takeaway so far is the power of simply talking about mental illness honestly. People have been telling me since I started blogging and being open about depression that I am brave and courageous. I don't know about that, but the fact that they think I am courageous brings light to the level of taboo and stigma that still surrounds this topic. So many, and often with good reason, suffer in shame and isolation. People are still told by parents, partners, and friends to "just get over it" or "stop feeling sorry for yourself". I know this because some have confided this in me over the last several months. This makes me so sad. We need to talk about it, and people need to understand that it is an illness. It actually is a matter of life and death Mental illness is not a sign of weakness, it's not a character flaw, and it's not your fault if you are suffering! I have hope that change is happening. There are many of us coming out in the open and letting the world know there is no shame in having a mental illness. I finally know I am not alone, and that's a feeling I want everyone who suffers from a mental illness to be able to experience!
In my teens and early twenties I was filled with shame. It encompassed every aspect of my life and completely clouded the way I viewed myself. It affected all of my relationships. At my core I felt there was something wrong with me. I knew I wanted to be authentic and be myself, but I saw myself as shameful and unlovable so I felt the need to pretend to be something I wasn't. I hid my real feelings from the rest of the world. Despite going through a lot of therapy and really getting myself to a better place, I basically lived this way until about 3 years ago. That's when I began the process of "coming out" following my worst and scariest episode of depression. Sharing my story in public was in many ways the culmination of that process. By speaking at church I did something I've been wanting to do at some level for the last 25 years.
I told the truth. I got up in front of about 150-200 people at church and for 15 minutes I told them the truth about my experience of living with depression and anxiety. It seems like such a simple concept. But when it comes to depression and anxiety, telling the truth publicly is not easy or common. How freeing it was to be able to just get up in front of people and speak honestly about my experience with having a mental illness. As I spoke I could see that many people in the pews were crying a bit. My wife and kids were there, my parents, some of my closest friends, and a number of people who I have known for about 20 years who didn't know this about me. I shared a lot of details, but my basic message is that I have a mental illness, I lived in the darkness with it for nearly 25 years due to shame, and now I live in the open with it and have become a mental health advocate. All the different work I have done over the years led me to a point where I was comfortable enough to speak about it publicly. When I was finished people clapped, and we are not a church where clapping really happens. They clapped for a long time. I was so humbled by this, I never thought this day would come and then to have such a positive response was wonderful!
It was clear that sharing my story had an effect on people. I had a lot of people come up to me after the service to talk to me or just offer a supportive hug. Some "came out" to me, others asked how they go about getting help, many shared about their family members who have suffered or still do suffer. I realized yet again that we are all affected by mental illness, either directly or indirectly. People may not accept it or talk about it, but it's there. It seems to be everywhere.
I have only begun to process what all of this means to me. I do know I really liked it and would welcome other opportunities to share my story publicly. I think my biggest takeaway so far is the power of simply talking about mental illness honestly. People have been telling me since I started blogging and being open about depression that I am brave and courageous. I don't know about that, but the fact that they think I am courageous brings light to the level of taboo and stigma that still surrounds this topic. So many, and often with good reason, suffer in shame and isolation. People are still told by parents, partners, and friends to "just get over it" or "stop feeling sorry for yourself". I know this because some have confided this in me over the last several months. This makes me so sad. We need to talk about it, and people need to understand that it is an illness. It actually is a matter of life and death Mental illness is not a sign of weakness, it's not a character flaw, and it's not your fault if you are suffering! I have hope that change is happening. There are many of us coming out in the open and letting the world know there is no shame in having a mental illness. I finally know I am not alone, and that's a feeling I want everyone who suffers from a mental illness to be able to experience!
Saturday, September 13, 2014
FInding my Way
Today is one of those days. I've been going non-stop for the last two weeks because my sons started school two weeks ago and I had a training last weekend that cut into that time I need to get emotional reset for another busy week. So I entered this week already feeling a bit worn down. Despite all this, it's actually been a great couple of weeks for me. School is going well, our new dog is settling (slowly) into our house, and my mood has been pretty steady and generally up. But when I run myself a little too ragged there is often an emotional dip once I finally get the time to breathe. Today is that day.
Thankfully I have not had a major episode of depression in over three years, but I do still have days or even several days where I struggle. I do feel some symptoms of depression today. I'm easily frustrated, I've been overreacting to things with my family, and I just feel kind of down and have low energy. The negative thoughts are spinning around my head. In the past, it was easy to let a day like this snowball into several days of it or even a longer episode of depression. I'm learning that one way to keep it from spiraling further is to just let it be and acknowledge it without judgment. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm also not piling guilt and shame upon myself for having a bad day and feeling bad about myself. I know it will pass. Even as I'm in it, I can see beyond it.
As a teen and young adult trying to survive with depression I learned a lot of habits and thinking patterns that are not very useful now. Because I felt, with good reason at the time, that I needed to hide my depression and keep my negative thoughts and feelings from others I learned to deny my actual reality. It was very damaging for me to have to pretend to feel different than I actually felt. It led to further shame, lower self esteem, and would often move me towards episodes of depression. Slowly I'm learning to accept my negative thoughts and feelings and not push them away or deny it altogether. It is such a simple concept, but owning and accepting whatever I'm experiencing is incredibly difficult and takes effort. It is effort well spent.
This journey through depression and anxiety has been incredibly painful and challenging, but it has also made me grow in ways I likely would not have if I had never experienced it. It has allowed me to more fully realize who I am and become comfortable in my own skin. I has given me a level of compassion that has made me a better teacher, friend, father, and husband. I have made connections in real life and through social media that would not have happened without depression and anxiety being a part of my life. Being in the light with my struggles and having communities of fellow survivors is a blessing. It feels like home in a way that nothing has felt like home before. And thanks to that I can even feel a little hopeful and connected on a down day like today.
.
Thankfully I have not had a major episode of depression in over three years, but I do still have days or even several days where I struggle. I do feel some symptoms of depression today. I'm easily frustrated, I've been overreacting to things with my family, and I just feel kind of down and have low energy. The negative thoughts are spinning around my head. In the past, it was easy to let a day like this snowball into several days of it or even a longer episode of depression. I'm learning that one way to keep it from spiraling further is to just let it be and acknowledge it without judgment. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm also not piling guilt and shame upon myself for having a bad day and feeling bad about myself. I know it will pass. Even as I'm in it, I can see beyond it.
As a teen and young adult trying to survive with depression I learned a lot of habits and thinking patterns that are not very useful now. Because I felt, with good reason at the time, that I needed to hide my depression and keep my negative thoughts and feelings from others I learned to deny my actual reality. It was very damaging for me to have to pretend to feel different than I actually felt. It led to further shame, lower self esteem, and would often move me towards episodes of depression. Slowly I'm learning to accept my negative thoughts and feelings and not push them away or deny it altogether. It is such a simple concept, but owning and accepting whatever I'm experiencing is incredibly difficult and takes effort. It is effort well spent.
This journey through depression and anxiety has been incredibly painful and challenging, but it has also made me grow in ways I likely would not have if I had never experienced it. It has allowed me to more fully realize who I am and become comfortable in my own skin. I has given me a level of compassion that has made me a better teacher, friend, father, and husband. I have made connections in real life and through social media that would not have happened without depression and anxiety being a part of my life. Being in the light with my struggles and having communities of fellow survivors is a blessing. It feels like home in a way that nothing has felt like home before. And thanks to that I can even feel a little hopeful and connected on a down day like today.
.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Battling shame
Now that I'm back in the full swing of school there is less time for writing on here, but I'm still trying to write something about once a week just to keep the momentum going. This past week has been better overall with the negative thinking, and I'm getting back in the swing of things with school. One of the biggest struggles I have going on right now would be the fact that I'm trying to change some habits around eating and exercise.
In therapy the other day I realized, once again, how difficult it is for me to let myself be human and imperfect. I have no problem allowing that to others, but not so much for myself. I had so much trouble just talking about wanting to eat better and exercise more. I was ashamed of the fact that I have put on some weight over the last several years and don't always make the best choices when it comes to what I eat and drink. Shame is a feeling that comes up often for me, and it came up again this week in therapy when talking about this topic. Shame is not something I like to admit to, but I know it's a common experience for people who live with depression and other mental illnesses. The truth is that it is deeply ingrained in me that there is something wrong with me. It is just something I have to grapple with on a fairly regular basis. This despite the massive amounts of evidence in my life to the contrary. That's the depression in action.
I know that with shame the best thing to do is put it out there. Keeping things inside only makes me feel more isolated and alone. Exposing shame to light takes away some of it's power, admitting to how I really feel often empowers me. My shame often comes from the fact that I feel different, alone, or like I'm the only one that struggles with whatever it is that I'm struggling with. My therapist asked me if I thought I was the only one who struggles with eating healthy and exercising. It was kind of comical because of course I know I'm not the only one. And yet, at a feeling level I do feel that way sometimes. There's a part of me that thinks I'm the only one who experiences any difficulty in life. Again, the depression in action.
So I am trying to make some healthier choices and also not be so hard on myself when I don't do it perfectly. One of the positive things I'm doing, that I actually started doing several months ago, is yoga. Beginning to practice yoga has been really great for me. In addition to it helping me get back into shape a bit more and gain some strength and flexibility, the spiritual aspect of yoga is really amazing. The practice of yoga is like the opposite of shame. The teachers will often say things about recognizing thoughts and feelings without judgment. Some have even literally said to the class you are perfect just as you are. It seems to be kind of the message and energy of people who teach yoga. The clear message I always get when I'm in yoga is that I am perfectly fine just the way I am. What an amazing and beautiful concept!
So I will move imperfectly forward in my attempt to practice more healthy habits. I will try and remind myself that I'm not alone, and that everyone struggles with something. Nobody is immune to suffering and difficulty in life. And most importantly, I will continue to write and talk about all of this both here and in other places. The truth continues to be that I am perfectly imperfect, whether I'm feeling and believing it or not.
In therapy the other day I realized, once again, how difficult it is for me to let myself be human and imperfect. I have no problem allowing that to others, but not so much for myself. I had so much trouble just talking about wanting to eat better and exercise more. I was ashamed of the fact that I have put on some weight over the last several years and don't always make the best choices when it comes to what I eat and drink. Shame is a feeling that comes up often for me, and it came up again this week in therapy when talking about this topic. Shame is not something I like to admit to, but I know it's a common experience for people who live with depression and other mental illnesses. The truth is that it is deeply ingrained in me that there is something wrong with me. It is just something I have to grapple with on a fairly regular basis. This despite the massive amounts of evidence in my life to the contrary. That's the depression in action.
I know that with shame the best thing to do is put it out there. Keeping things inside only makes me feel more isolated and alone. Exposing shame to light takes away some of it's power, admitting to how I really feel often empowers me. My shame often comes from the fact that I feel different, alone, or like I'm the only one that struggles with whatever it is that I'm struggling with. My therapist asked me if I thought I was the only one who struggles with eating healthy and exercising. It was kind of comical because of course I know I'm not the only one. And yet, at a feeling level I do feel that way sometimes. There's a part of me that thinks I'm the only one who experiences any difficulty in life. Again, the depression in action.
So I am trying to make some healthier choices and also not be so hard on myself when I don't do it perfectly. One of the positive things I'm doing, that I actually started doing several months ago, is yoga. Beginning to practice yoga has been really great for me. In addition to it helping me get back into shape a bit more and gain some strength and flexibility, the spiritual aspect of yoga is really amazing. The practice of yoga is like the opposite of shame. The teachers will often say things about recognizing thoughts and feelings without judgment. Some have even literally said to the class you are perfect just as you are. It seems to be kind of the message and energy of people who teach yoga. The clear message I always get when I'm in yoga is that I am perfectly fine just the way I am. What an amazing and beautiful concept!
So I will move imperfectly forward in my attempt to practice more healthy habits. I will try and remind myself that I'm not alone, and that everyone struggles with something. Nobody is immune to suffering and difficulty in life. And most importantly, I will continue to write and talk about all of this both here and in other places. The truth continues to be that I am perfectly imperfect, whether I'm feeling and believing it or not.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Stress and Negative Thinking
I often forget how tiring and stressful the beginning of the school year can be. And this year there are a few added challenges that is making it even more difficult. I've changed from 2nd to 4th grade, so I am learning a whole new curriculum. I had to move classrooms and am still trying to get some things in place. We have a new math program that is really challenging for the students (and teachers). And maybe the most frustrating aspect of life right now is the fact that our house is still in disarray due to the remodel not quite being done. Having the house be a mess and so many things being where they do not belong is really getting old!
The first week of school has been a real roller coaster emotionally. When stress hits me I tend to fall into some negative habits and thinking. Especially the thinking... I'm extremely hard on myself and have difficulty allowing myself to just be human. Being in a new grade level it's natural that I have a lot to learn. But time after time this last week when things don't go well with a lesson or I need to ask for help from the other teachers I have really gotten down on myself. I don't give myself the same compassion I would offer any of my colleagues in the same circumstances. From there it has a tendency to just snowball. At least, I fear it's going to snowball and I'll fall back into a deep pit of depression.
So I brought this overwhelmed and stressed out attitude to therapy yesterday. I went on for about 15 minutes about my negative thinking, the things that weren't going well, and all of the stress in my life. Once I slowed down she asked me if it was possible that I'm just stressed and overwhelmed because I have a lot of change and challenges in my life right now. She's right. It's frustrating how when things are tough I just go straight to self-judgment instead of just acknowledging that things might just be difficult and challenging right now. It's such a persistent habit that I often don't realize it's happening. I'm working on being more aware of my thoughts, and challenging them with reality.
Another thing I noticed I am doing is focusing on the negative aspects of my day more than the positive ones. Yesterday, for example, I felt really down and stressed as I went to school. I was lacking confidence and my energy wasn't very good. Then once I started teaching things went really well. The technology in my class that had been broken since school started was fixed, which makes teaching so much easier! And I was just kind of in a groove all day with my teaching. The kids were engaged, I was having fun. It was a great school day! After school on the way to therapy that heavy and down feeling I had in the morning returned. I carried that into the session. But what I notice now is that I was completely focused on the fact that I was having this heavy, overwhelmed feeling instead of the fact that I had felt really good all day at work.
I think over the last several months I've been working on changing my perspective about how I react to my moods. Somehow I have this expectation that I should always feel good. That's not realistic. Nobody feels good all the time, especially those of us who battle depression. So I'm trying to change my expectation. I'm trying to be okay with the fact that sometimes I won't feel well. Sometimes I'll be stressed, sad, tired, frustrated, angry and a variety of other not so great feelings. It's okay to not feel okay sometimes! The real trouble I think is not that I have these feelings, it's that when I do I get so down on myself. I think they won't pass, or they mean there's something wrong with me. But the truth is that life can be hard at times and I will not always feel good. The bad feelings pass and I can often remind myself that the negative thoughts are just the depression lying to me. It does that a lot, for everyone who suffers from depression.
The truth is that the beginning of the school year is challenging and takes a lot of energy! I'm going to be tired sometimes. Stressed. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. But I can't let myself forget that I also love what I do. And I'm good at it. I connect really well with my students and the other teachers. I laugh and smile a LOT during the day. I also have amazing co-workers. We work well together and really do our best to do what's best for kids. Not all schools have that. All of this is true!. The negative that often creeps into my head does not take away the positive. I have a feeling I'll be reminding myself of this fact a lot over the next several weeks...
The first week of school has been a real roller coaster emotionally. When stress hits me I tend to fall into some negative habits and thinking. Especially the thinking... I'm extremely hard on myself and have difficulty allowing myself to just be human. Being in a new grade level it's natural that I have a lot to learn. But time after time this last week when things don't go well with a lesson or I need to ask for help from the other teachers I have really gotten down on myself. I don't give myself the same compassion I would offer any of my colleagues in the same circumstances. From there it has a tendency to just snowball. At least, I fear it's going to snowball and I'll fall back into a deep pit of depression.
So I brought this overwhelmed and stressed out attitude to therapy yesterday. I went on for about 15 minutes about my negative thinking, the things that weren't going well, and all of the stress in my life. Once I slowed down she asked me if it was possible that I'm just stressed and overwhelmed because I have a lot of change and challenges in my life right now. She's right. It's frustrating how when things are tough I just go straight to self-judgment instead of just acknowledging that things might just be difficult and challenging right now. It's such a persistent habit that I often don't realize it's happening. I'm working on being more aware of my thoughts, and challenging them with reality.
Another thing I noticed I am doing is focusing on the negative aspects of my day more than the positive ones. Yesterday, for example, I felt really down and stressed as I went to school. I was lacking confidence and my energy wasn't very good. Then once I started teaching things went really well. The technology in my class that had been broken since school started was fixed, which makes teaching so much easier! And I was just kind of in a groove all day with my teaching. The kids were engaged, I was having fun. It was a great school day! After school on the way to therapy that heavy and down feeling I had in the morning returned. I carried that into the session. But what I notice now is that I was completely focused on the fact that I was having this heavy, overwhelmed feeling instead of the fact that I had felt really good all day at work.
I think over the last several months I've been working on changing my perspective about how I react to my moods. Somehow I have this expectation that I should always feel good. That's not realistic. Nobody feels good all the time, especially those of us who battle depression. So I'm trying to change my expectation. I'm trying to be okay with the fact that sometimes I won't feel well. Sometimes I'll be stressed, sad, tired, frustrated, angry and a variety of other not so great feelings. It's okay to not feel okay sometimes! The real trouble I think is not that I have these feelings, it's that when I do I get so down on myself. I think they won't pass, or they mean there's something wrong with me. But the truth is that life can be hard at times and I will not always feel good. The bad feelings pass and I can often remind myself that the negative thoughts are just the depression lying to me. It does that a lot, for everyone who suffers from depression.
The truth is that the beginning of the school year is challenging and takes a lot of energy! I'm going to be tired sometimes. Stressed. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. But I can't let myself forget that I also love what I do. And I'm good at it. I connect really well with my students and the other teachers. I laugh and smile a LOT during the day. I also have amazing co-workers. We work well together and really do our best to do what's best for kids. Not all schools have that. All of this is true!. The negative that often creeps into my head does not take away the positive. I have a feeling I'll be reminding myself of this fact a lot over the next several weeks...
Thursday, August 14, 2014
New Beginnings
After four years of teaching 2nd grade I've moved up to fourth grade. Today was the first day of school. I'm tired. Really tired! My wife actually just looked over at me and told me I look exhausted. She's right. But I'm excited also!
Last year was the most difficult year of teaching I've ever had. There were many challenges that eventually just overtook me. It was a very emotionally exhausting year. The truth is, I took things a bit personally and took the struggles of some of my students on as my own. I know from talking to teachers over the years that everyone has a year like that every once in a while, last year was mine...
A year like that definitely made me question a few things, including my abilities as a teacher. It made me doubt myself for sure. So I entered this year with that hanging over me a bit. But at the same time, I'm determined to not have a repeat of last year. I do think I've learned a few things from the struggle.
Over the last several days as I've prepared my classroom I've been doing a lot of thinking about things. I have a summer of perspective on my year and it's allowed me to make some shifts in my thinking. There were many of my students who did make great progress last year both academically and socially. I was also able to remind myself that there are many things I cannot control and that I did my best to help all of my students. But most of all I regained perspective on what's most important to me as a teacher.
Teaching for me has always been about the relationships I build with the students and creating an environment where kids feel safe and empowered. Everything flows from that. Teaching and learning happen so naturally when you build a strong community in the classroom. I know these days there is so much emphasis on high stakes testing and data. It's easy to slip into thinking that's what matters most because of all the pressure put on teachers and schools to get good test scores with no excuses. But teaching kids how to score well on a test is such a small part of what I believe will ultimately make them happy and productive people both now and down the road. Kids need to learn problem solving, social skills, empathy and teamwork. They need to feel valued as people and gain confidence that they can be successful. And that's just scratching the surface really...
I was able to bring that perspective into the classroom today and had a great time. We did some art, went over rules and procedures, and got to know each other a bit through some other activities. It was a really wonderful day. I'm hopeful about this year. I have the opportunity to make a positive impact on my 26 students' lives, and for that I am very grateful!
Last year was the most difficult year of teaching I've ever had. There were many challenges that eventually just overtook me. It was a very emotionally exhausting year. The truth is, I took things a bit personally and took the struggles of some of my students on as my own. I know from talking to teachers over the years that everyone has a year like that every once in a while, last year was mine...
A year like that definitely made me question a few things, including my abilities as a teacher. It made me doubt myself for sure. So I entered this year with that hanging over me a bit. But at the same time, I'm determined to not have a repeat of last year. I do think I've learned a few things from the struggle.
Over the last several days as I've prepared my classroom I've been doing a lot of thinking about things. I have a summer of perspective on my year and it's allowed me to make some shifts in my thinking. There were many of my students who did make great progress last year both academically and socially. I was also able to remind myself that there are many things I cannot control and that I did my best to help all of my students. But most of all I regained perspective on what's most important to me as a teacher.
Teaching for me has always been about the relationships I build with the students and creating an environment where kids feel safe and empowered. Everything flows from that. Teaching and learning happen so naturally when you build a strong community in the classroom. I know these days there is so much emphasis on high stakes testing and data. It's easy to slip into thinking that's what matters most because of all the pressure put on teachers and schools to get good test scores with no excuses. But teaching kids how to score well on a test is such a small part of what I believe will ultimately make them happy and productive people both now and down the road. Kids need to learn problem solving, social skills, empathy and teamwork. They need to feel valued as people and gain confidence that they can be successful. And that's just scratching the surface really...
I was able to bring that perspective into the classroom today and had a great time. We did some art, went over rules and procedures, and got to know each other a bit through some other activities. It was a really wonderful day. I'm hopeful about this year. I have the opportunity to make a positive impact on my 26 students' lives, and for that I am very grateful!
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